I dont like talking about my problems but my boyfriend wants to make me talk to a real doctor, and thats the only thing more scary to me than actually talking to someone.
So here goes... Ill start from as far back as I think it may stem... but I wont go into much detail until I get to the important bits.
So, when I was a little kid, up until I was 5 or 6 I was perfectly happy. I was in a tiny little infants school where everyone was friends with everyone else. My parents were happy, my grandparents were still alive, and my dad used to spend hours on a saturday teaching me about sciencey stuff, or we would play games and stuff, like he could lift me with one arm, while I was standing on his hand.
Then I went to Junior School, and all the friends I had in infants fizzled down to about 4 or 5, which was fine, but everyone else started picking on me. They would avoid touching me, shouting 'Charlotte Germs', and when I sat on the carpet there would be a circle around me where no one wanted to sit. I would ask my mum to make them stop (Everyone else had their parents come into school and complain about anything) and she would just tell me to stop giving them ammo against me and just ignore them. So I gave up asking her for help when I was 7. Both my grandmothers died, and my dad started to change. He wasnt interested in spending time with us anymore, he just came home from work, slept until tea time, watched simpsons with us and then played on his computer until 3am. He rarely had time to teach me after that.
Then I went into secondary school and the bullying got worse. Within 3 months of starting at the new school my parents split up, my friends couldnt be bothered to cheer me up and ditched me and I spent 6 months sitting alone in the school library.
I began to get depressed around then, but only in the winter, and mildly at first (by that I mean I was understandably upset about my parents the first year, and it started again the following year). It just kept repeating and getting worse every year.
When I was 14 I met my friend Hilly through vampire freaks, and she was amazing. She made me feel loads better and we would chat every day. And then after I turned 15 I met Vince through a friends Vampirefreaks page. We started going out and fell in love immediately. Then that winter the depression got worse. It started at Christmas when everything seemed mundane, then I began dreading going back to school, as the bullying had just constantly gotten worse. My friend Hilly then killed herself (not discussing or threatening, just stating facts so I hope Im not breaking the rules) and I think I spiralled downwards from there.
When I get depressed or upset or a memory is painful, I suppress it. I have suppressed most of my childhood memories, and most of the winters that I have been depressed. The year I lost my friend I cannot remember much from january to april. I do not know what happened, my boyfriend has only recently told me that I would stare into space for hours on end, even to the extent that I would stop halfway through a sentance and then continue with it an hour later as if nothing had happened. He was extremely supportive, when I got really really low he would sit by me and just wait for me. He eventually convinced me I needed to go see a doctor, so I made an appointment in secret (Somehow I successfully hid it from my mother, she was too busy internet dating. I did once smile at my dad and he said 'It never reaches your eyes any more' which made me want to cry.) and went to the doctors with me. She wouldnt let him explain, even though I said I dont really see it, he can explain better, and then once I had explained and felt sufficiently stupid for it, she told me I was too young for any of her treatments and that I should just go and speak to my mother, in a way that felt like 'Youre a stupid attention seeking child, go home and cry to your mother' (It wasnt just me, my boyfriend got that impression too). After that I refused to talk to anyone about it.
Then I started sixth form, which I wasnt sure about but I stayed in my school anyway. The bullying in my year group stopped, but some cocky 14 year olds started on me (I got fed up and beat one of them up at one point and almost got kicked out because they claimed I was bullying them.)
My father started seeing someone else (he met someone as soon as he left but I liked her) and immediately started treating her and her daughter (who is at university) as more important. He had slowly been backing away from us over the past 5 years anyway, but suddenly he had decided that he was fine with being our friend but when it came to being our father he ignored us. I only took Chemistry and Physics Alevels so I could discuss it with him but he was never interested. I stopped going to see him every other weekend and he didnt say anything to me. His girlfriend moved into his flat and got rid of the bunk beds, replacing mine and my little brothers stuff with her daughters bedroom furniture. Now when she comes to stay, my brother, who stays every other weekend, cant go over to stay. They moved into a new house last week and her daughter is coming home for a week in the summer so she gets her own room, whereas my brother was told he could stay in the spare room. My brother still hero worships my father despite this treatment. in contrast, my elder brother doesnt have a father, he has an older friend who is ok to get lifts off and go to the pub with when hes not busy. All of this hurts me alot and I scream and cry.
The Christmas just passed, I began to feel depressed again, but not as bad as the year before (when Id gone to the doctor) but I cannot remember anything before april this year. The problem I have now is that it hasnt seemed to have gone away. whenever I get upset I curl up and wish I could die, even if its a small thing thats upset me. I cant control it, Ive never had suicidal tendancys even when I was extremely depressed. I talk to myself too, as if I were explaining my problems to myself in great length and detail. I cant explain how I feel right now because I dont understand it unless Im upset and then I forget afterwards.
I will have my boyfriend add more details when he is here, as he is the only one who understands, better than I do infact. He is amazing and he has stood by me for the past 2 years no matter how much I have yelled at him and tried to leave him when I just wanted to push everyone away.
I dont really know what i want people to say, or even if I want to ask for advice. That took alot for me to write, but when I start going, I find it hard to stop, but then I guess its better than bottling it all up.