I am relatively new to this forum -- not new to reading this as it has helped me with Lupus.
I am also bi-polar and am on meds -- so the generalities are out on the table, so to speak.
On May 14th, I walked my father thru the transition from life to death. I did this for my mother in 1987 when she passed from breast cancer that had spread to bone, brain and lung. Her passing was horrific -- scary horrific. I still to this day see that in my 'minds' eye when I think of my mom -- and the fight, the fear.
However, for my dad -- a much different passing. I put my head next to his on his pillow and started talking to him. It was one of the most precious moments of my life -- and I would never have wanted it any other way. During his transition, I actually had the feeling of two hearts beating in my chest. It was so not normal, that I remember telling myself 'Oh God - do not let me pass out now'. I have since learned that what I was doing became a vessel for him -- and his last gift to me was to touch my heart.
I went into 'get it done' mode after he passed. I was with him until the mortuary drove away. I did his DVD, picked out the music, made his picture, wrote his Eulogy, etc etc etc. I seem to do this in times of strife -- I just step up and go. My sister and her family have been dealing with some very troubling financial issues, so I have been helping them and taking care of one of my nephews who is in college by taking on his expenses. I do these things because I know they have no one else...and I love them. But now I find the pain of losing him and feeling all this pressure inside my heart becoming too much to manage. I am realizing that I am alone and that has been very difficult to get a real grasp on. But I know in time, I will. However, my world seems to have stopped. My focus is bad -- especially on the job. I just cannot stay together in my thoughts and focus long enough to be of value or do it justice. I seem to cry all the time. And now, my lupus is in a major flare and the affects of this flare are more than I ever anticipated -- and couple it with the emotional side, I feel very very lost and very very sick all at the same time.
I wonder if there will ever come a time where the 'old' me will come back and I will find that desire (I'm a workaholic and have been for over 10 years) to work and get in that zone in my head. I wonder if I am crippled up so badly emotionally that I am slipping into this dark hole and I am unable to stop it. I miss him - I miss his laugh -- I miss his jokes -- I miss everything about him every minute of every day. And believe me, watching pancreatic cancer eat a person away is horrible and grueling and not anything I would wish on anyone. I thought it was bad with my mom and the tumor that deformed her face, but this was even more horrific because my dad was still cognizant and sharp-minded; it was his body that was quitting on him and he knew. My mom's saving grace was that the tumor in her brain made her mind go into different worlds and places. Knowing how much my father suffered every day and went throught was why it was so important for me to be there with him and to walk him to that better place. But does anyone ever find their way back from all this pain within because frankly, I'm afraid if I don't do something and fast, I could lose myself.
Lupus is not fun and what I have occurring now is zapping me of everything -- and now it seems that I may not get to go see my sister for her birthday because the Lupus is in full flare and my faculties are not able to withstand airplane travel. I know I'm breaking her heart...and I don't know how much more I can manage before I just decide to stay in bed and let it all go in sleep.
My dad was a really great dad -- a good man and I just wish I could say goodbye with the same dignity he did...because God knows, I am not.
A smile means everything to the one who receives it.
Lupus SLE, Bi-Polar (diag 2001)
Drugs: Plaquenil, Propranolol, Xanax, Prednisone, Lamictal, Synthroid
OTC/Natureopathic: Bayer Aspirin, Advil, Omega3, B-complex, C, Acidolphulus, Calcium (magnesium & zinc), Vitamin D drops and Juice-PLUS