Having a Hard Time...

I had a what my doctor called a severe depressive episode a couple months ago. I felt like I was in really bad shape. My general doctor put me on medical leave and sent me to a psychiatrist and a therapist. They have both helped me so much. I didn’t think I was going to make it at the time. That was back at the end of August. I’m back at work now and the stress is here. I coping better than before, but find it a struggle. Through all of this I realized that I couldn’t take my husbands anger, yelling and control anymore. Him and my 14 yr old son get into it and its not good for anyone. My husband has told me the last ten years that I have a problem with it because my first husband was so violent. I believed him for so long – part of me still does.

 

My therapist urged my to start setting down boundaries with my husband. Letting him know I wouldn’t put up with the yelling anymore to start with. I finally did that and it forced him to go to the doctor and get on Effexor XR (the same thing I’m on). It has helped with his yelling tremendously and my son seems much happier. The problem is I’m not. My husband tells me almost every day now how much he loves me and that he would marry me all over again today. He asks me if I feel the same way. I feel like I can’t answer him honestly – I change the subject. I have told him a few months ago that I had lost feelings for him and I don’t know if they will come back and when he asked if we were going to stay married I told him I don’t know. I don’t feel strong enough to deal with it yet, but I feel like I am living a lie. When I initially went to the therapist I told her I was having a problem with self injury. I told my husband around the same time. I had never told anyone before. I am working on stopping. It just feels like there are so many things to work on at the same time..I don’t know, its hard…

 

Thanks for listening…TB

Maybe you secretly liked the yelling because you were comfortable with pain, like your first love. Did you allow yourself time to heal after your first traumatic relationship? Or did you jump right into sombody elses bed and medicate yourself into a numb state of false comfort? Only you know that for sure. Well, now that you coaxed your husband into a drug dependancy to satisfy your wishes and he seems to be more tolorable to deal with, you are finding your pain is still there burried under years of denial and medication. I don't mean to kick you when you're down but sometimes medication is like a contaminated band aid, the wound won't heal underneath if you keep covering it up. I think a strong healthy step towards healing will come when you get therapy on your own to deal with the trauma you've suffered with your X, and family counseling to replace drugs with knowledge(mental, physical and spiritual exersize). Stop trying to get results from a little magic pill and put the amount of work and care it takes to REALLY heal you and your family. I pray you experience healing together. Peace

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Post Edited (joeboot) : 12/8/2004 11:15:00 AM (GMT-7)

maybe your right. I'll think about that. I am working with a therapist. I never did get any counceling the first time..no money..single parent (other excuses). I really thought I was trying to make changes. Maybe I am just fooling myself

Thank you for not taking my frank observations as an attack. You ARE making changes, this is very good and you are a beautiful human being with amazing gifts and abilities to share freely at will, and I have a feeling you aren't fooling yourself any more. Allow yourself to heal. Pray/meditate everyday, especially before sleep and when you awake, these are the most important times when the subconscious mind is most receptive. Really imagine, with great detailed clarity, your emotional and spiritual goals fulfilled, and they will be. God bless you and yours.

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Thanks JB