Firstly I came by this site from browsing about
depression due to my current mind set. I will give a bit of history so maybe it makes things a bit clearer.
I am 21 and i've been depressed since I was about
8 or so in all honesty as back then my cousin and uncle who I would see on a very regular basis both died in within a year of each other one to old age the other cystic fybrosis at that time. My uncle died first and after that I would cry myself to sleep most nights and then after my cousin died I was plagued with thoughts such as thinking it would have been better if I had died. I didnt tell anyone about
how I was feeling and I guess from a outward look I was coping fine as I was quite quiet then and would bottle most things up. I would also end up getting in fights a lot and fighting with my brother as he would taunt me to the point of me losing my temper.
After that a few years later I became more quiet and still getting into fights on a regular basis be it with my brother or just other people as I was so quiet when confronted by other people rather than run I would just fight. Dont get the wrong idea I didn't go out looking for fights I was just a quiet person and when someone confronted me I had a hard time controlling my emotions.
By the time I was 10 I had a cat which I spent alot of time with but she later had to be put down as her back legs were failing her, after that it took maybe a few months before it really settled in for me to notice untill just suddenly one day I realised she was gone. I was also raised with the belt & buckle which was pretty much a daily occurence from about
the age of 5 onwards which my brother got as well but I would just take it and keep quiet as lashing out just resulted in more.
From then onwards things with my parents got rough my mother and father fought alot and my mum would drink and they would fight aggresively which went onto early hours in the morning, the fighting happened maybe once every two weeks. My mother would tell me that my father would put a pillow over her head to "shut her up" and that he was sleeping around and which I can confirm when I walked in and he was in bed with a random woman. During that time both me and my brother and sister would be accused of stealing cigarettes, my sister was never physically harmed but me and my brother would be, which involved getting our mouths washed out with soap or fairy liquid or made to smoke a packet as punishment.
By the time i was 13 my mother and father had divorced and my mother have moved out with my sister, I decided to stay at home with my dad and brother which most likely was the worst desicion in my entire life. My brother who is 3 years older than me at that time he did have things ruff with my father as he didnt know when to shut up and always tryed to trigger a fight. From that point on my life consisted of waking up in the morning with him annoying me and the constant comments and I mean CONSTANT fat ba$tard or hey fatty, now I was not fat but that soon changed as I started eating out of boredom and in a attempt to get some sort of comfort or enjoyment. I would only take the comments for so long and I would just lose my temper and he succeded in getting the desired reaction out of me and this usually ended up with me getting be it black eyes or teeth missing or what I now know to be concussions as I didnt realise what they were at the time as feeling confused, lack of balance and generally dizzyness for a few weeks. There would be a fight in the morning and one when he got home then one at night which my father would break up. This went of for 3 years during this time my self asteem was at a all time low I was constantly thinking about
suicide and planning out how to do so, I missed a lot of school as after the fighting in the morning I really just didnt feel like going to school or my clothes were ripped.
In quite a few occasions the next door neighbors had came in during the morning well quite literally barged in to be honest, as they had heard the screams which as they had told my father were "disturbing & horrifying". On quite a few occasions after I would snap and well in all honesty try and kill my brother be it with a knife or try and shoot him and this became quite regular occurence as when I did this I would get a few hours of rest or even a day if I was lucky . I had told my father, mother, gran and papa that I truly did hate him and well wanted him dead as I was depressed and wanted him or myself dead as I couldnt handle it but this was dismissed as I was exagerating. After a period of time of just breaking down when speaking about
it I was taken to see my GP and a appointment with a consolur or something was organised this I never got to as my mother was "busy" shopping. I had also on many occasions phoned the police as the majority of the time this was unsuccesful due to my brother stoping me by ripping the phone out then attacking me further. When the police had appeared it was dismissed as a domestic and my brother would just cry and I was classed as the attacker and unfortunetly in my anger I would end up getting angry while trying to explain it to them but they weren't interested. I am not a aggressive person my temperment towards others from the comments I've had are "saint like" apparently.
I was kicked out from my fathers when I was 16 and few months before that so was my brother for starting a fight with him while driving on the motorway, I moved into my grand mothers but my brother would still appear there and taunt me and all that was ever said to him was " *name* stop it leave him alone" but in the end I couldnt control my temper after so many years with him there was nothing left to temper as it was completely exhausted and I would always come off worse in which I had to be taken to the hospital and get stiches. My grand parents wouldnt be a witness so the police cared naught. My brother moved in with my mother when I was 18 and the verbal abuse he gave me was then cast over to my mother again calling her a fat this or that. My mother had suffered from a few nervous breakdowns and depression along with fybromalgia. I discovered the reasons for her drinking when I was younger was that she had to sell her self because my father's dad (who he worked for) was paying him buttons and my father would rather have my mother do that than challenge his own father about
a raise whilst his brothers were earning more and doing less than he was. Back in Decemeber just gone my mother passed away by taking to many pills and drinking far to much she was a shadow of her former self even for all her faults and mistakes she made I know she loved us and I forgave her for her mistakes as it would only serve to make me bitter.
Though my brother felt it nessecary to make my mothers life a misery as he did mine. During the funeral I didnt cry I felt nothing even when I got the phone call that she was dead at 2 in the morning, my brother on the other had cryed like a child at the funeral in my best guess due to the guilt rather than actual sorrow in my opinion. Now before my mother died my so called brother owed her quite a bit of money and the funeral bill was passed off to my grand parents while I am a student I still gave what I could but my brother didnt while he was working full time he thought it better to spend his money going to mexico etc, he sold my mothers car which he had told everyone was worthless so no one had said anything about
it but I later found out that he did recieve quite a bit for the car. My grand mother constantly defends my brother and make excuses for him. For me after my mother died it was not untill the april that it hit me but for me it was that I missed my mothers council and company, which was lost now. I felt as if I had lost the only person in the world who truely understood me and I was right. My father I rarely speak to and when I do its very short and my answer is always "what do you want" as there is always a catch and I am right (usually computer stuff).
My problem is the things I used to use to deal with my depression dont work any more or I just cant concentrate on them. It used to be gaming and now I can barely focus on one and end up day dreaming where as before I could use it to channel my depression and kinda cast it away and then there was exercising, during my worst years I felt so tired and lathagic especially during the morning and I would find my self staying up till 4/5/6/7 in the morning as I felt better and yet I couldnt sleep as I just could not stop thinking but I couldnt concentrate either.
The past few years I used weight lifting to channel my anger and sadness and I would feel fantastic afterwards and the next day. I had even managed to regain some of my confidence but now I truly have no desire, no drive what so ever for the things I partly enjoyed. Durng the past few years as well I was refused entry to the police force which was always my dream due to my eye sight so that didnt do me any favors then I decided to possibly try for either the army or the RAF but again my eye sight so that was my dream flushed down the drain as well. I am currently still a student at University but I did what I did because I had a goal, a desire that I wanted more than anything and that gave me the drive to get it done with but now I just cant get any motivation no matter what. When I was at college in my first year at the end of the year I failed my final test the first time and afterwards I was so tempted to just walk in front of a bus, though I did pass but for me it really did feel like the end of the world.
I've found myself a lot of the time now just siting my self and just wanting to cry but I dont feel any better when I do, I feel like I want to disappear and at times that maybe i'd be better off dead. That the person I wanted to be proud of me is gone and that there isn't much point any more. I know its not good to think like that and I try not to but at the end of it I just end up putting on a happy face and keeping myself to myself as i've tried to talk about
it but I really dont feel it helps at all. I just wish I could wake up and feel energetic again, feel like todays going to be a good day! That its worth doing but I really don't.
Thats pretty much the short story sorry if its long but I tried to keep it short and not mention relationships with that aswell which has damaged my trust in women.
Im not sure how I should approach my doctor/GP and im unsure about
anti depressants, do they even work? Will they work for me? Or even counciling at that matter :/ I dont fancy getting the well everyone gets down speech as I know that! I've called this off for long enough and now I dont really have much reason to not seek treatment do I?
What can I do? What should I do? As I'm pretty lost/confused/tired and sick of being this way as its holding me back and I know it is, I want to be able to enjoy things to the full not partially not being out with my friends and having these depressing thoughts lingering in my mind! To be able to cry and actually feel better rather than just feeling like its so pointless afterwards.
Post Edited (MC31) : 8/12/2010 9:01:52 PM (GMT-6)