One year ago, I was detained at an AMH unit (Acute Mental Health), for 2+ wks, married to a woman who both loves and hurts me, father of 2 children, and still in love with another woman that once loved me, but now is married to another.
Since then, I've participated in: daily in hospital sessions with a psych and nurses; 6 wk DBT course, out hospital treatment, with nurses, MSWs & another psych; monthly MSW mtgs at a health centre for 9 months; and bi-weekly sessions with a GP who specialises in psychotherepy.
I've been on escitalopram, then citalopram (SSRIs), for 15 months, and added buprorion (Wellbutrin, a DRI) 5 months ago.
And here I am, back to where I was one year ago. In bed at 4 am. Unable to sleep for hours. Nothing makes sense. I'm so confused. I've returned to obsessing about her, missing her, can't believe that she loves another, doesn't love me... and hasn't for years. I look at what was so important to me: my kids; my wife; my house and all the trees; my job. It is all so unreal. This isn't happening.
It is not my life.
I don't want to be me.
They say that I've made great changes in my thinking. That I've come so far. Wow, to be so damaged, so different than all the seemingly normal people out there, the sea of well adjusted people that surrounds me, and after such apparent progress, still I am here, feeling as crazy as ever. I must have started out in the 'deep end', and yet the under tow of depression pulls me under again.
What triggers my emotions? Take your pick: reminders of her; my wife's anxious misery; my feelings of inadequacy at work; the sun coming out more, reminding me that another lonely summer is approaching; another yearly celebration (XMas, Valentine's Day, Easter...) which signifies another year of sadness...
I've learned some excellent techniques to stay mindful, in the moment, to let the emotions pass over me like I'm Teflon, et cetera. It's similar to learning swimming techniques, yet I'm in rough water, and I'm so tired, and I see no land to rest on. So I'm just trying to stay afloat.
Duty to my children kept me so focused and positive in the past. Now it just keeps me occassionally focused.
So what now? As the wallpaper on my phone says:
1. Get up.
3. Go back to bed.
Thanks for reading my post. No need to post comments or replies. I won't be checking for them. I just wanted to organise my thoughts and feelings.
Maybe I'll try and sleep now. Maybe I'll take time off work. Maybe I'll become very ill... Ah, to be so lucky.