Hi. I'm new here. I also go to a personal counselor (1 or 2x a month), I have a support group, as well as friends who are going through similar situations as me, I have very supportive family members, and recently, a spiritual mentor from my church who is older and wiser than me - - all things put in place in my life that I do believe will be helpful.
HOWEVER, I don't seem to be moving forward in my struggles, I feel stuck on a plateau of bad feelings and depression. I find myself not even wanting to forgive, and each day pulling away from my husband more & in my mind, I think "I hate him". I don't want to hate him, but this keeps going through my mind. Several times a day. I hate to be home with him, and I don't even like him to touch me or kiss or hug me anymore. I used to put all my efforts and energy into our relationship, and now it's like I'm so tired of it. I"m so tired of caring. I'm getting nothing in return for my loyalty.
Back up the story: We've known each other for almost 8 years now, married for 6. He's a sex addict (I didn't know - was naive- to this prior to our getting married. If I had known, I would NOT have married him) He has lied to me throughout our entire relationship. I thought the world of him in the beginning, and each year it gets worse and worse (as I have found out more of the truth). supposedly I know the whole truth know, about his sexual exploits with other women during our relationship. This is more than devastating to me. It was my dream to be a virgin until I was married, and to marry a virgin too. This world is so messed up, you can't even find a good, pure man. He was married and divorced before meeting me. I thought I loved him enough anyway. I hate being a "second wife" - - but anyway, that's not even the issue anymore.
The issue is there is NO TRUST in our relationship. I am always skeptical. I have no hope for our relationship in the future, it will always be marred. I believe that he loves me and wants to be healed from this addiction. But it sickens me so much - that I don't even want to wait around anymore to see if we can have a good relationship. I hate sex b/c all I can think about is how many hundreds of women have touched him too. He has gone to strip clubs and massage parlors. I want to vomit even typing that. I hate those women. I hate him for going there. I hate the owners of sick, evil places like that. I also feel sad for those women - to be groped by strange men with addictions and perverts.
I despise divorce over the reasons that people just don't feel like trying - - also, we have two beautiful children together, whom we both love very much. they are 3 and 1 - so we have a lot of years ahead of us to be a family! I want my children to be with their dad, and not in a split home. He's a good dad (sort of, I mean, he loves them a ton, but I do wish he'd make an effort to interact with them more)
However, I become the martyr then, to give them the home I hope for them. I have to suffer in a relationship that sickens me. I feel dirty and used and of course, betrayed. I feel out of control. I feel that I have no options. I haven't even mentioned here all the issues that my husband has -- besides sex addiction, he is incredibly self=absorbed, he never does anything special for me, doesn't even think about me in conversation, everything is ALL about him. He spends our money frivolously, he has no self-control. All promises are empty. I could go on and on. He has several mental health issues, and obsessive-compulsive thoughts and overeating issues too. He is a fruitcake! Sorry, but that's how I feel. I feel like we are just roommates who share kids. He does pay all our bills on time and provides a nice home to live in (I do work too - in addition to raising our kids, I provide fairly good income, but he's the breadwinner). He wants to be a good man and good husband - - but it just isn't happening. I don't see enough changes.
And it's not that I require too much.(I do not shop or spend money besides groceries! I don't expect him to do much around the house, we have fairly equal domestic duties, that we both agreed upon) I just want a real relationship. I want him to invest in me emotionally. I want him to respond to me when I tell him a specific need that I have, instead of ignoring me like I'm not important. Him and his needs are always important to him, and he expects them to be important to me too. But when it comes to something I'm struggling with, he kind of gives me quick, cliche answers and then just shrugs and says "well, I don't know what to tell you". He offers me no emotional support, doesn't seem to attempt to build up our relationship. He says he wants to be married to me, but I feel so invisible.
It has been almost 2 years since I learned of the sexual addiction - well actually, one year since I knew fully all the horrid details. The stress of having a baby didn't help my recovery. Oh, and my oldest sister (who was my best friend and confidant) - knew what I was dealing with in my marriage, but then turned around and had an affair and left her AWESOME husband and two kids for a total loser of a guy. I hate her now - she betrayed my trust, friendship, totally went against everything our extended family stands for. She had no reason to leave her husband, it was only selfish reasons. She even said her ex (my bro-in-law) didn't do anything, it was all her. I hate her because she had a wonderful man and threw him away. I have a crap-case for a husband, and I feel completely stuck in my situation, just because I am loyal and stick to my morals. I'd like to leave him for a good man (or actually, just to be single, not sure I would be able to trust anyone ever again) - - but I won't go through with it because I love my kids too much to make them live in a split home.
I don't know what to do anymore. My counseling doesn't seem to help much - - I can't force myself to forgive or to "let it go" or to believe that what my husband does shouldn't affect me. Of course it does, he promised to be loyal to me and he deliberately chose to lie and betray me.
I carry so much hatred, and that is NOT who I want to be - not who I used to be. I wish I could go back to the days before I met him and not be so naive.
I could type for hours... this is therapeutic. Unfortunately, I know that once I stop typing and leave the computer - it's back to reality and nothing that anyone can say will make the past go away.
I love Jesus and I will follow him all of my days - but what He requires of me in the area of forgiveness - - I just don't understand how to do it. It hurts SO much.
I know that most of what I said is not how a Christian is "supposed" to think. I don't want to give Christianity a bad name. I am just being blatantly honest with how I feel, and I am depressed because I have these thoughts of hatred swirling around in my head and heart - and I don't want to feel this way. I want to love and be forgiving, and act Christ-like. I just struggle so much with how to truly act and feel this way - without it being a front. How to truly let-go of sins that have affected me that were out of my control. I don't know how people move on from sexual trauma in their lives. I wish there was an "easy button" to push. Or an eraser for the pain.
Thanks for reading.