My Dear Friend,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way about your life, if it counts for anything. Like Karen said, don't ever feel like you're burdening us by posting your thoughts on here- we aren't going to judge you, and we are here to help you, no matter what the case.
I think sometimes, because you're so rational and smart, your brain makes you overanalyze situations and makes you come to these hopeless thoughts toward your social and spiritual life. You just have to remember to try and urge it to stop speeding into the future, and not consider trying to control the future. Believe it or not, you're young! You're only in your 20s, and some people are still even in college at the point that you're at! You have plenty of time to find someone who understands you, so long as you're open to what God brings to you, and so long as you never EVER give up hope.
We cannot control the future. We can't make someone be there for us, and we can't look through the entire planet to comb out the one person that is completely in sync with our needs and wants. We're weak... We're human. That's why we have to put our trust in the higher power, and trust that He has a plan for us. There's a reason for your suffering- it may not seem like it now, and you might not ever discover this reason, but I promise you that one day, in this world or the next, leagues beyond what our deepest thinking can imagine, you WILL be rewarded, and you WILL be happy. But you have to pull through these tough times, and cannot give up. You have to have the strength to succeed, and the strength to have faith no matter what the price.
Look, I know how it feels to be alone. I know how even the connections you have made with people in your life don't feel complete. I know how much you just need someone to understand you, and be able to reach your thought processes. I know the feeling of wanting to crawl away and never return to our social world, because the point of all the suffering never seems to come clear. But we aren't the only ones that feel like that. Countless others, whether they show it or not, share our loneliness, and share our pain, but, like us, cannot publicly express this for the fear of rejection or judgement.
Please, please, don't take away this gift of life that God has given to you with purpose. Please resist the temptation, for your sake, for your eternal soul's sake, and for the people's lives you impacted- lives that would be crushed without you. You are special, and God gave you a purpose. Speak to Him. open up your heart to Him. Accept the fact that your life is almost entirely out of your hands, and trust that He will find a place of happiness for you.
Christian, you've made it through your entire life with this suffering. I know it's soo hard to keep going on, but something will come out good in the end. Don't isolate yourself yet- you have to give time a chance to work for you. Just hold on, one day, alone or not alone, you will find happiness, and realize that all of the suffering is worth it. Just hold on.
All the best, and hope to hear from you soon. Prayers and healing to you, always.