Hello, this is my first post and first time trying to get support on-line...I'm a 22 year old mother, who works 40hours a week to support my daughter and my long-time boyfriend (yes he is the father) since he has been out of work since my 2 year old was 3 months old. Before I get into my depression nowadays I think some background would be helpful maybe...
I've had depression since I was 13. My first love turned my world upside down when he left. I was no longer the happy, outgoing, smiling girl I once was (my grandmother cries because she says she misses that girl). I started and didn't stop until I was 17 or 18. I was diagnosed with manic depression, anxiety, borderline personality and my mother has bi-polar disorder which is something I think I've inherited but couldn't bear to be diagnosed...I tried medication when I was in my teens and they all made me very suicidal, and now I am trying medication again...but I feel my personality changing, I'm changing and I no longer am happy with anything in my life...except my daughter, but on some days even her face isn't enough to chase away the darkness...and that makes those days worse.
Recently I've gone from a person who dealt with my own problems by pushing them down and helping everyone but myself. I hate my job, I stopped college because it was just too much stress. With my boyfriend out of work, we live with his parents (who have said horrible things about
me and I do not feel at home here, I have no home it feels like), and I struggle financially since I work as a cashier, same job since I was 16 and they refuse to give me advancement opportunities to help support my family better.
I no longer enjoy my old friends and even my feelings in my relationship are starting to unravel. I've been with my boyfriend since we were 14...and he's my best friend. I no longer want to be with someone, I want to be all on my own. Not have to deal with anyone's issues but my own. Breakdowns are more prone, I've had 2 major ones in the past week. My boyfriend tries to help me, he holds me while I cry and tells me that it will be alright...but I feel inside that it won't be and I am afraid of hurting him...but I hurt all the time now and nothing ever seems to get better. I don't seem to get better, no matter how hard I try to stay positive.
Life has given me a lot of strife, but before I could always keep moving...now I have to drag myself to go anywhere. I feel I am broken inside and that it will never be the same... Thank you for any support and advice.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/22/2010 3:32:55 PM (GMT-6)