Solitude seems like the best thing, but when the world comes crushing down on my head, I'm barely even standing, to be left on my own.
See, I'm a very anti-social person, always had and have been. It didn't bother me much at first, till I realized how much I envied friendship, by realizing the silence of my empty apartment. Basically, my mother has abandoned me on my own, my father, which I hate and depise with all my guts is lost in my memory, which I personally cut off contact with him since I was a kid. So, I'm basically a 16 year old living on her own, no mother, no father, but at least my mother is paying for my boarding school to say the very least. So, my life, is a boarding school, and an empty apartment I come home ever weekend to. My realitives are far away, not even living in one city, it's more like "I'm in the North, they are in the South". My grandparents are probably the only two people in the world I would ever love, they support me by sending me some small cash for the weekends.
I'm borderline poor, but it's because of my grandparents I can at least get online on a very old laptop. Basiclly, my life is a silent hell, no relation to family, not even a meger form of having a somewhat normal life. But when I return to boarding school, it gets a lot worse. Everybody in my class thinks I'm stupid, and not even one ounce of compassion is given to me. I've only been in this school for three months at the most, and before that I recieved no education, it was a self-studied homeschooling, to the point my grandparents "suggested" my mom I should be going to school. So, catching up is hard, and some might not believe me on how I write, but it's mainly I found comfort in writing blogs, diaries, and online RPs. The internet is something most amazing, and my best friend, and more over time I find my self attaching to games that are not even fun. Beyond all of this, do you know what is my real problem?
My life is one big stress, I can't consentrate on school, for some part I don't even wish to be at school any more. It's been only last week were when I took my monthly exam I failed miserbly, even when I had absoute fate on my self. You have to get, this school is filled with rich kids with mothers and father pushing them to go to best colleges. How did I get in? It was only because my mom's friend, his daughter also goes to that school. And even when I failed at the entrance exam, the principle made me an experiment, basically taking pity on the "poor girl" showing face to the school. Even then my grandparents had to cash out a lot of money for this school and it doesn't cover one forth of the tuition.
So, a girl as lucky as me should be taking every opprtunity at this school, and basically I was when I first started out. But it's because I was placed in the school when it's middle semster, or maybe it was the lack of education, it was hard to catch up, and when I finally did they already moved on to a new subject. Being slow is not a good thing, especially in front of "geniuses" for they are have access to anything, books, tutors. For me, I'm below failing, and I'm trying my best on my own two feet. It is somewhat my fault to somewhat slack off on some parts, but otherwise I'll be studying to the break of dawn, and missing out on sleep, which only ends up having me sleep in class. Just because I end up dozing off, people look at me as a bad student. It's like I can keep my self awake, just being exuasted from studying. It's probably why I keep getting sick all the time, and even then people have no pity for the sick.
It sooned quickly evolved to where I just sort of gave up, and found comfort in staring into my cellphone 24/7. Not to chat, text, or what not, but to go online and searching suicide stories.
Maybe life would be better if I had a friend in the world, and even that I treat my classmate well, they never notice me, and even I buy them things which money I don't have, they seem to keep a distance, and say bad things behind my back. Do you understand what degree of loneliness where I'm at?
It's to the point where I forgotten my own birthday, on my sweet sixteen. Not even one meger peice of cake to celebrate with, and somehow I wish to be like those spoiled kids on tv. On that day, I was curled up beside my computer, alone, watching a movie. Not even my mom returned a call to say happy birthday. It was only may grandparents who sent me a card till I realized I was 16. A cruel kind of satire, for I've been kind of used to it. Same with my 13th, 14th, and 15th birthday all had been passed withnot a single person to share with.
Everything from feelings of abandoment, loniness, and stupidity is weighing on neck, where it's to the point it seems pointless to live. Because the world is cruel, cold, not even one inch of compassion is given where I can breathe.
There is two ways to go, die or fight.
I wish to fight, I wish to go on, I wish to prove everybody wrong and tell the world I matter. But all I see myself is loosing at the end, because I have no strength, no will, no hope to keep going on. Where I surcome to this, a last chance of hope. Because I know there is a way through all of this, and people have it much worse then I....
It's just I'm lost, and cold.
I have nothing to loose if I pass away, maybe all but my diginity. Maybe it's because I wish to keep my diginity, my hate for all others, I still live just trying to prove a point.
More or less, I'm coming close to my road's end. I don't know how to ask for help, but I want to find a way out of misery.
I just want to find hope.