Only know what makes me unhappy, not happy.

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/25/2010 9:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I've never fully accepted the idea that I may have depression. I have a tendency of bottling everything inside until I can't anymore and I either cry nonstop or I get angry and lash out on the one person I know is closest to me. In my mind I feel like I've always been picked on growing up and going through very painful breakups. Every time I get hurt a little piece of me goes along with it and eventually I've learned to fake a smile, pretend I'm happy, and glide along as if nothing has hurt me or is hurting me. Every time something good comes along for me I sabotage it before it can hurt me. I never let go of the past, I carry it forward with me in all my friendships and relationships. I push away the people who I truly need to believe would never hurt me. I don't want to go to therapy because talking about the things that I'm hurt over makes me feel weak especially because they probably are not even remotely close to being as bad as others situations. I'm so broken down from people that I refuse to let anyone fully in and my insecurities are constantly eating away at me. I have a fantastic boyfriend but I'm so scared of going through the same episodes I have been through in the pass I'm slowly checking out of my relationship and going back into isolation. I'm trying really hard to put myself in other shoes but it seems so hard to stand in my own sometimes that all I want to do is hide and start the next day hoping it will be better. I'm not sure if I can be happy.. if asked I can't think a single thing that does make me happy. No passions, no talents, no great big dreams. I feel so small and useless at times I just don't see why people would want to befriend me. Am I beyond repair? Do I even have something wrong? I'm so sad but have everything I should want right now. Do I blame my past? Do I blame myself? What will make this all better and save me from losing all that's right in my life?

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 4/26/2010 5:25 AM (GMT -6)   
HI BASGO, jamie here, male, 37.
first, depression sucks, it is an insideous beast. it does not discriminate, it breaks us down, to the point of forgetting our talents, qualities and gifts. the repair work is the hard stuff, it is fully acknoweledging that we are depressed, moreover seeking the help. this part can be real difficult, albeit once you get to this point and pass beyong things do get better and much easier.
isolating is one of the key indicators for depression. the past will always flare up in all manner of stuff, thus addressing it is paramount to getting better. it is not to do with blame, especially within ourselves, albeit there are things that may have been causing you distress that have been contributed by others.
this is are a PRECIOUS being of this earth, with gifts and talents unique to only you. they have been hidden in a box, this box is called depression. in time the box will be opened up a little, and you will see some of the stuff that has been taken from you via this insideous beast called depression.
depression has some negative teachings, pretending happiness, maskings of pain, going along. isolating. acknowledging pain is very hard, but when you do it is very carthartic. so some tools, yes we can fight back, renew our learning. so i first suggest seeing your gp, this way you can be assessed and know what you are dealing with. sadly depression can be diagnosed in many different modes, ie bi-polar depression, major depressive disorder, etc. i am sure your dr. will be able to help you understand your condition, furthermore will put you on good path. counselling. counselling is extremely beneficial, you will learn why, what, how and when, along with learning how to regain the hold depression has on you.
i realise that you are worried about therapy, and if i am reading correctly you are worried about stuff that you seem as insignificant, but let me say sometimes is the insignificant unresolved stuff that causes us to break-down. self sabotaging is very common, depressed people do this as a form of punishment, to themselves, i am not saying this of you, but it is common.
you have been very brave in posting, you have also been open, this is a good thing, hey, keep being brave and seek some assistance. there are a myriad of treatments out there, depression totally sucks, sadly it us who feed it. i send healings your way. jamie.

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