Where do I begin?

Do you think I should leave my husband?
Yes. - 33.3%
No. - 66.7%
Maybe. - 0.0%

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/21/2010 12:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello. I am new here and really need some advice...

Okay so I am 21 years old with a 19 month old daughter and I have been married since March.... There's no reason to give you my life story, unless you want to be bored to death so I will skip to the problems...

Problem # 1

I am obese. Morbid Obese. I am 5'2" : 300 lbs. : BMI = 56
I have been on a diet for week, and I have lost 7lbs so far. I am really trying to go all the way this time (I have been on several diets before) and actually reach my goal of 150 lbs. I am doing everything right and unlike all of my other diets, I have not cheated ONCE. I walk everyday, for 3 mins, 3 times a day (I cant walk more or I feel like Im going to pass out) and I know that its not enough, but for now thats the best I can do. This brings me to my next problem.

Problem # 2

I am a smoker. I have been smoking since I was about 15 years old. Because I am so big, and not very active (havent been active for over 5 years) everytime I try to do anything, even walk to the kitchen, I am out of breath and panting. I have tried to quit smoking before, but my husband is such a heavy smoker that it is nearly impossible. NEARLY. This brings me to my next problem.

Problem # 3

My husband. My husband is lazy, a pig, and jobless. I just described myself there as well, i realize, but the difference between him and I, is I actually am trying to change. I am trying to lose the weight, I am trying to quit smoking, I want to go back to school when I lose enough weight to where I can actually walk back and forth to my classes. My husband plays on his computer all day, smokes 2 packs a day, eats every 30 mins, and hasnt even tried to look for a job since July of '09. Which brings me to the next problem.

Problem # 4

We have no money. We live with my mother who provides everything for us. I did get on food stamps, so that help out with food, but she pays all the bills, buys the ciggs, buys the diapers and wipes, EVERYTHING. My dad passed away in April which adds to everyones depression. Depression which got to me so bad, it produced the next problem.

Problem # 5

I have Trichotillomania. I dont eat my hair, I just pull it out and play with the roots when I am really depressed or upset. Sometimes, even when I am nervous. For some reason it seems to help some. But then I get even more depressed when I realize I am doing it. I cause me to have to shave my head and I have to continue to shave it and every other week because when it gets long enough, I start pulling it again. I am forced to wear wigs.


I think my biggest problem is my husband. I know it sounds weird, but I think that if he goes, alot of problems will go. I wont smoke as much (he lights my ciggs and gives them to me... When hes not right by me lighting them, I smoke about 1/3 less) I will be able to maintain my diet more easily (I wont get the urge to eat more if I dont see him eat every 30 mins) I wont be as upset with the financial situation (one less person for my mom to support). To sum it up, I feel that if I leave him, it will be easier for me to quit smoking and lose weight which will then result in my going back to school to get my degree and having a career which, hopefully, will result in me not being so depressed and end my hair pulling.

I am having a hard time leaving him though. I am so used to him being here with me and I am so scared of being alone that everytime I kick him out, I go right back and pick him up. I DONT want to do that this time. This time I want to stick with him being gone long enough for me to get "unused" to him being here. I can honestly say I dont think I love him as much I think I am just used to him.

I guess what I am wanting from here is support. Courage to leave him and make him stay gone. Please give me your opinions and support me. Please fill me with enough courage. Please.

I am adding a poll, because I have posted somewhere else before and it seems most people just look at the post with out responding. So please, even if you dont respond, please vote on the poll on whether you think I am right and should leave my husband. Maybe that alone will give me enough courage.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long post on my very messed up life.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 8/21/2010 1:30 AM (GMT -6)   
hello and welcome. i want to put this in a nice way so i dont upset you. i think you know what you need to do but you are making excuse not to do it. you want to go back to school well you dont have to lose weight to do that. if you cant go to a school there is online schools. you say you smoke and eat more because of your husband well i see that as no willpower to not do it. just because he smokes doesnt mean you have to. sure it will be hard but when he lights one and hands it to you say no and stick to it. im gonna lose weight and cut out pop and my hubby drinks it but im not letting me stop it. if you dont love your husband then leave him and be done with it. do what you want to do and dont make excuses. but also know we are here for you.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 8/21/2010 9:53 AM (GMT -6)   
I would work on one thing at a time.  The one that is bothering you the most.  Which is probably the weight.  I have been smoke free for three days now, well, this is my third day.  It isn't easy, but my husband is quitting too so that helps.  Start walking, but do it slow.  Don't carry your cigarettes when you go.  Little tricks like that can help you to smoke less and that is good.  But I think quitting smoking and losing weight at the same time is a huge demand on you and will most likely cause you to fail.  So attack one problem at a time. 
You can't blame your husband.  When he lights that cigarette and hands it to you, put it out.  Let him know that you are trying to cut down.
ARe you seeing a counselor?  I am sure that you would be eligable for help with social services for mental health.  See a counselor and get some support.  It is hard to do this alone.  You need support.  You will get that here too.  But professional support would really help you to feel you are not alone. 
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  KNow that we all care about you.
Keep trying, never quit quitting.  Exercise, (such as walking), eating right, drink alot of water.  Love yourself.  These are all good things.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 8/21/2010 10:58 AM (GMT -6)   
This sounds like a situation my sister-in-law is going through right now with her husband. She actually gave her husband an ultimatum (by telling him she wanted a divorce and that she was fed up with how he does NOTHING for her or their daughter).

My suggestion? Give him a ultimatum, and leave for very little time. When you come back, hopefully your husband will have stepped up to the plate and wants to work for your family.
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