I'm not going for reinventing the wheel, nor delving into the mystical realm of enlightenment, but I do have some thoughts.
Yesterday I was wondering what it was that clicked about 6-7 years ago, after I had been sober for 3-4 years. The click refers to how the terrible mind war I was having with myself ebbed and in some way was gone for many years. That is, until recently.
Today, at one of the few places I feel safe the reading and discussion was about spiritual matters.
OK, now to digress. I jump like this a lot, so please don't mind, and I hope you care to follow along?
The kind of mind warfare that goes on during the time I'm deeply depressed adds certain thinking difficulties, that block what I know is good for me. One of these blocks is having a desire to and accomplishing any personal spiritual activity. I don't pray, and have rarely made any attempt to do it for decades. I don't meditate, though I have taken a transcendental meditation class and have a mantra. I don't read the spiritual daily meditations, except on Saturday, and so on. What I find is that there has been a long time block between me and allowing that my recovery has a spiritual remedy.
If this turns you off, please be advised that my recovery in AA depends upon my accepting the above, and I do. However, I am a hard case. It took me many years to allow the notion to become a part of my reality and again as many to find that I was doing anything at all in that regard. I just stated I don't do many things, so what's left? What's left is believing and the Serenity Prayer. Those two became real to me. Again however, I have slipped into this depression and my mind is worse than ever with any of this.
Today, I considered that one of the solutions was to look into what I could do spiritually. There is still a block of guilt, but I'm sure I can work that through. Guilt for me is like why I wouldn't go to the spiritual, when I know it's my remedy, and that the solution waits. Ahhh, but the kicker is feeling worthy, having the sense of what can be at the moment, any moment and letting go so the spiritual is allowed in. That is a big order right now. My energy is toward trying not to be upset around how my wife treats me, be there for my son, and get sleep. After these I would like to use my energy to find a job. Yet, after so many set-backs in recent months and weeks, I've found myself wholly withdrawn. The spiritual then comes in as a focus to mend that last part.
But, and I don't like the "but" yet I use it anyway. So, having an idea that spiritual anything will get me out of my cocoon is a sort of ah-hah moment. Then getting over the guilt that I haven't been letting go, I haven't looked to the spiritual, I haven't done anything but withdraw slaps me upside the head. Yuh, know what I mean?
I think you do.
Anyway, If more turning it over, and lifting my palms up to think - "let me fell your presence" (whomever that may be) can help me, it's as if; why haven't I tried it yet? Guilt, but tempered with knowing.
Do yuh see that too?