Ok here's my story. I worked at a dead end job where I was repeatedly passed over and my boss was a tyrant. i was unhappy, stressed, angry, resentful and hated my job, but this didnt effect me a lot. I was still fairly productive. Around this time i was diagnosed with high blood pressure and i had a couple of odd urinary infections. The doc put me on bp meds and antibiotics.
Maybe a few more years passed and I had lost a lot of my smile. I felt i couldnt be me at work but on the flip side i was studying to be a teacher. that would be my great escape so I thought. I mostly enjoyed teaching. In 2007 i was finally free to pursue teaching. I ended up at a job 100 times worst than the last. kids cussing me out on a daily basis , no support from anyone in administration. it was a nightmare. by the end of that year I felt i was going nuts during summer vacation. i was so tired and had an odd feeling . An un easy feeling. Even thoughts i would irrationally harm myself. This is not me! I blamed it on my bp meds which had been switched. I switched back. things seem to get better.
I didn't want to return to work, but as school got closer i started feeling better and like I could turn things around cause I still liked teaching and wanted to make a difference By the end of year 2 i was so fatigued. i ended up going to emergency in june 2009 for what turned out to be diagnosed as prostatitis. i was also very stressed and low energy still. i decided I could not return to work and made plans to quit and relocate.
Perhaps it was teh stress from making to major sudden life decisions at once , but i was in a parking lot of a mall and experienced a panic attack of some sort. i wanted to lay down in the parking lot. I stayed strong and did my shopping. But I was actually a bit freaked out by the people. This is not me! I had to hum a song under my breath to maintain my control. So on the way home I wasn't driving, but I had thoughts of throwing myself from the car. I guess I have had those thoughts before in the past when I was a teen or whatever. They didn't linger long so I dint think much of it. I think the last time i had a panic attack was probably childhood as well. Maybe I had 1 or 2 or 3. Can only remember one tome on stage I could feel my heart. I just thought it was stage fright.
Anyway unlike in summer 2008 in fall 2009 my anxiety stayed for weeks. And with it i felt depressed at times. I have dealt with days and moments of anxiety and depression sense. i used to have nightmares about
teaching and being a student. then they stopped after a few months. Maybe at the start of 2010 i began feeling better or a little before.
i have been unemployed since september 200 and I have no money. my mom helps me and I am appealing for unemployment. Lately i have been applying to teach again feeling i am ready to return and believing I have found my love for teaching again. But so far no one is hiring me even though i do get interviews. i have started having dreams or nightmares about
teaching again though not as severe. A common dream is I am back in college and I have missed an important assignment and may fail. Another frequent dream is I have to teach a somewhat unruly class, sometimes I am successful, sometimes not.
This week i have felt pretty depressed for the first time since fall 2009. I havent really spoke to my doctor about
all this cause im too poor now to even see my doctor of late. I dont want to be on medication, but I am tired of bouts of depression , anxiety and lack of motivation. My life isnt where i expected it to be or wanted it to be so I do need some changes. It's like I want to do things but i waste so much time or I dont try or think they are important enough. Plus being broke there is very little I can do now. I'm just not motivated liek I used to be, and I dont have the energy. Im sure the prostatitis isnt helping. I seem to have a chronic case. It's like I'm fighting myself in a prolonged wrestling match. Kind of like superman 3. Good clark vs evil clark. I could never see harming myself but I have had some strange scary or crazy thoughts. All this just isn't me. talking about
it here helps.
As I said before I am appealing for unemployment and job hunting, but I am wondering if I should apply for disability for depression /anixety. i don't want to fleece the system, but it would be nice to have some money and then maybe I could use that to start my own biz if no one will hire me. i am also a bit afraid to work for others feeling that if i enter the wrong job again i could experience anxiety.
I dont know what disability pays . Would disability prevent me from ever working again and if i worked would I lose my entire disability? i dont want the meds but I feel I might need the security that disability brings even as limited as it is.
So what do you all think? Should i apply? Am I a real basket case or just your everyday screwball?
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies