Posted 6/22/2010 11:38 PM (GMT -7)
Alright im not sure where to start, because there is just so much going on at the moment.
I am currently trying to sit uni exams, and i literally cant concentrate because i am just so emotionally exhausted from everthing that is going on at the moment. I'll just start from the beginning?
When i was a kid, my dad moved out and the only time i would see him, was when he came back to take my brother to sport on the weekend. i am the oldest of four, and as a child was constantly told i was a waste of space, time and money. good grades werent enough because i could have done better. i was very sheltered, and didnt have many friends. i was never allowed to socialise or go anywhere aside from school and my many various after school activities. i felt i had to protect my younger siblings from the world, and when my parents told them that they werent worth anything either, i felt like i had failed. needless to say, i didnt have much self esteem.
then i met my friend, who was going through the same things as me. it started to get better as i had someone to confide in. but then things got worse with her, and i did everything i could to make her happy. i took on everything she gave me, because all i wanted was to make her okay and smile. thats my role. i take things for other people. i would prefer to suffer than someone else. i put myself out for her, and became her everything. she was seeing a psychologist as things became too much. then one day i got a call from her family telling me she had passed on. and it was because she wanted to. i was absolutely a mess, and this is where all mu trust problems began. i saw a psychologist for a few years, and thought i had dealt with everything. i didnt blame myself anymore, and i realised i couldnt have done more than i did. i honestly thought i was going to be okay, but everything that was left, was my inability to be close to anyone and not trust anyone again.
this was 5 years ago.
what i am trying to deal with now, is the fact that i have let 2 people into my life.
one, who i have known since school, and i am almost in the same situation agaiin. she is started taking drugs when she was younger, and is now so addicted to them she isnt a person anymore. she only went to the doctor because o forced her, and she is just wasting her entire life. i dont know what to do anymore. i am really the only person who cares because my other friends are telling her to 'live while you are young'. ive had to do all her uni assignments for her this year, and she wont go and seek help unless i drag her there. she wont listen to me, and i cant lose someone i care about so much again. its really playing on my mind.
the other, is a guy i met at uni last year. we have connected on a level that i never saw as possible. he is the only person in the world who knows everything about my past. he is really the only person i trust completely. we were seeing eachother for a little while but he broke it off. that hurt, but not as much as the reasons behind why. i know i have alot on my plate, and i realise i expect too much sometimes. but he just walked away. when he knew, how much i need stability. i know i should have probably opened up to other people, and not burdened everything on him. he has his own stuff to deal with, but will never accept my help. he is my best friend, and he has no idea that what he had done, brought up everything else with my friend. the abandonment, lonliness, and complete emptiness.
ironically, he then came back into my life, and helped me fix all of that. i have recently finally been able to let go of my friend and start to move on with my life, he gave me hope, confidence, the ability to fight again. i do not understand why i trust and love him so much, but i do. and he said i was the one person in the world he trusted aswell, and that he loved me aswell.
but in the last month, he left again. andnothing has been the same since. all i want is for it to go back. we randomly talk but not like we used to. it is completely stressing me out because i feel myself becoming unhappy again. i dont know what to do about either situation.
all i know is that i cant do it alone anymore, and there isnt anyone else that i trust enough to tell the entire thing to. because it really is too much.
Thankyou for any help you are able to provide.