Hi there some stuff about
me is, I'm 17 and a senior in highschool. I go to the career center for half my school day in theater so I can do acting. Mainly because I want to be an actress when I'm older. I love music, video games, and being on the computer.
Ever since I can remember, or at the very least since middle school, I've been shy. I'm slightly less shy with friends but still I'm pretty much all in all shy. I think thats part of the reason I like acting and wanting to be an actress, so I can play someone completely opposite of myself. That's the big reason I tried out for Theater at the career center. I am looking to go to college.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed but I do know that I don't like myself. I have pretty much no self-confidence/self-esteem. I mean don't get me wrong I do have small moments, like when I do a monologue in class and it goes well, but I feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Like one minute I could be happy and laughing with a friend and they could say something really small and meaningless but it hits me so hard and the next minute I'm mad/upset and I just clam up and stop talking. I've sorta/kinda talked to a few friends a little about
how I'm feeling but I don't think they fully understand what I'm going through. Except maybe my one friend, I actually found out recently she's depressed and goes to see a therapist. After I found that out I kind of told her more about
how I feel so she's probably the one who relates most to me.
I don't talk to my family because they just don't really get it. My dad puts me down all the time. Like saying 'eww' when me or my brother walk into a room and he ALWAYS is calling me fat even though I'm like around 5'4 and somewhere around 100 or so pounds. And even knowing I'm not that big it hurts a lot and no matter how many times I express that I hate their way of 'kidding around' they, or well mostly he, doesn't seem to ever get it. My dads an alcoholic currently on probation wearing one of them monitors to make sure he doesn't drink. He's not on house arrest though, thank god. So I really didn't like him much in the first place but all the put downs put it over the top. He's emotionally abusive, and when he was drunk he was both emotional, and a tad bit of physically abusive. Like being forced to watch a movie that we didn't like or already seen and didn't like. That's why I now hate the saying 'give it a chance.'
Being at school I keep everything bottled up and I'm super quiet because of my shyness. I'm afraid of confrontation and I think I'm terrified of speaking my mind and what I think about
stuff because I'm always worried about
what others think. This and being shy make me hate myself because I hate that I'm so reserved and to myself. Even in my BBTC ,black box theater company, or BB for short, I'm quite. Except for when we're working on monologues or scenes or something. Whenever we take a small brake I hardly ever talk, mainly I do when someone talks to me first. That place is where I feel like I most belong but at the same time I feel like a complete outsider and I don't know what to do with that feeling. Just about
everyone in there is nice but I feel like they don't want me to talk to them so like I end up sitting there waiting for people to talk to me first. Which doing that makes me feel super bad about
myself like I'm not worth someones time or energy. I think this and being shy is the reason why I've never had a boyfriend. I've thought numerous times about
but I never have because I'm too afraid to. For the most part I'm glad about
that but when I'm feeling bad I hate myself for being scared. It's like even on a good day my day is only 'okay' and I just don't know how much more I can take. I promised myself I wouldn't cry during school at BB but I ended up doing just that yesterday.
We are not allowed to discuss self harm here on the forum. Thank you for understanding.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/28/2010 12:00:27 PM (GMT-6)