Posted 12/31/2004 10:11 AM (GMT -7)
I have had a 4 year ongoing relationship while I was married with a coworker who was married too. Finally he confessed that he loves me, and I allowed myself to fall in love with him. I left my husband so that I can spend more time with the new guy. But when I left, I expected him to do the same, but he didn't. He kept saying that he will, but didn't want to hurt his wife, since she's done nothing wrong. Oh, okay, but you can keep hurting me, right? It's been 9 months since I left my husband. The new guy is planning to tell his wife this January that he wants to leave. But he still want to stay with her until June to make sure she will be ok, you know to take care of things,like sell the house and relocate her with her family in Tahoe or Vegas. I have never been a patient person, and for me to survive 9 months like this, is an extreme achievement. I kept telling him that I cannot take this anymore, and he always said he understood, but obviously in his mind he always minimized it. He kept telling himself that he is leaving his wife for me, so it shouldn't matter how long it takes, since the end result will be that we will be together. But I don't feel the same. I tried to get out of this relationship so many times, I left him so many times, but I can't. I always come back, because I can't live without him. Or so I feel.
I get so depressed the times when he is not around. His wife suspects that he is cheating, she has been for quite some time. She is now watching him like a hawk. And he still doesn't get it, that he is not making this easy on anybody. She would be much better off if she knew where he is. Then they can just end it and everybody could move on. But he keeps us both waiting, and hurting. WHy?
I have a little son, and I love him to death. I so wish I could just live my life in peace with him and forget about all the males in the world. If I could just let go of this one, I would be so much better off. But I can't. And I hate myself for being so weak. I can't even leave for 24 hours. Before the sun goes down I am back talking to him and asking him to come over again.
YEsterday while he was there and we were fighting, I felt like I can really not deal with this anymore, so while he was there, I picked up a bunch of pain killers that I got when I had my son, for the C-section, and I started eating them one by one. He found me and took out my whole medicine cabinet. He even took all my son's cold medication. That was funny. Sorry. He was quite mad at me for going this far, but I really felt like I just don't have any other choices, cause I tried everything to get over him and it never worked.
I know I made a mistake when I started this relationship with him, it was wrong and I always felt guilty about it. I still do, even though I already left my husband, so it is not like I am cheating anymore. But I feel bad for his wife now. I feel guilty for taking away her man. I wish I could end this so bad. But would somebody please tell me how??? I am addicted to him, and he is the most wonderful person that I have ever met, and I know that if or when we will get together we could have a totally wonderful life. He is so wonderful in so many ways. If this wasn't meant to be, then why did we even meet?
I don't want to hurt myself, and I don't want to hurt my child by hurting myself. I know he loves me and needs me, but would somebody tell me how can I stop these tremedous feelings I have for this guy, so I can just move on with my life and give my full attention to my loving son???