This is a first for me, and even writing anonymously is giving me anxiety. I don't want to bother anyone with my issues, because I'm sure other peoples issues are more important than mine. On the other hand, I need to at least write this out, assuming that in the end no one will care.
I guess that's how I feel, that there is no one in the world who would care if I am here or not.
I truly cannot find a reason to continue my life. I am 44 years old, I really have no friends. I am terrified of making friends for fear that they won't like me. Forget about trying a relationship, my marriage and control freak ex-husband have pretty much made me afraid of any relationship. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but that's what I'm afraid will happen. I don't know how to change that. I have tried counseling, but it wasn't successful because I couldn't truly open up with my feelings. Again, because I was sure no one really wanted to hear my problems or care enough to want to help. I tried church, with the same result.
The thought of being alone is too much to bear, but trying to open up and get the help I need causes me so much anxiety I can't bring myself back to that. There really is no alternative.
Now, at least someone out there knows how I feel, so maybe I won't feel completely alone in the end.