Terri (and yes, you too Laine)
I'm sure you believe in taking the car to the garage if you hear the exhaust grumbling, cleaning your house windows if they are dirty, fixing a leak in the roof or clearing out the gutters....well, there's no point in beating yourself up over the fact that you need to vent and can't be all things to all people, everybody deserves a bit of downtime to get some maintenance done ! You're absolutely right to allow yourself a little time off from working to destress in your hour of need...it's an investment in yourself. (He that is ill to himself is no good to anybody.)
It sounds to me like you guys are struggling on under enormously difficult circumstances, and you need to give yourselves more credit. Me, I've never been married, never raised kids.... never even qualified for the racetrack you guys are trying to jump the hurdles on.
You can only be responsible for your mistakes, not for everybody else's. You'd give them the credit for their achievements, wouldn't you ? Well, being able to admit that they screw up is the flip side of that coin, and letting them know it when they do is as important as giving them praise. (You could try a book called "Psychocybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz, M.D. if you want some more in-depth ideas on how people adjust their ideas and attitudes.)
The " I feel [this way] because you say [something] which makes me think you [have an attitude]" recipe is a great way of dealing with misunderstandings...amongst strangers and work colleagues. It's hell to train your family to do though ! (Particularly us men, I'm afraid. And even more, if it's like father, like son... Constructive Criticisms'R'Not Us !)
Seems to me though - forgive me if I'm out of order here, I know I've no personal first-hand experience but I've watched friends and family struggle with the issue - if there is no trust in a relationship, then it is built on sand, and will not survive floods. If you think I'm wrong to say this, I'm sorry, feel free to vent, I had no intention to offend...it's just the view from afar. Whether right or wrong, who knows ?