Posted 12/9/2004 10:38 PM (GMT -6)
First off, I must admitt that I was skeptical about sharing my past with people, and very nervous to go to a "depression" website. Then I started to read the stories of other people like me, and not only the advice that was given, but also the openess and kindness of everyone. I suppose I feel compelled to share my story, so people can get to know me as I have begun to know them. I'm sorry if it is a bit lengthy.
My name is Danielle and I am now 17 yrs old. Not only am I facing the stress of my senior year and all of its components, I am also troubled by my past. My earliest memory as a child is my mom beating the crap out of my dad. My dad would never touch a woman, so when my mother would get drunk and go after him, there was little he could really do. She would stab him, bite through his flesh, wreck his car, etc. When my baby brother was born when I was 6 and we moved to a new house, I thought things were finally getting better, but it only got worse. My dad finally left one day, not because he wanted to leave us, but because he really had no choice unless he wanted to endure nothing else but pain. Thus it all began. I began staying home alone after school at age 7 and my brother went to a day care center until my mom got home from the bars. At age 9 I was raising my brother completely after I got out of school. I could reach my mom at work until 5, and afterwards I knew to call the bar until she came home around 9 or 10. Whether she brought a guy home just depended on the week. There was never any food in the house, normally just a box of cereal and some soup or ice cream. I saw my dad every other weekend and cried when I had to leave him. When I started to get older I realized that school was really all I had to look forward to. I pushed myself to get good grades, no matter what it took. My mom would always tell me that I was chubbier than her. Even though I knew it wasn't true it started to eat away at me. In 7th grade I became anorexic, but blamed the weight loss on the fact that I was on the swim team. No one knew there was anything wrong - I was in sports and my gpa was a 4.1. In 8th grade I met some new friends that taught me to be myself. Before my anorexia got out of control, I realized how stupid I was. Honestly, I feel lucky for that because many people do not get the chance to come out of that. I was so happy with all of my new friends, even if I was a big dork. Also, a 10th grader was interested in me, so I felt on top of the world. That 10th grader pressured me into having sex with him to the point where I knew if I didn't say yes then it would have happened anyways. I figured it didn't matter, no one would know and everyone else I knew was losing their virginities too. After that, he never talked to me again. Then this one girl, whom I will never forget, literally made the whole 8th grade hate me. They would call me a *****, say I look like a man, spread rumors about me, threaten to beat me up..etc. At that time I started to slit my wrists. My depression only got worse. At home I would frequently argue with my mother because I wasn't allowed to do anything if it interfered with her plans to go to the bar. Finally I had met a boy that I was crazy about. He was my first boyfriend, and he made me forget about everyone and everything. Though home life was a little sketchy still, I didn't care. I didn't care until my mom was drunk and started hitting me. I told my bf the next day and he told me that if it ever happened again to go to his house and he would take me to the police station. That day I had a doctors app. and my mom threatened me once again. So I went to the police station to file a report against her. As soon as she found out I did that she called my dad and told him to pick me up that she was sick of me. So the next day he came and got me. I even enrolled in school and everything where my dad lived. Come to find out, my mom claimed that she never said that. Two weeks after living there 2 police men knocked on that door to take me back to my mothers house. When I got there she handed me a paper, signed but the courts, saying that I HAD to call her "mother", I had to leave my bedroom door open at all times, and that if I were to step one foot outside of the house without her permission I would be condidered a runaway and taken to juvi. There is much more that happened after this, all leading to me and my brother finally ending upwith my dad when I was 15. Because I had moved my bf broke up with me, causing me to again go into depression. In 11th grade I met another boy, who I cared about deeply. We dated for 9 months and I loved him more than anything. Out of nowhere he broke up with me. All I wanted to do was die. At that moment I realized how greedy I really am, and how I NEED attention to be happy, but I cannot help that. I've tried to just live my life, but it is hard. I have had a job since I was 15. I am now working 5 days a week, attending my high school senior classes, and dual enrolled into college classes. At this point I'm trying to just getthrough my senior year. With a major breakup, being used, and being under the stress of college apps my senior year has not gotten off to a good start. Things just pile up. Tonight, for instance, I found out that this kid was using me to get back at someone else.. My parents were screaming at each other to the point where my younger brothers were in tears, and I haven't wanted to eat anything for the past couple days. Wow, I know that seems like a lot, but honestly its not even half. I should be happy with what I have and sometimes I am. But sometimes days are like today, and I cannot avoid that. I read other peoples stories and I just don't think that I should be depressed, but I am. I'm sorry if I sound like I want a pitty party, because I don't.
Post Edited (beyondloser) : 12/13/2004 9:35:37 PM (GMT-7)