For the past while now, I have been confused about my life. I feel as if I'm doing something wrong, that I'm not aware of and I'm like okay I need to change my life and start over. as well as if I'm not taking advantage of my life and making something of myself.
I truly do not know what is causing this feeling in my body, but is it causing me to be extermely upset and I suppose depressed.
Just recently for the past few mouths, I got this feeling where negativity was trying to take over my brain, as odd as that may sound. it was like no matter how hard I tried to feel and be positive ( which I always do) I felt these force's of negativity trying to take over. I feel as if I have over come that, by staying strong and not letting it get to me. but now I have this problem.
I feel as if i know the reason, but I am in denial.
When I was at a younger age, I and another started talking, we feel madly in love with one another, but the problem was, was that he was a few years older, and we knew that my mother would have a huge problem with it. at the time we didn't care and we just did what ever was possible to keep it from her, until one day she went through my emails and found out. that night we were forbidden to ever talk to one another again, and that if she found out, she would get the police involved. I called him the next day and he said that if I didn't here from him before December 1st, (This was September) he was either dead or in jail from all of this. I was divested and bawled my eyes out every night and when December 1st came, I never heard a word from him.
a few months after that I met someone else, I wasn't thinking straight. and all I hoped for, was that this person was going to be the man I loved before, I did what ever was possible to convince myself that, but in the end that just wasn't the case. This Guy turned out to be controlling, self centered, was only happy if things went his way and more. I lost my virginity to him.
while I was dating this guy, a year while being into the relationship, the guy I loved so dearly re added me on the computer, he was bothered by the fact that I didn't wait for him, But I didn't know I was ever going to here from him again, considering what he said and even though I was with another, all I ever did was try to convince myself that this guy, was the guy I loved. he was most bothered that I had sex with my current boyfriend at the time.
after him hearing all this, he was very antsy about his feelings towards me, every other time we would talk he would tell me he loved me/ missed me, and then he would go on about how great his life was, he did admit that he did that, because he didn't want to bring me down with him, and that he wasn't sure that I should be with him for my sake, but I didn't care, because I knew I loved him. also, after he found out I had sex, it was like, he talked about that more then ever, and it was rare we had a civil conversation, like how we use too. all of this threw me off.
After I ended things with my boyfriend, for the way he was, I ended up with someone else a while after, due to being thrown off by the guy I loved, I feel as if I might have messed up in my relationship decision making, and I question weather I should be with the person I am now at times. some times its like okay I think I really do love him, but then other days, its like... what am I doing with my life?
please don't consider me a bad person for doing all this, I wasn't thinking straight and I just wanted the person I once loved back.
I miss the guy I loved, I don't know what to do, I feel as if I have messed up so much, I cant sleep at night. ;'(
I don't know what to do. Please take the time and help me, I beg of you.