I hear you jaimee. It is a bit of all of the above, some more so than others. When I examine things now though...I do not see a battle to be fought...there is no possible path. I am dealing with problems from so many fronts that it makes my head spin. Stopping to address one only makes the rest scream out more in my mind. Some of them do not have solutions...so it is what it is in some cases.
I don't know if what I am saying is depression talking...or just me finally admitting the truth. I am screwed in so many situations, I try, I seek happiness, I try to find joy in the little things.......but in the end I am crushed and suffering, I feel like I'm suffocating, I know it sounds as if it is just a depression of sorts speaking now, but I do really feel this. I have examined and reexamined myself and my situations...and this is what I feel after doing that. I do feel completely overwhelmed, I AM overwhelmed by such a margin that it is hard to explain. I have also been hurt, I have been hurt by significant others, I have been hurt by family, I have been hurt by friends...I just seem to be incompatible with others because I absolutely will not be who I am not, and that person is outside of normal thought. I know you are all here for me...but without being offending it somewhat feels like having all of your friends and family around you as a truck has you pinned to the concrete, alive at the moment but not after the truck is lifted...it is reassuring to some degree, but you are still crushed by the vehicle...you are still in as serious a situation as before, there are just people to talk to. I am crying my darn eyes out right now, I have no idea what to do, I do not want to see a counselor right now about it, my situation makes that difficult. I am so far beyond depressed that I do not even know where to begin describing it. It is not just a hopeless feeling with no source, there are sources, there are reasons, there has been things in my past to push me to where I am, stress, frustration, loss, lack of confidence, solitude. I feel like I have no more tears to shed, and this is not a passing thing. I feel this every day, every morning, every night, only short distractions can take me away from my pain. I feel like tom hanks in that stupid film about being lost, except that I am actually surrounded by people....just 100% unable to achieve any sort of real communication. The hopelessness he shows in that movie, the utter emptiness and loss, the onset of realizing that you are in the bad situation that you are...I just hope that one day I am rescued in such a way as he is in the movie. I realize what real happiness is for me, I also realize how terribly far from it that I am. I am hopelessly lost in my solitude...what do I do?
I guess I will just try to sleep...if I can...at least in sleep there is a slim chance of having a pleasant dream...so much more than what is reality. Many times though I find myself dreaming of the real situations that plague my mind, I guess even my subconscious realizes that I have no hope and am just a poor drained, alone soul.