Hey. Cant believe i finally got around to posting something, i was pretty scared what people would say. Please be nice....ok so i have three kids. my oldest one is by a different man than the younger two. I am with the younger two's father. about October, his twin brother got killed in a wreck. I had to support him emotionally like i had never had to do before, and i was left feeling inadequate as i watched him spiral down into apathy. He wouldn't talk to me about anything, and ended up losing his job. Then in February, i got a call from my father up in Chicago ( i was living in north Carolina at the time) telling me that my brother had died. I was heartbroken, and flew up for the funeral. I talked to my family about our struggling financial situation while I was up there, and decided that it would be a good idea to move back up there. The whole while, i am still trying to support my man emotionally and trying to put my own grief on the back burner, cause three kids under four didn't really leave me the time to process what i was feeling. So here i am, in may, moved into my other brother's basement just two weeks ago with all this stress and emotional pain from being here.
I feel so alone and lost, like i'm falling into this dark pit and i cant climb out. A few people have noticed i starting mixing up my words, saying one thing and thinking i said another and just not ever realizing it. I have been mixing things up in my head too, not remembering things that happened five minutes ago, and days are starting to just blur together. I cant talk to my man about it because i don't want to bring up his pain and make him feel bad. I have tried telling him how this black heavy cloud seems to weigh so heavily on me, and he said i would be fine. the problem is i don't feel fine. I have these horrible thoughts all the time, and they are completely uncontrollable. I certainly have no intention or desire to act upon these thoughts, however it just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't know what to do. I have no energy, I ran out of hope, even playing with my kids feels like a chore lately, and then i feel bad about that, and its just one big spiral that i cant escape. I have to keep such a tight rein on my feelings all day and pretend like everything is fine, that I am exhausted by the end of the day, which just makes the next day harder. I finally got to the point right now that I had to tell someone or i thought i might lose it completely. Thank you for listening.