Goodness me! The Queen of christmas to the outside world? That's a huge effort - I can't manage to do that.
Do you look after other peoples' needs but forget about your own? You can let it out, if you want to.
So you've had depression for almost five years? Did something trigger it that you know of?
You seem like a very giving person, someone who loves to decorate the house from top to bottom. I bet it made christmas very special for anyone who stepped into your house. I'm sorry to hear you are going through a private hell.
My advise might be small, but I'd say...'treat yourself. Let someone pamper YOU. I'd reccomend getting a foot &/or shoulder massage...just to remember what it feels like to be relaxed & taken care of. Even if the feeling does last for a couple of hours. I think u deserve it!
Just when I discovered all the answers, they changed all the questions. (a sign in a café in the town of Ger)