Hey everyone. I'm new to this site. I know I'm not deeply depressed but I am suffering from some depression and greif since my Father died a month ago. I have an amazing boyfriend that reminds me of my dad in so many ways, they got along great and he was with me through the entire ordeal of finding out about his death, etc.
After we tossed his ashes in the sea, everything was great, I felt relieved and felt like life was going to be good again... Then I started getting this horrific, nagging thoughts that I was a terrible, horrible person for some reason. One situation came to mind.. In the first weeks of starting my relationship with this man that I am with, I was fooling around with my best friend (female also) when we would get very very intoxicated. I did not tell my boyfriend at the time for a variety of reasons, and then we had a break and got back together and nothing like that has happened since. I told him about this because I felt I needed to clear my concience and he FLIPPED more that I thought he would at this time...
We have worked through that problem with the help of my best friend and some time to ourselves but now... Now I have these horrible memories of past sexual (mildly sexual, images and thoughts mostly) experiences that I am feeling a sick guild and disgust about. I mean, these were things at the time that I felt could be easily pushed aside as childhood curisities and teenage confusion.
Now, all of a sudden, I am reliving them and every other negative experience I ever went through. For some reason, I want to tell my boyfriend ALL of this, but I know if I did he would not see it as me cleaning my slate, he would probaly see it as something I was keeping from him (when really I was keeping this from myself). I also know that we cannot afford to go through anymore grief like that together without it risking the end of my relationship.
I need him in my life, but at the same time, I need to not feel this disgust and guilt. Its causing me to suffer anxiety over irrational fears and I've even been having trouble sleeping. I don't really know what to do.
My best friend (who is an amazing pillar of strength) has told me that the things my mind is reliving is just my 'ego' finding ways for me to feel bad about myself, and that this is part of dealing with the entire grief of my dads death. She and I both feel that I am trying to role-reverse with my boyfriend, to make him seem like a father figure, and me wanting to tell him these things is just me REALLY wanting to tell my dad these things. I would love to know what someone on here thinks about all of this. I know its a lot to read but I'd appreciate some feedback. I'm at a point where even posting this makes me feel better and gives me the perseverance to continue my day at work.
Thanks and god bless.