Hello everyone. I have never utilized a resource as this...all I've done until now is talk to friends and it doesn't seem to be helping. My story is long and probably a lot more in depth than I can type out here so I'll do my best.
I was with my ex-boyfriend for 8 years. We got together very young and he went through the usual phases of wanting to party, etc. I stayed by his side as he grew to mature and become stable so we could get married. As 8 years approached, the talk of marriage become more frequent and more serious. After one conversation, we got into an argument over something minor and he insulted me and hung up the phone on me. After crying, as usual, it occurred to me that this had been happening all too often. He had a terrible temper and was constantly demeaning and insulting me. He'd break up with me and then a few days later call to get back together. This time, I put my foot down. He broke up with me, as usual...and this time when he asked me to get back together I said no. I told him that he needed to learn how to respect me. I never asked for anything from him but love and respect. He sent me flowers for a week straight...and I told him that flowers were not what I wanted. We didnt talk for 3 months....and 3 months later he came to my job, head hanging low. He said he knew what he'd done wrong...he was sorry for how he treated me and that he wanted another chance...he'd do whatever it took. I told him I'd give him a chance to prove it to me....I was happy deep down inside that he was starting to realize. Within 4 days of us beginning to talk again, he told me that I seemed like I didnt know what I wanted so he was going to move on. (this meant he was going to get an arranged marriage --- normal in our culture back years ago). I was upset and devastated. I found out later that it had been in the works...his family was in the process of doing so. Instead of just being honest with me he made it seem like my fault. He got engaged.
Even after he got engaged, a couple months later he called me. He cried and told me made a huge mistake. My self esteem and confidence being shot to hell, I believed him. But he still went and got married. After the marriage, he called me once again. He apologized and cried. He told me he didnt love her, he wasnt attracted to her, and he couldnt stop thinking about me. This has happened a couple of times since he's gotten married this conversation has taken place...with me reminding him how he hurt me and broke my heart but he's still married to her. He kept telling me he was going to end it but it wasn't easy because too many people were involved. Not too long ago he called and told me he finally ended it...he said he missed me and he was hoping we could give it another chance. Something in my gut made me say no. I dont think he ended it...but I have no way to prove that. I told him never to call me again. I dont think he will call me...but this last conversation shattered me. Like I relived the experience all over again.
But almost a year later, here I am...I've made attempts to meet people and move on but I haven't been successful. I feel lonely and I hate that I still love and miss him. I feel like I'm being a masochist or maybe I'm just looking for some sort of reinforcement that I'm NOT a piece of crap. I dont know...all I know is it affects me alot. I'm depressed most of the day and I dont know how to make it stop. I am hoping that maybe someone who is not biased has some advice or words of knowledge to share with me. Thank you for taking the time to read this...