Haven't posted much but I've just been having an awful day. Need to vent a little bit.
My boyfriend and I have just recently gotten back together and we are giving our relationship another try.
We promised each other that we would continue to work on our individual issues - my depression and his lack of patience, especially when it comes to me.
For a little background, after almost 9 years together, he decided that he needed some time away from me because he couldn't handle my depression. We reunited last weekend and for the most part, even when we were on the break, we still got along fine and things were progressing in a positive direction.
Well we decided to go ahead and make a large purchase - we were supposed to go in 50/50. He did all the research and finally decided on which one to purchase. We were supposed to put a deposit on it today, but my finances fell through. He became very upset, understandably so, and I felt so bad. However, these days I'm trying so hard to see the positive side of things and told him that we can make the purchase at a later date when we are sure that our finances are in order. That's when things started to get bad - he is very stubborn, as am I, although I'm working on letting the little things go. It's just not worth it to get worked up over little things.
He said that he wasted his time and the seller's time and called himself an idiot. Then went on to say that he will have to tell his older sister what happened. He really respects his sister and always listens to what she says. In fact, it was after talking to her about our relationship that he decided that he needed a break. I asked him what exactly he was going to tell her. He said, "I'm going to tell her that I depended on you (meaning me) and she will think that I'm (meaning him) an idiot."
I said that I didn't think she needed to know all the details of what happened, just that the deal fell through, but he insisted that he needed to tell her. Now maybe it's the depression talking, but it seems to me as if he's throwing me under the bus. He already told her that we were having problems and she suggested that he take a break from our relationship. In my mind, she already has a low opinion of me. Now if he was to tell her this latest development, which I think is really none of her business, I'm afraid that she's going to tell him that I cannot be trusted or depended on and he will again listen to her and once again, our relationship will be broken.
When he told me that he wanted a break he said that it was because I had made him the center of my world and he was uncomfortable with that. I'm now getting help and actually making small steps to focusing on myself. And now that I know what I want out of this relationship, I am extremely angry when he constantly differs to his sister on decisions we are supposed to make as a couple. How is it fair that he doesn't like me to focus too much of my attention on him, while he is almost making his sister the center of our relationship? I understand that she is his older sister and that he respects her, but shouldn't some things between a couple remain between a couple, especially when it comes to finances?
I know we are not married yet, but he has said that he wants to make me his wife someday. I am working so hard to become a better person and it seems as if he has reverted back to his old habits, now that we are back together. He's back to pushing the same buttons and saying the same things that he knows very well will make me upset.
I refuse to let him bring me back to the place that I am trying so hard to move away from. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to feel like staying in bed all day. I'm finally making some progress and I'm afraid he's going to drag me back to where I don't want to be. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I will not allow anyone to drag me back to that hell again, especially over something that seems so simple to solve.
I've asked him again to give it a lot of thought whether he is fully committed to making our relationship work. As much as I love him and as much as I want to have a family with him, I cannot and will not let his stubbornness bring me down again. I'm hoping he will come to his senses and realize that we are good together. But I'm afraid that he's going to say that he no longer wants to be with me. I had a hard time dealing with our temporary break and I'm afraid that I may never recover from a full break-up. We've been together for so long and if he were to throw that all away because of something so simple will just break my heart.
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent. Thank you for reading.