I feel so bad listening to your anquish and pain. I've been there personally, and over the years as a counselor have heard this kind of pain from young men and women your age a lot - a whole lot.
I think you need someone to talk to. Is that totally impossible or possible? When I was a kid, I lived in the rural south, and "nice" people didn't talk to counselors, so I just held it in. HARD HARD.
But if there is someone you trust, try.
I think the most impt thing to remember is sthat you are not alone or unique in the things you're going through. That's why adolesence is hellish. Everyone thinks it's only them. And they feel powerless and often bad, evil for thoughts that grownups get u sed to having.
It's really hard trying to respond just on line like this, but I urge you not to think of dying but think of recognizing several people here are telling you what I am, you are not uniquely quilty, bad, or not able to get to a place where you enjoy life again. The problems you have sound difficult.
Almost seeing the rape, your grandmother, your girlfriend, not easy. But, this is life, and you have to hang on to what about yourself is good and strong. if you feel there is nothing, please, for my sake, try and find somebody to talk to. Way too many adolescents harm themselves because they see no hope, and I swear to you there is hope. A survivor. Janice 33 Ha. What a weird name. But no name I chose was acceptable so I added the numbers. Take Care. I'
m going to come back to site, assuming I can find it, a real klutz re online, and hope we see some more posts from you, it's good to share your feelings, it would just be so good for you if it were someone in person.