Posted 8/25/2010 11:07 AM (GMT -7)
I had planned a trip to visit my family in March, and couldn't go because I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. Thinking I was past my depression, I used the plane tickets this past week. I don't really know why I did it, but on my way, I visited my ex. I know that he doesn't love me - he suggested that we be buddies - but I can't get over the rejection. I feel like a terrible person because I know it's not personal and he didn't mean to hurt me, but I feel horrible. I made the mistake of asking him questions like "why not me?" and "if we lived in the same place, would we still be dating?". Stupid. We dated for two years and have been broken up for one. I saw this weekend all the things I hated about him, and I know that deep down he doesn't care about me, but it really hurts to be rejected. Why, after a year, am I feeling so horrible? He said "I wanted to move on. I thought you did too. I want you to sleep with as many guys as you want." He's not a bad person, he's just done and said some not nice things. I feel as if it is a personal attack and that I'm not good enough.
Since coming home from this "vacation", I have shut myself in a dark room and taken medication that I know will make me sleepy just so I don't have to face the pain. I start school in less than a week, and my whole life is a mess. Not wanting to deal with cleaning my room, I have taken over what used to be my sister's room. I'm avoiding everything and everybody and can't stop crying.
I see a counselor and go to group DBT therapy, but feel like it's making it worse. It worries me that the doctor that prescribes my drugs doesn't communicate with my counselor and vice-versa. All they know about my medical history is what I've told them - and who knows how reliable that is? I met with a psychiatrist once that would see me and prescribe my drugs, but seeing him would mean letting down the counselor and the group that I have committed myself to. Why is this so difficult?!
I'm anxious, depressed, and lethargic. Logically, I know that I need to get up and shower and run errands and get ready for school, but I can't make myself do it. This boy stayed with me for two whole years, took me to the doctor's, monitored my depression, helped me with my schoolwork, took me to the hospital, put up with all my baggage... I just assumed he was in for the long haul. Various family members have told me that he wasn't right for me, or that "he was a sprinter, not a marathon runner", but I just keep crying. I keep replaying what I did wrong in my head. If I had put more effort into my appearance, would he have liked me more? Would have stayed with me? He broke up with me when he graduated from college and I was entering my senior year. He told me this past weekend that it was because "honestly, I didn't want to be tied down to any one place" and that he "didn't want to be with anyone" but that he could also see how I could "take that personally." It hurts even more that he hasn't had another girlfriend since me. It wasn't even like "oh, I left you because I was in love with someone else" - he just wasn't in love with me. What's wrong with me? Why do I care so much? I feel so confused, and hurt. I feel ugly and undesirable and like I have nothing to contribute to the world.
I don't want to worry my parents, because I know they're trying to help but I don't know what to do. I've removed this guy from my social networking site, blocked his e-mails and removed him from my phone, but it only made me want to contact him more. I know his address and memorized his phone number (so yes, deleting it was totally pointless), and I just have all this time on my hands where I want to call him and apologize and I don't know why. Everyone in my life before him loved me unconditionally, and I thought he did too. The break-up was a shock, but it was in May 2009. He's moved on. He only wants me as a hook-up buddy and I stupidly accepted. I didn't have the guts to not accept his phone calls this past weekend, and I feel awful. I don't like the way I left things. I'm not a mean person - why doesn't he love me? I thought that visiting him would make me feel better - I don't know why - and now I have never been this self-destructive, out of control or depressed.
I can't tell my parents about it, because they told me not to see him. They said to avoid him, but that is obviously way easier said than done. If I'm good enough to have sex with, then why am I not good enough to date? His answer was "I think we're dealing with the differences between the male and female psyches here." Crappy answer. He just wants me for sex, and I want him back. The last thing I said to him on the phone yesterday was "we'll talk later?" and there was a silence. Then we said goodbye and I just started crying (at the airport) and haven't stopped since. Everyone says there will be other men in my life, but I don't want another man. I just want him to love me again. I feel like a stupid teenager (I'm 23) - like I can't just let it go. I've gotten over other (less serious) boys in the past, and there have been boys that liked me that I didn't like, so I should, logically, just accept that he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend. I wasn't good enough for a long-distance relationship; I'm only good for being a buddy. I'm a smart person, but against the advice of my entire family, I hooked up with him anyway.
On vacation, I met up with a guy that had been a platonic friend who I talked to occasionally on the phone. He ended up spending the night. We slept together, but didn't have sex because he's a virgin. It made me realize that there really are nice, genuine, guys in the world that want more than just sex; the only problem is that this nice guy lives 3,000 miles away (or whatever the distance between the two coasts is). When I left, he hugged me and told me he wished I lived in the same town. It was after this that I hooked up with my ex - which I swore to myself I wouldn't do - and I feel like I can't tell anyone anything. I don't want to disappoint the guy I met up with over vacation, and - on some messed up level - I want my ex to feel like he's the only person I care about. That doesn't even sound right when I write it down, but that's kind of how I feel. I have this delusion that even though he moved away he still wants me. He told me in so many words that he doesn't. He just thought it would be fun to have a one night stand. I know deep down that it didn't even matter that it was me that he was sleeping with. All that mattered was he was getting sex. I feel dirty, and used, confused, sad, rejected. Mostly rejected. I'm on a lot of meds, and when I tried to kill myself it was on Valentine's day - because of my ex. What part of my brain is so masochistic that I can't just let it go? He has a job, an apartment, and a life. I live with my parents, am debating whether or not my decision to get my Master's was a good one, and cry 24/7 about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I have no one to talk to; I hate my counselor. Everything I do feels like a waste of time, money, etc. ... I have never felt so out of control.
If "time heals all wounds", then why am I still so delusional and stalkerish after a year? It's been a year! He clearly doesn't care about me even as a friend or a person and couldn't care less about what happens to me or how I'm feeling. I don't know what I thought I would get out of seeing him. Did I think that he would magically take me back? If I were my friend, I would tell myself that I was being stupid. It's so easy to say things like "there will be other guys" but I can't make myself believe it and in the meantime I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I literally can't get out of bed - I'm on a laptop - and my favorite foods don't make me happy anymore.
My aunt asked me the other day "what makes you happy?" and I broke down crying because I realized that there isn't anything. I watch too much TV, don't read enough, I don't like sports, and I have no friends. I feel dead inside. I can't change the past, but I don't know how to deal with the future. It is so easy to just break down and write my ex a letter or call him or whatever; I know it wouldn't do any good - it would probably make things worse or weirder - but I can't forget him. I can't not think of him. For any Twilight fans out there, I feel torn - on some level I know that even though I love Jacob (ironically my ex's name), there are Edwards out there. The guy I met while on vacation was clearly just a short lived thing too because he lives across the country, but he was just so genuinely sweet. I'm hung up on that too. Why can't someone here love me? Why can't I get out of bed? What is wrong with me?!