depressed before marriage

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/15/2010 10:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi ,
I'm 26 and i come from an Asian country with a quite orthodox background- i live at a time when things are changing and there's a big difference between the generation of parents and children. i have a boyfriend who was with me for the past (almost) five years. we are thinking of getting married and ever since then we've been having problems. mainly because i hate to live near his parents after marriage- it's usually the way in out country to move to the husband's house. my parents are quite liberal and i live closer to the city, whereas he lives a little further away and his parents are quite traditional in their thinking- i really like and respect them, but i know that they're very different to my parents. right now, they like me but i know it's because they don't know me very well- i want to avoid the situation of my relationship with my in-laws getting sour - but they're looking forward to have us living with them after marriage (They never had a daughter and my boyfriend is the only child, so his parents are pretty excited about having me over) and i understand their good intentions. but i know they'll get annoyed with my behavior, the way i dress etc. with time...i really don't want that.
my boyfriend is in a situation where he doesn't want to break his parents heart by telling them we want to live separately - i hate to pressure him, and i don't know what to do. i know our marriage will be at risk if i move in with his parents, and they'll end up hating me. i really don't want that.

i have been thinking about this and arguing with my boyfriend over this and going around in circles for months - now i feel as if it has made me hate my boyfriend passively for not fixing this situation, and i find myself depressed and fighting with him unnecessarily. i really don't want to lose him and i fear for my own sanity - i know this is not the end of the world or anything, but we used to be so happy and it makes me so angry that it all has changed - i don't even know who i'm angry at sometimes - i dont want to get married with this mentality, and i dont want to lose the great relationship we have. please help.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/15/2010 10:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. It sounds like you are speculating and assuming things where it is better not to. You assume that they aren't going to like you. You could be so wrong. But if I had all of these doubts I think I would hold off on getting married right away. Can't you talk him into getting yourselves a place of your own? Or is he into the traditional thing? I sure do hope that you can work things out. It would be hard to live with your inlaws. I know that. And would it sort of put a damper on your lifestyle? Think about it long and hard before doing it.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/15/2010 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
I cannot give you advice. But I think you have answer your own question here. Moving in with his parents...right a deal breaker for you.  It is not about him, it is about the independence you need to feel as an adult and as a couple.

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Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 4/15/2010 10:54:55 AM (GMT-6)

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