Um, My name is Chris, i only signed up because i wanted to add to talk to you. I had a similar situation with my first girlfriend. She may have cheated and i never got the whole truth, sometimes there really isn't an easy to understand "truth" anyway. In fact, having heard her admit something, after tearing it out of her in an argument, i realized it still didn't feel any better, nor did it sound like it was more truth than what i heard before. I was in an endless, bottomless pit of confusion and rage. So, the relationship was ruined. How could we even talk with that black cloud hanging over us? I think after we stopped talking her life hit a few bumps and mine didn't get much better either. Those emotions actually made me physically ill (or helped) and i was bed-ridden for a week. So it didnt seem good, but today, it is good that it ended sooner than later. Today i'm healthy and have a little of everything i wanted before., and some new problems, but atleast they're different problems!
Here's why this happens: RAGE. We both want reality to be different, not to have our time wasted. We grew up with certain ideals and when things slap us in the face it really seems like that's it! This means war! Well the bottom line is that these people aren't who we thought they were, and neither will we be the same person either. Bear with me...
I believe you dont' need counseling actually. I got in trouble with another girlfriend down the road, still years ago, and was supposed to get anger management. The system couldn't fit me into the class and i eventually realized my own problem on my own. My friends know me to be a very gentle person so... what set me off? Apparently i didnt know how to deal with conflict before the incident and then finally blew my top when pushed into a corner. I felt threatened at the time, like an animal. Ofcourse this girlfriend really knew how to push my buttons and drew me into the fight. Only afterward did i realize i had options on how to avoid the conflict. At the time though she was in my space, my face, and wasn't going anywhere. She was stubborn as a mule and i was too proud to be the first to leave. But that's what i should have done. I should have run like a yellow belly coward for the hills. I could have lost the battle and won the war. I could have left the scene and come back when she was gone and ended everything the next day. Well, since i no longer see her, it's just peace now, there was no war. Don't worry, no one got hurt actually. It just wasn't fun. Now i have a different girlfriend who is mature and sweet, we have a normal relationship with the occasional explosion, just nothing too crazy, y'know? And eventually her and i might break up. Rome will rise and fall, the sun sets and rises again. Life goes on. How come your life isn't going on?
THE BIG CRUX :
I think you don't need help controlling your anger. I think you need help recognizing your anger. You're anger needs help with you actually. You're anger is telling you something and you're not listening. I think you should have made your desires clearer earlier. I think you're angry at this person and the wasted 3 years. 3 or four years of stress. 3 or 4 years of feeling like an idiot for acting like you don't know what's he's up to. 3 or 4 years of being that idiot! 3 or 4 years of barely being alive because of this double life, this denial, this stubborness by the both of you. I think you're anger is right to be there.... IF you couldn't escape. Obviously you're body is telling you to get out of the dangerous situation. Well, sorry to me. It's not obvious when you're trying hard to live up to a previous set goal, is it? You didn't want to give up or feel defeated. Well, you're not defeated. You need to change your mind and grow up a little more (i hope that doesn't sound too harsh, take it lightly). Ideals are not going to cut it here. You have to get with reality, this guy is not for you and you need other options. You might be a pain for him now too since you probably scare him, lol... which is funny to me and good for you. You can survive and find some one else if you want to. Life is grimy and dirty, but also random, just random and crazy. We've tried hard to preserve the good in it. Preserve yourself. Save yourself. Protect yourself. Protect yourself from what you'll do if you feel any more rage and anger.... i.e. the bobbit incident. and then jail or just regret, and injured reputation. I'm sure being stressed out doesn't make it any easier to hang out with your friends either. You're more alone by trying to deal with a bad situation. Other friends are not going to condone your efforts when you just drag everybody through the mud longer.
When i had anxiety, i needed medication to give myself some breathing room. It worked, and now i 'm a little more wise to the onset of anxiety. When dealing with confrontation, i've learned to spot the warning signs before i get in a situation where i will blow my top. We're not sick for being human and having a temper. We're just trying to protect ourselves. But if we can take ourselves out of the "dangerous" place or personal problem- then we can control our anger. Anger probably takes over because we haven't taken over from anger sooner. Once free of the threat, we're not getting any signals that cause survival reactions, we're getting better and finding room to breathe, allowing our thoughts to become higher ones that eventually can accept our new, more acceptable surroundings. You're upset in counselling because you feel like you're the one with the problem here! But you're not! Nothing angers me more too than having some dork try to tell you to calm down when you passionately believe in your side of the argument. BUT! all that is a waste of time. No one will understand you, you'll never understand him, you just have to leave them, go to your friends, go away, go back to yourself. At the end of your life it should only be a paragraph of a story, a little lesson you learned a long time ago. Cheating, it happens because we're stupid monkey's. Hope you're not Christian or something. Things get harder to understand from that point of view. But anyway, trust that people like you are everywhere trying to have high standards and keep their lives from turning to S**T. Feel me?
I believe you need to excercise, as in sports, to exert some force into your muscles and cleanse your pores, lol. Martial arts are great if you can find a school that teaches peace over violence and exclamates that you are there for self defense and exercise, and fun, most importantly. Also you need to get a divorce or seperate, live apart, grow apart, etc. You have to realize that everything is ruined and will not get better while you're there, letting some one hit you with your own hand. Sounds like fun.
Finally, after you've gone through this painful time, way way down the road... you won't be in jail for doing god knows what (i understand if you know what i mean) you're only human. And while out in the world, working out that stress and doing better for yourself, living a routine that falls into what you accept as "good", you'll have a clearer conscience... darn spelling. You know - you won't have to deal with people that don't fit your idea of right and wrong. Also, you might mature to the point where you realize that although he's a faulty idiot, he is forgivable in a (i don't have to deal with him anymore ) kind of way and just gradually get over those "little " things that almost ruined your life. But they didn't ruin your life: because you changed your life.
If he told you what you wanted to hear it wouldn't make a difference. You'd still know that he did something you can't accept at this point in life (or ever). It's still your decision to leave or condone the other partner. Either you're surprised that you don't care as much as you think you do, or you are too scared, stubborn, ignorant, etc etc.... so many reason we hold ourselves back from making that first tough step. I have to get away. It's a fight or flight response! If you don't choose flight, it's just gonna be more fight. Your life is gonna get shorter and shorter. There's nothing wrong with you for being angry and wanting to turn his body inside out with his own barbeque tongs. The point is that we have to stop ourselves from getting pushed into that corner by making tough decisions for our independance and personal survival.