I have suffered from depression for 13 years, and and my wife's abortion is killing me inside

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/3/2010 7:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been dealing with depression for 13 years now, going through several medications before learning that I was allergic to SSRI's and relative medications, staying on Wellbutrin for several years and finally settling on Lamictal. Recently, my wife got pregnant, and being as she is severely epileptic and afraid her medication would cause neural defects in the child, opted to abort. I supported the choice as it was causing her severe problems and leading her to have several seizures each day. After the procedure, she felt relieved and she feels great physically, save for occasional cramps. However, I feel like I'm dying inside. I cannot function, and my wife is afraid that we will never move past this and that our relationship will fail and it will be all my fault. I don't know how to stop feeling bad, I don't know how to "be normal" like she wants me to. I wish I could. I'm scared of losing her, I'm scared of losing myself permanently. I want to be able to have things as they were and just pretend this didn't happen, but our child had a heartbeat...and that scares me.

Please help me.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 4/3/2010 8:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I am truly sorry for your loss. It certainly seems normal & healthy to want to grieve after an abortion. Many people do, even if the choice was made to protect the life & well-being of the mother. Do you have a counselor you can talk to about how you're feeling? I think that would be a good place to start.

It probably is also a good idea to revisit the medication issue. If it isn't helping enough, maybe you need to add a second med or change meds or something. Or you could have another medical condition that could be contributing to the depression (anemia, B12 deficiency, thyroid issues, hormone imbalance, etc.), so a visit to your primary care doctor might also be helpful.

Once you get any physical issues under control, you will have more energy to face the depression that's connected to the abortion. Do you attend religious services -- if so, perhaps talking to a religious leader could help? Some organizations will include loss from abortion in their regular grief counseling groups whereas others have special groups set aside for people coping with the aftermath of abortion. In any case, there are many other people out there who feel similar to you. Those groups are a safe place where you don't have to pretend anything, you can be real & say what you are feeling.

I wish I could offer you more, but your situation is so complicated. There are so many issues (history of depression, medications, relationship(s), grief, etc.) that you really do need a professional, maybe multiple professionals, to help you find your way through this. Just know that there is always a way through difficult situations. Things can improve when we make the effort to change. Everyone goes through the different stages of grief at their own pace & sometimes in their own order. And as long as you are alive there is an opportunity to seek peace (in whatever form your own values/belief system defines that to be).

healing wishes,

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 4/3/2010 9:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi T,

And welcome to HealingWell. I am glad that you have found us. Frances gave you some very good advice. I totally agree with the counseling.

Know that you are not alone in this. You have us now to help guide you through. But it is so important to have a professional counselor to talk to. Know that you are doing nothing wrong. What you are going through is normal. Grief has no rules, there is no right or wrong way of grieving. So anything is okay.

Know that your decision was the right thing for your wife's sake. And that there is no blame here. You made a choice together that you had to make and that is all that there is to it. So no guilt.

I hope that you keep posting. I want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. But things will come around and get better for you and your wife.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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