I usually post on the anxiety board, because that is my most prevalent problem, but please please please someone read this and tell me I'm not a lunatic.
I have been battling a severe case of the lonelys lately. Like I talked about before, I can be in a room of people, all paying attention to me, and still feel totally alone. Even on this message board, I feel like I am writing to no one. It's not true, I know, and I have a very supportive husband and a daughter that adores me, but I feel like I don't exist. Sometimes when my roommate, my husband, and I are in the car conversing, I'll say something or ask a question, and my roommate will interrupt me and all attention goes to what she's saying. I know my husband doesn't ignore me on purpose, but it still stabs at my heart.
I had to leave nail tech school cuz my roommate - who is my only source of transportation - did not get me there on time, or sometimes not at all, and you have to be there for a certain amount of hours in order to be certified. Having to quit school two weeks before graduation has also been pulling at me, as well as my dad saying he knew that would happen since I do nothing but disappoint him. But I can disregard that. I feel like I don't exist to my family. If I try to talk to them about it, my mom for instance, she will bring up school and how I didn't finish after she paid all of my tuition and for all of my supplies. That is all my parents seem to be concerned with - me constantly disappointing them. I feel like they are better off without me in their lives - and I feel like they feel the same.
I have a younger sister who did finish cosmetology school and moved down to Key Largo, where apparently she is doing well for herself. I should be happy for her, but I find myself resenting her for all of her success. I'm the older child, I should be established, I have an 11 month old daughter to support on top of everything. She is the world to me. She is the reason I even went to school. I want to make her proud when she's older, not embarrassed because her mommy couldn't finish school, regardless of the situation. My sister doesn't call me, contact me online, or send messages of even hello through my mother (whom she is closest to).
I know this is a long post, and I understand if no one reads it because of that, but I need to feel some sort of affirmation that I am important to SOMEONE, other than my daughter who depends on me to meet all of her needs. I know my husband loves me, and he gets offended if I tell him I feel like my feelings don't matter to him. I know they do. I just don't think he's used to being with someone who needs so much attention and reassurance.