Life is getting hard

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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/25/2010 9:14 PM (GMT -6)   
My name Carlette and im 15 years old. From the past summer, i have noticed that i have depression symptoms, but i dont know how to solve my situation. Last year on March 17, 2009, Marquis asked me out and i said yes. We carried our relationship into the summer, not knowing what will happen next. We were deeply in love with each other, no one could separate us. I have never felt this way about a guy before! Anyways, by the end of the month of June, i noticed that he was becoming more reclusive, so i confronted him about it. He said he didnt realize it. He started summer training for wrestling and football and had less time to talk to me. I wouldnt be able to talk to him till late at night and even then he was too tired to talk on the phone. I just grew very impatient. To me, it seemed like he was allowing us to drift apart and he didnt care. In his free time, all i he wanted to do is chill with his cousin (all the time) and play video games. He completely changed and i wasnt ready for that change. So, in July, I broke up with him and it left him devastated. He kept playing mind tricks on me saying he's so sad and to what extent he is sad. And i tried talking to him for the rest of the summer trying to get us back together, and all he did was hang up on me or ignore my calls. It made me feel so bad. I never thought he would treat me this way. I would cry my heart out every night and this marked when i started to stay in my room more. I didnt want to see anyone. During that time, i tried filling my void by purchasing items online that i couldnt afford and i ended up with a balance of -$538.50. I didnt care, i just wanted to feel better. Also, i gained alot of weight and it made me more mad. My parents never knew what was going on, which led to my fustration. During the beginning of this school year, he started talking to me and we started hanging out again. But i couldnt accept the fact that he treated me that way and i continued to cry. I tried letting him know that i wanted him back for real this time, but he didnt take what i had to say seriously and it hurt me. Instead, he kept on flirting with other girls and now he's with this girl that he doesnt treat right at all in school. He doesnt sit next to her, he doesnt talk to her, he doesnt hold her hand, nor do they kiss at school, but he walks her to some of her classes and he has sex with her every week. I have this obssession for this guy and its consuming my life and my thinking process and no one knows that this is going on with me. This is the first time im telling anyone this. Till this day, i feel like this. He acts real dirty to me and i just take it like nothing and its hurting me. I know i need to drop him from my life, but its so hard b/c i love him so much. When he's mad, he ignores me, he lies to me, he never smiles. But when he's happy, he sits next to me, talks to me, plays footseys and play with my hair! He confuses me and i just let him b/c in a way he's hanging with me in some form and it gives me a temporary happiness, but i dont deserve to be treated that way.
Then, on October 16, 2009, i started going out with this guy named damell. We fell in love with each other and he was very interested in marrying me and having kids with me one day. He totally made me feel like a queen. On the other hand, he use to belittle me when i did wrong (like a parent to a child) and it made me feel inferior in a way and i just let him do it. Then, i decided to give him my virginity. Bad mistake. A month ago we broke up. The day we broke up was the day we had sex (not the 1st time though). I felt used and played. He said i was seducing him and that i wasnt helping him with his connection with God. I was trying my best. the only reason why i gave it to him is b/c i didnt want him to get mad at me for not giving him sex. I just wanted to make him happy and to love me unconditionally (something i didnt get in the past), but i didnt get that. Not from him or marquis.
Me and my family arent really close. I dont feel like i can tell them anything in fear of getting a beating or getting kicked out of the house. They always belittle me and make fun of me and all i do sometimes is cry. Sometimes i wish that i was dead, so i wouldnt have to deal with all of this. I see my family everyday, I see damell on saturdays b/c i know his cousin and he has my number, and i see marquis everyday and his friends are my friends. So, its hard to get myself out of this situation. I just feel like giving up sometimes. But what prevents me from doing so is the mere fact that suicide is a sin in the bible. I just need HELP! I live life, insecure, scared and mad all the time and i dont to anymore. HELP!!!
This is a very lengthy post and really doesn't deal with depression.  It deals with your relationships.  Please try not to write too long of posts due to forum rules. 
Here are some resources that might help you:
I hope that this helps some.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/25/2010 8:12:13 PM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 2/25/2010 10:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cdohen12,

Welcome to the depression forum, though I don't feel you have a depression problem, I think you have a self esteme problem. And relationship problems.

For you to have sex with a guy just so he doesn't get mad at you says a lot. It says that yes, you are very insecure. Or maybe you want to make the other guy jealous. That isn't so clear to me. But you are obviously jealous of the other guys new relationship.

I really think that you need some type of counseling to get your mind straight. Learn some self worth and get some confidence. You need to focus on school and get an education instead of worrying about guys. Since you are only 15, you have a lot of learning to do. So do yourself a favor, go to school, study, get an education and get some counseling.

There is a lot more to life than what you are going through. And it is up to you to find that out. Maybe school seems boring to you or something like that, but please don't let it pass you by. You are a smart person and could go far.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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