I know its not love, all though it feels like it but it's an obsession. I'm 38, well it started when I was 32, and this isn't first time I have spent alot of time with a woman and became obsessed with her. After time apart from those two other woman I've obsessed over, the feelings eventually went away after a year or two without any communication with them. Its so weird, I'm friends with women mostly but other than the initial sexual attraction for most of them, I don't really think about them at all so much when they are not around. But with this girl, like the others, there was a moment where I guess you could say I snapped or it unlock something in my head and that moment with her was the day I met her. I was introduced to her and I saw her and I felt body jolt with a startled like behavior, short breath, accelerated heart rate, it was like I was scared. I remember that moment as if it just yesterday, along with the last day we worked together when we hugged our good byes. She embraced me so tight like she really cared for me but not in the way I cared for her. She more than likely doesn't remember it now but for me it was the only time where it was truly just me and her. I was in a europhic state for several days after that.
My therapist and I do not click. When I was referred to him, he was more of a medical therapist so he is good at pescribing medicine but now I know more than ever I need to talk someone else about this. Even writing this first and second post, I cry uncontrollablely. I saw one therapist long before I see this current therapist but I did not like how I acted in that session, I felt hystrical, I had no control over my crying, I could hardly talk and that wasn't even about her. I guess I just put really good mask on when I'm in public. I'm also really uneasy about the note taking part of it, I really worry about my inter most thoughts being used against me at a later date. I'm really not sure of laws that protect therapist/patient confidentially, I think they would be pretty good but then again every thing is political regardless of the law.
Karen - thank you for responding, talking really helps me get through the dark times.