Posted 5/18/2010 5:17 PM (GMT -7)
This, as the title said, is my first post on the HealingWell forums, and I don't know how to start.
Ive been diagnosed with severe depression and though I've had bouts of it throughout my childhood, I've hit a "peak" in my current teenage years and need help.
For the past year and a half I've been just generally sad and not myself. I've been to the doctor and was on Prozac but that only made me feel empty, and I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Prozac led me to wanting to cut myself and a physical inability to cry along with sleeping WAY too much. I would like to note that I have never injured myself purposely no matter how tempting it has been. I've also been on multiple birth controls to try and "balance my out-of-whack hormones" as my mother puts it. I did not stay on birth control long as it made me break out (more than what depression was already making me) and also made me anemic (for all the ladies out there who understand, I was menstrual for 28 days at a time and the week I wasn't on the pill I wouldn't bleed. It just SCREWED me up and I think I may still be recovering, months later) . I am not on any pills currently, and I like it best this way. Pills generally have negative affects on me. Also; I have never drank or done drugs.
So that was my medical history, but as for my feelings, this is so much harder for me to put to words.
I am completely inable to talk about my feelings with people; whether they be doctors, family, or even friends. Coming on here is one and writing this is one of the hardest things I have done. Even talking to my doctor I felt as though I was in pain just saying the word "depressed", and I ended up downplaying my feelings, trying to sound fine even while talking about suicide.
I feel as though I have been trained to serve other people and not myself, and that my feelings are invalid and not real. I don't let people see me cry, although I cry almost every day, and the few times my mother has walked in on me crying things only got worse. She made me come downstairs and speak with her and my father. I love my father very much, he is calm and doesn't yell at me ever. My father and my older sister understand me, and let me say what I need to when I'm really upset. My mother, however, is a very demanding entity. She is extremely narcissist, everyone in my family comments on it behind her back simply because if we say something to her things get out of control. Anyway, when she brought me downstairs during one of my crying fits, she told me to tell what was going on. I began to say how I felt, and her face changed. Whenever I try to say something about my feelings her face grows cold and stone-like, and she looks at me with pursed lips and scrunched eyebrows, like she is trying to be a therapist and doing a horrible job at it. While I was talking, I told her to please stop making that face at me. She immediately starting yelling at me saying that I'm too sensitive and that ever since I was a child it's been like "walking on eggshells" with me. I admit I'm very sensitive, but for the amount that I hide from everyone, I feel like I'd come off as a rock. While my mom yells at me, which is quite often, she always turns things around to where she is the victim and I am just a crazy hormonal teenager. I try to tell her that she is hurting my feelings and that I'm not, but whenever I say this she ALWAYS says "Oh so its ALL about you and IM the bad guy! Of course!"
Its impossible for me to talk to her. I don't know if I can make it until college when I can move out. I'm only a sophomore, and have two full years of school left. I have good friends in school, and even though my grades aren't straight A's I am well-educated in my own right. I spend much of my free time reading novels, writing poetry, and studying history (I want to work at the Louvre when I'm older), but in subjects like math and science I'm good to an extent and then things get hard for me. Freshman year I received an "Algebra Achievment Award", but this year (in Geometry and Algebra 2) I've gotten C's instead of As and just don't understand the math well. My mother cannot stand this, and tells me I need to apply myself more (even though I truly am trying) and that she doesnt believe me when I saw I have bad teachers (which I really do!). Her stubborness hurts me, and causes me to be depressed.
I'm sorry that this is so long, I'm just venting thoroughly for the first time in my life.
A few more things about my mom:
-Last year I kept a diary at the peak of my depression. I would often vent about the things my mother would yell at me about and how horrible she made me feel. She ended up looking for my diary, reading it, and then saying that I'm a tainted person who is certifiably insane. She said that nothing but hate goes through my mind and that I'm disgusting the way I am. This will never leave my memory it hurt me so much. I'm not crazy or tainted through hatred. I'm hurt, and I'm broken. I try to be good, I really do, but my secret emotions get in the way, and I don't want to be reprimanded about it.
-Often when my mom is yelling at me and I try to stand up for myself, she will repeat whatever I just said with a nasily mocking voice and it only makes me cry harder and want to scream. I get extremely claustrophobic when I'm not being heard, and I suspect that this is what led to my auditory hallucinations of voices whispering to me constantly "run away."
-On my last birthday, the family all went out to dinner, but I ended up in tears along with my sister (who doesn't cry) because of a family fight about the restaurant choices that my mother didn't like. I wanted Italian food that night but she wanted Mexican and obviously HER choice is superior. I didn't really get a 16th birthday, and ended up baking myself my own cake. My dad tried to make me feel better by giving my a hundred dollars and a shoulder to cry on he always tries to make me feel better, but the memory still hurts. My mom's birthday was last week (the day after mothers day) and everyone gave er gifts ON mothers day. I wrote her a poem and gave a framed angel picture that she loved, along with baking her cake. The next day, her birthday, she yelled at me and my sister for not celebrating it and said that we were disgraceful daughters. I reminded her of my own failed birthday and she simply said "thats NOTHING like this! You were being stubborn and trying to make yourself a victim!"
-Finally, years ago my mom crocheted me a blanket. After a fight with her I took it out of my room and put it in the playroom downstairs (my mom has an at-home daycare and my reasoning was "the kids will like it more than I ever can, since they actually love my mom"). She ended up storming into my room screaming about how much I hurt her feelings and how cruel I am that I put the blanket in there and I felt horrible about what I had done. I silently questioned myself how I could feel bad for her feelings when she NEVER validates mine?
That's my story and most of my problems. I don't know what to write anymore. I need help though, I need someone to tell me how I can make it through my life with a narcissistic mother, a bad body image (I used to be anorexic, 5'4 and 110 pounds, and now I think I'm fat since I have gained weight because of the birth control fiascos, 5'7 and about 150 pounds), and I also just have problems thinking.
Can somebody help me? Heal me?
Thank you for reading, and I'm sorry that this wasted your time. I probably wrote more than I needed to, but thank you for reading.