I spoke to a friend about
the issue at hand, how the words coming from my partner can be hurtful and too direct. As i am a very sensitive person, she says that she is on the defense mode. Trying to not let herself be hurt since she has been taking all the hurt from her past relationships. Taking me for granted. No its not a no strings attached relationship. We supposedly want to spend the rest of our lives together, but at the rate things are going, do you see it happening? I almost cried myself to sleep again last night. I am so sad that things are going really bad with us, i am afraid of telling her how i feel and i am afraid that she will start saying hurtful things to me again. It just hurts way too much coming from a person you love so much.
We didn't speak at all last night after we got home. The ride in the car on the way home seemed fine at first. But when we got home, we were silent till we slept, she slept first. We got home, she got into the kitchen to cook, i was lookin at some music stuff on youtube as reccomended by a friend. Laffed for a bit, and she brought me the food. I ate, she finished, we didnt talk, she then took the phone to play games. I asked her to go get her bath, and she did not reply. We usually have our baths together, but she went to have the bath alone silently, which was a sign to me that shes giving me the silent treatment becasue i was giving her the silent treatment sorta thing. Two ego's collide. After her bath, i took mine also in silence. and when i got out, i saw her reading the old testament of the bible. This is the second night she's reading the bible. i tried to push away the thoughts in my mind but i couldn't stop thinking about
the pain i have inside. The burning questions that keeps repeating itself: i want out! This is not working, i was so tempted to wake her up to say i cant do this anymore. It may seem like there is something wrong with me to you, i may be over-reacting to you, but this is not how i picture a relationship to be, regardless of what you say about
accepting a person for who they are etc..(this is no fun typing things out because i cant seem to explain well about
the situation. I feel like i've been typing jibberish and not getting to the point or the crucial points) I just want the relationship to be like how a loving relationship is like, we are in the closet in this relationship because you dont want your family to know about
us, they will never understand. None of your friends would either. We dont even show affections in public for fear that we might bee seen by a friend of yours or anyone that might know us or our families. The magic can only happen at home. But houdini seems to be missing even at home and i feel like im more if the convenient partner to you. I give so much and what do i get in return? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! this is just all too frustrating for me.
I am at the point in life where I've been in this situation of wanting to love this one individual that i have had this strong infatuation and interest and huge desire to make this person happy and to love her even though i don't really know her for so long, i fell in love with her since the first time i laid eyes on her. That was when i was 14. I am going to turn 30 in 4 months. Yes my world seems to evolve around loving a person. I need affections, i need someone to show me that they love me. I am a selfless person, i give and give and give, i am too kind to people and it's just wearing me off, the good in me is slowly dying, i ask myself, i think of others first before me, but what do i get in return? ZILTCH! nothing! People use me. They know they can thats why they do it. And when my kindness is not needed anymore, **** it, im not friend material for them. They just disappear from my life. The many people i've been kind to. The many times i've been taken for granted.
Thing is, I finally am able to call her mine after all that years of keeping this picture of her in my heart, the many best kept memories of how she makes my heart sing even by just the thought of her. Simple things like how she twirls her hair when she's thinking. How she frowns with that lil crinkle between her eyes. How she twists the tissue paper into a pointy thing to poke and prod her nose when she feels she needs to sneeze....the way she walks, and the sound of her voice. The way she calls my name even, how it used to calm me. Now all i can think about
is, how it's gonna end. How we are drifting apart and how just like this morning, when she was putting on her make up for work, how i imagined that soon, she will be doing this in a new environment. How i will never be able to see this again. The occasional lipstick marks around the IKEA mug after her morning coffee. How i will end up looking at that mug that used to be her coffee cup. How i will once again, wonder, where she is in the world, and how she is, who shes with and if she's happy. It's like im back in the looking glass, seeing her through a window. That she will once again be on the other side of the glass....
I think, that she's been damaged. She fears too much, Her insecurities has caused her to be this mean and cold person, who can say pretty abusive words when she is angry. When i type these things to you as the public, do i at any point show signs that i think too much like a child? that i am childish? or unreasonable. I sometimes send her texts saying i love you. heck! if i had it my way, i'd say it everyday. But she doesn't like that. She says it back but occasionally doesn't reply. When i ask, she says i should already know, says things like"do i really need to tell you everyday?" like is it really necessary. And that hurts.
The expression on her face when she talks to me is enough to hurt. The look in her eyes like shes disgusted by my words, like a fool. Well i guess i am just a stupid fool in love.
I might be unreasonable. There's always two sides to a coin i know that, she is not totally responsible for the issues between us. I'm at fault for not having the initiative to TALK. I fear the pain from conversations that may not go where i want it to. I don't want her to constantly blame me for whats going on in this relationship. What i ask for is VERY simple (to me) more affections as it was once before and not too long ago, where there are actually cuddles and hugs here and there. If the words I love you are too heavy on you, just reply whenever i say it. I need assurance. It's not a necessity, i just need to hear it every once in a while. Not that difficult is it?
Intimacy. That's the tough one. I have to make the move. But you turn away from me and face the wall almost every darn night, and when i hug you, you say its too hot and push me away. So since i DO have an ego i sleep in the opposite direction as well. But that's when she turns around and says why you facing away from me!!??
Sometimes claims herself to be my wife. What wife, where? didn't know i had one! I feel like this relationship is like one that has been there for years where intimacy dies after you have a couple of kids and we slowly adapt to being like buddies living together. I have lots of love to give, but im sleeping with a lamp post. (that bites! figuratively speaking)
I fear that whatever i say to her, or try to reach out to her, that i may hurt her, that's why i hold back, because i love her too much to tell her whats really hurting me. I spoke to her two nights ago again to tell her that i was not happy. she asks why, i say theres no intimacy and like as if the relationship is turning sour, like a relationship that has been going on for years and that we are evolving into this boring couple that comes home and watches movies and goes to sleep. There is no intimacy in the relationship. She tells me that that is all EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES. Her answer is that i have to make the first move. When i do, sometimes i end up being pushed away saying she wants to just talk, or is not in the mood. When i told her that, she denied and that i should know her better than anyone and i should know whens the right time sorta thing. This doesn't sound too bad, i only been pushed twice, and the attempts were also twice.
I don't want to attempt anymore. For fear of being rejected again. I have this constant fear of asking for anything as well, afraid that i'll get no for an answer. So i just don't ask.
And She asked me that night when i told her if i was unhappy, if i really wanted to see a counselor. And again she said that there is something wrong with me. that im stupid to think that i need to waste money i don't have to see someone for things i can fix myself. She says that i don't know how to be in a relationship.So i agreed with her...she said that she is sick of having the same conversation over and over again, that she will just move out and asked me to give her time by end of march to move out to her brothers place. That i am losing my mind or that im sick in the head or some sort. That if i think i don't know how to be in the relationship, she is at the end of the day the stupid and foolish one for being with me. I wasted her time and that she is the one that is at a great loss for being with a stupid idiot like me.
*takes a bow to everyone here*
I'm just so messed up right now.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/26/2010 5:12:06 AM (GMT-7)