So sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's a heartbreaking thing to go into a marriage with expectations and hopes only to go through the kind of disappointment etc. you have.
Now, on a practical note: First things first: Is your husband in therapy? What sort of accountability do the two of you have in place to ensure he has stopped this behavior?
Most people will tell you that staying together for the kids isn't a good reason. If staying makes you miserable, how is that helping your kids?
Of course you feel hate for your husband. That is a normal feeling for what he did. It doesn't matter what our faith is or who we are, when someone betrays to that degree, the human response is naturally hatred. Forgiveness is something that begins as a choice, and can take years to finally take root on an emotional level. It took me ten years to forgive the last person who betrayed me in a very deep way. So don't beat yourself up. Forgiveness is something we grow into just like we grow into learning how to love better, how to serve etc. Keep praying for it, but also remember that just because you forgive someone, it doesn't mean they are worthy of your trust or that you should stay with them.
When the bible says God hates divorce, the context is important. He was speaking to people at a time when men could divorce their wives for any reason whatsoever. They didn't need a judge. The man would just write the certificate and send his wife away. No justice there. Of course God hates that! But do you really think God is against divorce when it means the destruction of someone's self esteem, their dreams, their happiness etc. if they stay married? Think about
it. And ask Him for courage and wisdom to make the decision that is right for you, okay? I say this because I care and don't want to see you chain yourself to something because of a wrong belief about
how God feels on these things.
If the marriage can be healed and your husband is undergoing treatment etc., then there could be a wonderful happy ending. But if the marriage began on a lie, and was not meant to be (I'm not saying it wasn't, but IF it wasn't), then staying isn't going to change that. i.e. two wrongs don't make a right. But maybe it was meant to be OR maybe it can be redeemed. Only you can answer that.
Having said that, I DO hope you and your h can find a way to get past this. Just that if you stay, stay for the right reasons. And understand that addiction recovery and trust recovery and forgiveness ALL are long haul things. You both need to be committed to walking through a healing process. I'm sure you already know that you can't just sweep the past under the rug, and expect things to be fine. It will take A LOT of work from both of you to get past this and rediscover each other again. It can be done though.
Church support is great, but generally cannot replace the need for a skilled therapist or psychologist etc. when it comes to your husband's issues, as well as your marital issues. Hope you can find professional help - giving yourselves all the (necessary) tools you can find to help you heal.
Post Edited (manyembers) : 4/27/2010 2:09:18 PM (GMT-6)