Need relationship advice

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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/24/2010 10:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Nice forum, thanks for reading

Here is where I am at (I am at the point where I need to get it off my chest because I can't take the stress anymore)
I am a 30 yr old male who has been seeing a 39 yr old woman for the past three years. I love her, and I feel like I despise her at the same time (which I guess borders on normal). She is a good woman, no doubt, but does come with some baggage, who doesn't? She has three children, all girls, all fathered by her ex-husband of over 11 years. Their marriage broke up because of his blatant infidelity and drug use, both of which he refused to give up. Now he is no longer around, doesn't see the children, and additionally does not provide her with child support.

Our relationship has not been perfect, or obviously I would not be posting here about it's negative effects on my mood and depression situation. We have been opposites since the beginning. I like the Red Sox, she is a Yankees fan, and the list goes on trust me. I still feel that the differences in preference are not what is causing our problems.

I gave up smoking and drinking, both cold-turkey (for me as well) but mostly for her and for the children to make sure that I am around whenever they need me and that I am not shortening my life and doing damage to my body. As an example of one of the problems I have with her:(this part was edited out by moderator, it mentioned an illegal substance) Not much, and not all the time, but she does. I never ONCE mentioned to her that I think she should stop doing it, but she came at me one day saying that she believes I think she should stop because I gave up MY habits and how its not fair for me to feel this way, etc...To which I replied that ideally I would be with someone who would be inspired by the changes I have made by looking myself in the mirror and saying 'no more' and WANT to change because of THOSE feelings, not because of how I feel about HER habit. Make sense? And this is a common theme. She refuses to take responsibility for her own problems and granted, her life has NOT been easy on her, but I don't feel that I should be punished because of her past and because of her own unwillingness and/or inability to deal with her OWN problems. I have talked to her (calmly, yelling, pleading, crying, begging--I have honestly tried them all) about facing her problems instead of taking them out on me (what I mean by this is she will treat me coldly, snap at me, be short with me and blame me without taking responsibility). I have asked her to seek counseling for her problem (which she has not) and I even offered to attend relationship counseling because I want things to get better. When things are going good, they are REALLY good. When things are not so good, however, I always end up feeling terrible about myself and she says that she does too. I just don't know what to do anymore.


Is it wrong for me to want to be with a certain woman that I love and EXPECT her to act as though she cares about how I feel when she acts this way?

I am just so tired of feeling depressed and run-down by her constant BULLcrap. I feel like I have done something wrong. I feel that there is more I should be doing to help her alleviate her stress and pain but I just don't know what else I can do.. I truly feel that I have tried everything. Is there some way that I can get through to her? All I want is to be happy, and to be happy with HER. Has anyone else been through something similar? Any advice out there for a poor hurting soul?

Awaiting replies. Thanks, all.


Post Edited (minch) : 8/25/2010 8:17:17 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 8/25/2010 9:10 AM (GMT -6)   

She may not think that she has a problem. And I think that it would be best discussed with a professional. Get her to go to counseling. That would be the best way for her to go. You may not know what is right for her. And remember, you gave up your habits by choice. Not to make her give up hers. This will come in time, so for now, I think you should just take it one day at a time.

I had to edit your post as we are not allowed to discuss illegal substances on this forum.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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