Posted 2/10/2010 10:39 PM (GMT -7)
I'm desperate at the moment, I've got no other choice but to ventilate here. I'm sorry if for the next paragraphs i might not make sense sometimes.
As a start i have never seen a doctor in terms of depression problems but i can only assume its very severe. Even though i wont be depressed for no reason when i do have one it ways very heavily in my heart and i breakdown like if i can die. My first brakedown i clearly remember was when i turned 12. Definitely have huge issues with my family, hence my inability to trust anyone let alone after even the smallest mistake. Ok now back to my post.
I met my boyfriend online back in like late 2004 was in my Sophomore year in High School, i lived on California and he lived in Portugal. By around 2007 i met him in person (when i came back to the states it was a very painful process, and was depressed all the 15+ hour trip home). I know i was in love with him at the time even though something in my heart hinted to just being something, uhm i think the term is, illustrious? Any way before new year 2008 i permanently came to live with him but the beginning was not so great as i had heavy mood swings, guilt about problems back home, etc. I do blame the birth control i was on.
Slowly through the year i saw the flaw in my bf and naturally i grew without fully trusting him because he was dependable on his parents, shy out in public even in a groceries store, would not speak up for himself let alone the both of us, etc etc etc. He was basically a child, spending all day playing video-games on his computer without a care in the world of how i'm wasting my life as long as i'm there with him. He is like 2 years older then me.
His mistakes were continues through out the year that i felt more like the REAL parent in his life (trust me his parents dont have a clue how to be parents as they never gave a darn bout his life's future). I gradually grew hate towards his parents even to this date but never-mind them, my Boyfriend seem to just answer to his mothers every wimp which brought me to my limit. I've had enough my heart told me its best to head back home and start my own life instead of wasting here. My parents were very supportive of the idea me coming back to go to school, which was very comforting after my past years with them was the exact opposite.
At this point i've already told my Boyfriend i dont love him, but maybe being seperated can help us better. 2009 came around and i was going back home in Feb. Having to relive another trip back to the states, leaving him behind just broke my heart. The whole year round i cried about the first time i left and even more so when the date was coming near to leave again. In all honesty, i feared that memory and hoped i would never have to relive it, but i had to again and this second time around made me even more numb then what i already was.
Back home in California i was depressed and missing him, we talked 24/7 online just like we use to. I tride to be positive at home with my parents but they kept pushing me. Telling me i should stop talking to him so i can actually miss him, what is there not to miss??? I'm half way across the world?! I told her that but neither of them seemed to understand. As weeks whent by they slowly hinted at saying I'm My BF's B****. Then my dad treats me like he owns me telling me i should tell him everything about my private life because he needs to know what my plans are blah blah blah I even told him on the phone before coming back to the states that I'm not coming back for you to treat me like you did.
Oh but here is the best part, after being an abusive father in more ways then one (thankfully it did not go as far as a sort of sexual abuse....I hope) He claim he has done no wrong and has nothing to apologize for and i should be the one apologizing because he is perfect. So i said "i did not come here to be your little slave like before, i'm not a kid anymore, seeing as you guys are not willing to open up and understand me putting the effort to change as i have towards you I'm leaving." He didnt care at the moment, he was angry, but the year that i was gone he gets a bit like some anxiety attack cuse he wants to see me.
Well all damage said and done, that made me realize i DO love my boyfriend and this has widen my eyes about our relationship. I felt ready to go back home with him,even though i felt i was wasting my time... better knowing i love him and my life here is just as much of a waste without his support.
Now this is were it gets really messy. So all the while my parents prove me right countless time again that I should not trust them, I slowly told my sister my choice of heading back home. She was infuriated since she new how much i was sufering back there.... But even though she knows the problems i had with our parents she was then never the same with me again. In fact she acted like a total brat, same for her GF (my sis is *** and 3 years older then me). I never felt their support again.
Now comes my ex-best friends and only friends i truely have to keep in touch with. My oldest best friend of like 7+ years was getting married, new I'd be back in time for her wedding and never invited me. I waited patiently to see if she would call me....nope! She was never there to meat my bf at all, even on the first time me and my bf came to the states for vacation she completely flaked on me all the time. Oh but she made time with her other friends who gave her a 5 min notice at like 9pm while i give her a weeks notice and she doesn't even call me to let me know she wont make it (it was not the 1st time shes flaked on me lots of time in our years as friends). But this time i decide to call her out on it and she cried foul! we supposedly settled it after i left, at least i thought we did but apparently not.
My other best friend made a whole bunch of drama because in her mind i've decided to Ditch her to go live a life with my bf. She said she thought she was enough for me, and i asked her if i was enough for her? Running around with x many bfs here and there and sleeping with them in a days worth.... I'm not trying to degrade here just showing how much she contradicts herself and is a hypocrite all at once!! No where did she even think that my choice was solely for myself and i will not bade my life's choices to suit her convenience, in fact its the other way.
More damage said and done and all i had to hope in having someone by my side is my bf. He came around May 2009 and we spent three more months in Cali before we left. In those three months we fought alot... almost heavy until one final thing that happen during a camping trip just set my heart off completely. and i mean COMPLETELY!
As stupid as it may sound but its huge to me as my bf has grown up with his parents believing in the most stupid Wive's tales..... but in my eyes its my word over his mother and in the beginning of our relationship he always took his moms word over mine. Unfortunate for anyone i hold grudges but most of all Mistakes and i wont let go of them or forgive them.... in my mind if you were truly sorry you would not make the same mistake again. Anyway i've told him how tanning is bad for you especially for someone with sensitive skin as his (has a severe case of acne), pale white, and with no sunscreen. When we went to take a bath after he came back from fishing, he took of his shirt and bam! Sunburn. i asked him why did he take his shirt off in the sun?! He said it was hot and besides so the sun can help with his acne.Bold:what his mom told him.
My heart just sank.... everything just fell on me like if the world was placed on my shoulders.... The drama with everyone his parents, my parents, my friends, my sister, my life, his future that hes promised me he would work to get a job and education for the past years i've lived with him, and all the mistakes he has made, the mistakes i have made in my life, regret in the choices i've made, everything felt like it was all in vain.
And ever since that day i did not feel love for him anymore. I did not feel love at all, all i ever wanted was his company. All i ever am with him is attached to him, but i dont love him I've had hate him but i still care about him sometimes...... The date of leaving with him was near.... i felt like i had no choice but i was better of with him then living here where not even my room feels like my room anymore.
Here I am 2010 and about to repeat the same process. My bf has changed alot in himself to make both our lives work..... but sadly as i too admit myself I am a heavily bitter person now with a new found Hate i have for others as well as in myself. We fight and every-time we do i feel like dying, wanting to just sleep.....sleep. I feel like i cant trust him, even when i catch him doing something he should be doing when he wasn't, then he says that he was, and I'm like I saw what you did? how can i believe words over the actions that i SAW?
UHG......... its hell for me right now as i have no friends to turn to for support.........