I was in a long distance relationship for two years. It robbed me off many things from myself to my family and my friends. I had and maybe still have lost myself so much in it,that at times I don't know if it's my own reaction or it's the reaction I convinced myself of for making the guy I was with happy. He left me for another girl,on one of my trips to his city. Also my grandfather who I was really really close to had a sudden death.It hit me really bad,and I was in depression and I would. I was under a psychiatrist counselling along with medication. I would have trouble sleeping,or would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. We did continue my counselling,but my parents stopped it,saying I have to come out of it alone.
During this time my best friend of 5 years,helped me cope with it. Somehow we ended being together. However I would still cry all alone over my ex,but never ever felt like cheating on my best friend.
Not only caz I owed it to him but also 'caz I could never ever think of it. He however would act like I didn't need him,which to be very honest I did. It was two long years and I couldn't so easily become his and just act like nothing happened. For me I was hurting and crying. He being a working person hardly had time for me. We do talk 15 mins a day,and somehow I felt at that point for me to ever come out of my ex,was not being so alone all the time. We would have terrible fights and he would always disappear for like days,caz that's how he deals with his anger.I on other hand would cry and feel much worse,caz it just added to my pain. But I would still have sleepless nights,and lethargic days,I would and even at the mildest touch during sleep I would wake up screaming and crying.
At one such point,I dunno what I was thinking I made out with someone. However even during that sometime I couldn't do it,I do kept thinking about
him. It was a disaster as the guy said I was a kid and couldn't do anything. We didn't have sex caz I couldn't come out of my shell. Also during this time I was on my depression medication,and I have blanks in my memory of the time I was on the medication,I dont remember things and parts of my memory are completely blank.
I went back to being with my guy,never ever mentioning it,and he continued to be sometimes really harsh to me. It's just his way.He would say mean things about
my career being on stand still,and my past and how utterly negative I was.
We broke up eventually.
However things changed after we broke up,we started acc. getting emotionally closer to each other. To the point that now we are like one person. We understand each other,give each other space,time and love and care. I mean everything is really good now,and we hope for a future. But what I did while I was with him,eats me up.It's giving me sleepless nights. I know him that he would never forgive me for it whatsoever. I'm torn in between losing him forever or keeping it within me all my life. I love him alot. He means alot to me. But he would never ever forgive me. I feel terrible inside of me.
(Somehow at the same time I realized that I was over my ex. I mean though it didn't mean I had forgotten him,it just mean't that I had accepted his absence in my life. I even today maybe it sounds cliche but wish him a happy life.)
Even today I'm not even attracted to anyone else,I don't check out guys or even give attention to anyone even looking at me. I feel naturally committed to him. I always have,but I don't know what made me do that horrible act. I wish there was something I could do.
I regret and hate myself for it. I know myself that I would never ever do something on those lines ever in my life. But what about
whatever I did. Should I tell him and hurt him and end this forever? Or should I keep it in me even if it hurts me and love him and be with him?
How do I stop this?
Please help me. I feel shattered. I don't want to fall back in depression.I feel so weak. I can't sleep or eat. I get breathing attacks.
Please do read forum rules as we are not suppose to talk about self harm. Thank you...
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/25/2010 8:31:38 AM (GMT-6)