hii i'm 16 years old and i went to therapy for about
a year...i was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression, but i never admitted to my counsler what i had really been through. when i was 13 in middle school i was harassed by my entire school as the '****,' people threw trash at me, every time i walked into a room people would leave or say 'smelled like *****,' and there were several myspace pages and groups about
my '****' behaviors. there was one guy who stood by me (So i thought, but later on i discovered he had been spreading half the rumors) i wasn't in love with him, not at all, but i felt like i needed to make him happy or else i'd be alone, i'd have to eat lunch alone or when we picked new seats no one would sit by me...i was scared of entering high school all alone and being nothing but the ****, so i continued to date him. i snuck out behind my moms back, who had know idea how tortured i had been at school, and i met him on gold courses and gave peices of my body away to him every day...then, being 13, i snuck out all alone with him at night and he started to have sex with me, i desparetly wanted to have him stop but when i tried he wouldnt give...so i just laid there until i t was over...after i begged him to walk me home and cried but he said i had nothing to be scared of and pushed me off him...calling me a stupid ***** scared of the duck noises at night...so i went home and my life has never been the same since. i began to myself and hate who i was...my family didn't understand i still could nevr tell them to this day, and i was so ashamed to tell any friend, even my own therapist...i couldnt tell her about
the rape, i just couldn't. after therapy i started dating this guy, who i've been dating for over a year now, and i'm absolutely in love with him. i was completetly happy until i found out he had done some dishonorable things behind my back...and ive been paranoid and panicky ever since. i feel my anxiety consume me, sometimes i have to fight the urge to myself and i find myself reliving the rape scene often...my boyfriend doesn't like to have sex alot, he's a good guy who doesn't want to worry about
getting pregnant, but i find myself craving the sexual attention. ever since i lost my virginity ive subconciously felt like i needed the physical attention...constantly...in between being 13 and having sex and having my current boyfriend, i have had sex with 4 other people, and had physical contact with at least 15 more...i've had a hard time not needing the attention, even though i know its wrong...my boyfriend doesnt like to talk about
my past and doesn't understand how bad my anxiety has gotten...sometimes after we hang out and he doesnt want to have sex, i get rages and have panic attacks where i can't breath and im so angry...then i get the sex and i feel calm and happy...it's horrible feeling like i need sex to feel better and loved...i've talked to some people who say i have a problem with male attention (my father is gone 6 days a week and i have virtually no relationship with him...) but i don't know whats wrong with me...i am so lost and hurt i just need help, anybody, any advice i really want to move on with my life and feel good again...
i almost feel sad writing this, knowing people have so many more serious problems than i do..i just...i needed to get it out and i needed to try and get help any way i could
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/23/2010 7:27:48 PM (GMT-6)