I am a 24 year old woman. I live with my parents. I completed my engineering studies in 2007. I had been working as a teacher for one and a half years and have now stopped. I wish to do my Masters degree this year. I am also to be married this year.
My problem is unhappiness. I don't really know whether i have depression. But I am always unhappy or rather I'm scared to be happy. Whenever I happen to laugh out happily for a moment or enjoy myself for a moment, the next moment I am suddenly reminded of something worse that would happen in the future. I am scared of an impending doom. So because of this I can't seem to be happy at all. I am always guilty conscious. I feel I have committed terrible sins in the past. I don't really know what they are. I have quarreled with my parents, friends etc. I have made wrong moves and ended up embarrassed of myself.
On February 13th 2010, my mom and I had a small argument. I am a very hot tempered person. When angry, I have no idea what words I speak out. When I was younger, I never used bad words but now a days, I can't seem to calm myself down without swearing under my breath. I don't know what wrong I had said but she hasn't spoken a word with me since that day. Even though I tried to make up, she doesn't seem to want to make up. She seems determined to continue this way all our lives. This added to my misery. Living in the same house without uttering a word to each other is horrible. I now feel so bad that I even thought of ways to. Apart from this I now feel great hatred towards my mom that I wish to hurt hurt her badly. I don't mean any physical harm. I feel like hurting myself so that she would be mentally hurt. But I don't think it would bother her a bit.
Since I don't have a job now, I feel like I'm a burden to my parents. My dad pays for my violin lessons. I am ashamed to ask them for any money for my personal use. So I don't. We are not financially well-off. I feel locked up inside a prison coz I don't ask my parents to take me out sometimes, cos I don't want to waste their money for the petrol. The only people I see are my mother, father and my violin teacher. Nobody else. I feel so worthless and ungrateful.
My fiance and I are miles apart. I told him my problem through IMs. He understands my problem but that just doesn't seem enough. I'm afraid my problem is going from bad to worse. Dread fills my mind and I feel I am going to be punished in the near future. I hope somebody will help me out. I can't possibly go out and meet a doctor.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/27/2010 8:23:13 AM (GMT-7)