hey,, first off. im new to this. the reason i got this is because ive been feeling really depressed lately, and i have absolutely no one to talk to. my family doesnt even realize it, let alone care. same with friends. so i just need to say something and get it out of my head, you know?
i dont feel depressed because of a specific person or something. its just me. no matter what people say to me, i dont think im pretty. im not. i dont get why people just say it to say it. 2. i absolutely hate my body. and when i try to talk to someone about this, reply= "***, your so skinny." no. not in my eyes. im just going to say it, im bisexual, and nobody really knows. i cant talk to anyone about it. i feel like nobody really even knows what im like. and if they did theyd be disgusted or wouldnt care to talk to me. i dont get along with people and im not comfortable.
dont say im looking for attention, please. im honestly not. im just looking for a true, genuine friend, even if i wouldnt know their name or anything. i dont care. i dont have anyone to talk to, and i think thats whats making me feel like this. ive never told anyone about how i feel.
sometimes i feel like i just want someone to pull the bracelets off my arm and see the scars, for someone to notice and just help me, you know what i mean? its not that i want to tell someone, or that im going to purposely make it noticable. because thatd take everything in my life as i know it away. but maybe i need that. i dont know.
do you ever feel like youd be completely better off dead? when youre sitting there feeling the physical pain of being so darn miserable and you just say to yourself, why am i still here? i could just end this all right now and get everything over with and never have to worry again. im afraid of whats in the future. i dont want to go in the future. i want so badly to go back to when i could still crawl into my moms lap and have her hold me and not care what people thought. when i could care less about what i wore or how i looked. when i didnt even know what sadness or misery or suffering was. before i even knew about anything. but you cant go back. and it kills me to know that. because i hate it. and im afraid of the future, i hate me and my life now, and i cant go back. ther reason i havent done it yet is because im too afraid to. im not a strong believer in anything, but i do believe in God (im not getting into religion though) and hell. im afraid of what hell would be like. im afraid of what happens to me after i die, or what if something amazing happens after im gone?
wow. ive been writing down my thoughts more than i ever have in my life before. ive never talked to anyone--EVER-- about my feelings or anything, so this is pretty wierd saying it to strangers. but not as embarassing because nobody knows who i am.
anyway, if you cared to read this, im genuinly suprised. if you didnt, i dont blame you honestly. but thanks.
and if you did read this, please reply something. i dont care what. just anything. but PLEASE, and not saying anyone will, but please dont say something about feeling sorry for me. i do not want in any way to be pitied.
I had to delete for content. We are not allowed to discuss self harm or suicide. Please understand...
Post Edited (silencedseductionx) : 5/11/2010 6:19:05 PM (GMT-6)