Posted 3/18/2010 1:26 AM (GMT -7)
Okay, I am 16, and I've felt helpless, useless, sad, wanting to cry, wanting to kill myself, wishing I was dead constantly, and I'm home alone most days everyday. I have felt like this for five months.
Situation- Yet again, like my entire life, we live in a broken home. My parents are divorced, and my dad hates me so I don't see him. For around thirteen years I went over to his house and he was abusive mentally and physically.(Uh, I don't think it's spelt right but he's kicked and hit and stuff before) at fourteen I stood up to him, and it went out of control from there. Fighting, talking back, yelling, etc. I only went over three days a week but it was way to much stress so I stopped going back in October of 09. My mom said she was gonna get me help and everything was gonna get better, WRONG! Everything has gotten WORSE we're in debt over our heads, bills are coming up to 1000 bucks a month, we can't get a lawyer to settle the debt. Our house has fallen apart. Two bedroom house, I sleep in the front room, no AC, over ran by bugs in the summer to where it's basically sleeping outside, half of the house doesn't have water, no sewer line, power keeps shooting our electric bill through the roof, oh, and, the ceiling looks like swiss cheese from holes. My sisters room isn't livable for a dog, and my mom is in denial about anything being wrong. I have never had a birthday, she says she's planning this big thing and never goes through with it. Even for stuff we need she won't go through with it. We've lost our home before, lived homeless, lived at others houses, been through having child services called on us twice. Both times my mom made us lie to the social workers. And my mom calls me selfish, inconsiderate, crying over nothing, when I break down and gives me a huge rant most times. Now I try my hardest to hide it because I don't want cussed out/ranted at. There is NO ONE around to talk to, my mom pulled me out of school, we live out in the middle of no where in a trailor home and I'm left home alone until like, seven at night if lucky. Everytime I try to ask someone for help or I start to slip up my mom bites my head off and sends me away until I ''straighten up and stop being such a brat'' I can't talk to anyone, and now I don't want to, I don't want anyone talking to me. I tell others that I'm not worth anything or I can't do it I'm to stupid, etc. I can't sleep, I have nightmares of my dads over and over again, they keep me up for two days or until I can't fight it anymore and pass out.
I feel like the family secret. What can I do?