Posted 9/2/2010 11:37 PM (GMT -6)
I am a twentytwo year-old Vietnamese girl. I came here when I was about ten. I don't have much friends growing up because most of my friends were back in Vietnam. I went to school, people made fun of me for my size and the way I talked. I hated to talk to people, I hated talking PERIOD. Until about High School, I met this one girl online and she introduced me to her friend who I thought cared about me a lot. He was the first one to say "I love you" to me all my life, and that when I was fifteen. I believed him, but turned out. I was just a topic for his "fun." I was so sad for the longest time, then another guy who I never met told me he admired me and wanted to meet me. On my sixteen birthday, I invited him to my birthday party because I thought okay this would be a great way to meet one another. When he came, he couldn't even get his hands or eyes off my friend from school even though he told me over and over again that he liked me more than anything.
Since then, I stopped talking to people altogether. Not a single soul. I feel like everyone is playing with my emotion and once again I am nothing but a game for them to play. Soon after, a guy who is still my friend now...at least i hope. Came along, he didn't judge me. He truly cared about me, but again. I've never met him. I think I was afraid that when I do meet people, things will turn out bad. So I just felt more comfortable talking on the phone. He told me he only wanted to make me happy, and I thought this is just couldn't be real. I ignored it and moved on with my life. He then found a girl who he was and still madly in love with. But things got bad between them. I always cared about him, but until I met him. I knew I wanted to be with him for the longest time. It's not because of his looks but he thinks that's the reason I liked him. He was just so caring. We started dating back in 2005. I am still with him now but he never considered me as his girlfriend for the last 5 years. During our 5 years relationship, he went behind my back and having a relationship with that girl again. I cried so much and wanted to let go, but every time he convinced me that they're only JUST friends. I believed him...Our relationship got a little better after that point. However, I came by his house one time and he pushed me out. Telling me that the girl is inside, he name is traci. I remember exactly what he said to me: "Traci is here, I will talk to you later." I cried and ran out in the rain. He texted me later and asked to explain. I forgave him that time. But until 2007. I found out I was pregnant, so I told him. He was saying all the stuff about ruining my future and such and how he's such a bad guy for doing this to me. When he was on vacation, I went to get an abortion and still kills me up till this point.
After that, something in him changed a lot, then I got an AIM message from traci, she told me they have been together since 2006, and that they slept together. Tears just ran down my face. Over and over I tried to cut my wrists so that I don't have to feel anything inside. I came to see him and told him that I am leaving him because clearly he has someone who he loved a lot more. I stopped seeing him for the whole summer, then school started again. I tried to move on...so I went to clubs and bars with my friends just so I don't have to think. He made me feel guilty because he would call me or text me that I am making him feel that I went out and he worried about me. So I stopped everything and just stayed in my room without talking to people. Then he wanted to see me. I decided I should. When he saw me, he kissed me tenderly and apologized. And told me how all he wanted to do was to make happy. He told me he wanted to be with me. SO i took him back...even though I was talking to someone, but I let that person go to be with him. Every time I spent a night at his place, Traci would call...whether it is 5 am or 2 am. She would just call to call. I felt like not this again, so I didn't want to bother telling him how much that hurt me. I just started to distant myself.
The relationship just gotten worst and worst because I didn't trust him. and he always look on my fb seeing pictures of me and my friends and he would start something. One night before my big exam, he accused me of lying to him so I went to his place and told him i don't want to do this anymore. He immediately cut his wrist. it was so big...I cried so much and I was so scared. So I decided to stay with him just to keep him safe even I knew he might still with Traci.
Until his birthday 2009, I came surprised him with a cake, but he was upset with me and told me how he wanted to spend it alone. But I knew he was waiting for her to call him because his phone went off. Because I was sitting there crying he didn't pick up. SO finally I told him this can't be happening again, I am so drained and I could only be his friends. Found out it was true, he was only considered me his friends even though I have done everything for him. From buying him a TV to pay for his books and clothes. So I didn't talk to him until new year's 2010. He called me and told me he wanted to die....
Finally, he told me the whole story, Traci went to NC and cheated on him. He said he's sorry for hurting me so bad because of her. I told him I will be there for him as much as I can. I will be there and I did just that. Since then I've been there for him, but he's still depressed about the whole situation and he blamed me for it even though he doesn't say it. Its making me deppressed more and more because I am still doing everything for him, but every time I spent time with him he would say "i feel like i'm wasting my day off" or it doesn't matter and no one cares. It rips me up inside because I've been trying very hard. I don't know how to talk to him. I just don't know. It gets to me so much, and the past few months ive been crying myself to sleep every night. I just recently been accepted into Northeastern for school, I wanted to tell him the news, but he started again with me saying how he can't talk to me and that I don't understand him. I finally told him my acceptance on wednesday, and he still said "i feel like I wasted my day." It hurts me so much to know that he isn't happy with me because he only dwell in that girl. I wanted to let go but I don't know. he never considered having a reltionship with me. And he told her that just a few weeks ago that he just won't go out with me. But why is he hiding and lying to me. I feel like my life is so miserable that I don't even want to talk to anyone. and deep down inside i know he blames me for what happened but I haven't done anything to make her cheated on him. However, I feel extremely guilty, and now every night. won't help. I just don't know what else I can do in order to help him and myself since I can't even talk to him without crying or without him yelling just judging me. am I wrong for wanting to let go? or am i wrong for wanting to stay just to keep him safe. I don't know anymore. But i think the only way to solve this is for me to die. It is what I wanted the most.