I need help...in order to help my husband

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/20/2005 3:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 14 years and I just recently found out in August that he is battling depression. For awhile it sounded like it was me and the kids that was his problem, until I started educating myself on this disease. But, now I'm stuck on what to do next.
His doctor had put him on some medication. It was creating terrible headaches for him and he could not function properly on a daily basis. Since then they have weaned him off of the meds which had just started working a little bit. But now my husband is refusing any other treatments and is talking about killing himself. He just told me last night how easy it would be for him to end it all! What do I do!!!! We have an open relationship and he was talking with me freely until just recently within the past 2 weeks. I am so afraid that he might try to hurt himself...Any suggestions..what do I do? We have 4 boys at home, and I know that there are even picking up that something is wrong with Daddy!! Please help if anyone can, I'm at my wits end!!!! confused

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 1/20/2005 6:48 PM (GMT -6)   
You need to get him help. Was he going to a general doctor before or a psychiatrist? It would be better for him to see a psychiatrist to get on the right meds. If he is threatening to hurt himself, either take him to emergency or call 911 if you have to.
If you can get him to talk to you about it, let him know that he may have just gone to the wrong doctor or might have just been the medicines they tried. They don't always work unfortunately. He may need to try a couple different ones until they find the right one.
I'm so sorry this must be so hard for you. Just stay on him and make sure he gets help one way or another.
Keep us updated,
Terri B

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/20/2005 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks sadgirl2...i just don't know how to get him to go and see another doctor when he is refusing so much. I have been trying to be so understanding, Ive let him know that I wills always be there for him. I have given him nothing other than couarage and love..I have asked him to go to counseling with me so we both can understand this more. I have asked him to go without me, but still nothing. He is so much into to denial. Now that he has mentioned suicide again, I am afraid I'm not going to be able to get the help that is needed in time.

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. thank you.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 1/20/2005 10:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi TK.  I am so sorry that you are going through this depression alongside your husband.  As you are experiencing, depression also affects all the people that you love and are close to.  I'd like to take a second though and commend you first.  Your understanding, love and patience along with your willingness to help your husband are amazing.  My marriage of 13 1/2 years ended in divorce 2 months ago.  While there were also other issues, my former husband could not and would not put the effort you are expending to understand what was happening to me and that it was truly out of my control to manage.  His response to me and to our marriage counselor was simply, "I can't live with her anymore."  Thus, with your situation, as tough as things become please hang in there.  It sounds as if your marriage has had a stable foundation.  And even if it does take awhile to help your husband, when he is able to understand all that you have done, he will love you all the more for it.
However, with that said....right now you also need to take care of yourself! If your husband is not able or willing to go to counseling maybe you should consider going on your own.  This would give you a safe place to vent and receive support and understanding as you have the toughest job right now.  When a person feels as your husband does, he/she is scared of what is and what could happen.  He is also fighting denial of this cannot be "happening to me".  Maybe I just need more time.  Or I had a few good days.  I don't need any help, I'm getting better on my own.  My own personal mantra was 'I don't need/want drugs."  People will think that I am crazy.  It makes me feel even more hopeless.  I don't want to be a zombie.  What will they do to me?  What will the long term effects be??  The list goes on and on.  You husband may not be able to think or reason these items through logically at the moment.  Its a very scary and "stripping" position to be in.
I am sorry that my response is incredibly lengthy.  I just understand the pain that your husband is going through.  I also respect and admire what you have set out to do.  But you do need to take care of yourself and your children.  Do whatever you need to keep yourself mentally and physically stable.  Meet with a counselor on your own and learn whatever coping skills you will all need to get through.  And most of all, I am sure that you will find that there are more good and caring friends out there than you ever thought possible.  Even just one or two close friends who could keep your situation confidential and maybe help with your children. 
Last, I can appreciate your fear and reluctance on how to handle your husband when he talks about ending it all.  When he is like this, it is important and perhaps comforting for him to know that he is not alone.  There are many people who have and are going through the same feelings as he is.  Perhaps you could have a crisis number or a pastors number available when this occurs to see if this intermediate step would work.  Also, if you have health insurance, check on the back of your insurance card.  There should be a 24 hour toll free number that you can call.  Most insurances have a behavioral health company available who can assist you and your husband at any time, especially when he is in crisis.
Again, you are truly a wonderful spouse and person.  Your husband is lucky to have someone so loving and understanding. 
My prayers will be with you.  Please feel free to write to us whenever you need help.  We have all been through this in one form or another and you will find much support here.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 1/21/2005 8:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi TK.......I am so sorry. I hope you wake up today and find things running smoother.
A couple of questions for you:
I know you are probably trying to keep this to yourself, but is there family you could go to? Someone that he would listen to? I feel as the others do, that if he is talking about ending it all, a call to 911 might be the best thing. If someone broke into your home and was trying to hurt him, you would do the same thing. I understand what a hard thing this is for you. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone, and although it is by a board, we are here for you.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 1/22/2005 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi tk.  My husband has been in your position before.  Two years ago I was in a bad place mentally due to physical problems and finally took anti-depressants.  I wasn't able to think logically and didn't want to take drugs for "mental" problems.  Anyway, thanks to the drugs and psychiatrist, I did a 100% turnaround.  Part of depression is that feeling of hopelessness and the negative thinking that things will never be good again.  Perhaps you could tell hubby that you and kids really need him and that he can feel better again.  I pray that he gets the help he needs and you take care of yourself.

God Bless, Softy

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