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total recluse due to my stupidity-not realizing verbal abuse & alcoholsm was taking me and I don't d

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Posted 1/31/2005 2:09 PM (GMT -7)
I am new to this.I have searched for help;calling out to the monitor screen to help me.Understand my problem; but am frozen in panic;lost as to direction,and do not have not a single human on this planet to help me.Please understand I have tried; but therapy did not help(could not take meds) me find hope; did help point out to get out of my marriage.That was 2 years ago.It is spiraling down so fast.I am a perfectionist;always wanted to do everything right;and kept myself looking very attractive.I am so sad right now, I am having problems wording what I feel, but my husband is an alcoholic;verbally abusive, and I want to leave.I have the freedom to leave; yet I'm here.I could leave;why am I here.Why has a once very attractive person not bathed, washed hair, brushed teethin 12 days?Last night I was feeling I would take back my life; this morning  and now;I am frozen in panic.I have checked all support groups; written to tv stations etc. asking for a "find a friend" information.Just someone who cares.I got negative feedback.I am using the word"I" and feel guilty about that.But, it's the only word I know to use right now.I am trying to make consults to correct cosmetic surgery gone wrong; yet I am not even washing myself.my once hyper self is dead.I feel I am just breathing.I am ashamed to be so weak;stupid.Why am I frozen and sitting here with white teeth that are not being brushed.Alcoholic husband promised he would stop drinking; and has for 10 days.But, he waited until he almost went physically abusive to do that.I was at one of my lowest points when he said he would stop; he has stopped, but he has lied to me so much, and even if he did stop,there are too may bad things he has done for me to want to be with him.Why did I become his helper?I need help; and I pray constantly for guidance,hope, a light to direct me to life.Please help me.I am so sad and so alone.Please help!
Posted 1/31/2005 9:00 PM (GMT -7)
please help me.I aam sliding way too fast
almost gone
Posted 2/1/2005 8:18 AM (GMT -7)
almost gone,

 

I have been where you are. You get so low that you need someone to throw you a life saver. Have you tried calling battered womens? They may be able to help you. Also, you need a therapist. It sounds like you did not have a good match. Having gone through this for so long - I left my first husband, alchoholic, drug abuser, physical and verbally abusive. It took realizing that I had a 50/50 chance of living and wanting to keep my daughter to leave. I went to a battered womens shelter for a couple months. They protected me. Helped me get back on my feet and had counceling and resources as well. This is there business. They understand what you are going through.

 

My problem as I think yours might be as well is very low self esteem. I would guess that you had low self esteem when you met this guy and now with his constant criticism it is at an all time low. There is help out there. I know how hard it is. Some people don't understand, but I do. You need to find the right person to help. Please don't give up. Your life is too precious for that. You don't want to waste it in that environment. What would you like to do if you left? What could freedom allow you?

 

Please write back and let me know how you are doing. I care.  cool   :-)

 

Terri

 

Posted 2/1/2005 1:30 PM (GMT -7)

Hi, you need to know you are not alone in this.  I too used to be a very pretty lady.  I have let myself go to the point that I am ashamed to go out in public.  I'm afraid I will embarass my family.  My husband is an alcoholic but quit drinking 5 years ago. 

I think in your reaching out you have come to the decision to change something about yourself.  Sometimes it takes hitting the bottom before you can truely begin the slow climb up.  Like you I am a recluse but just this morning decided I could not take any more, which sounds like you are at that point as well.  Today I forced myself to take a much needed shower - first in a week.  For me that is my first step.  You need to decide what you want your first step to be and decide that you are going to make yourself do it - then go through with it.

I would love to chat with you.  Let me know when you are going to be on the computer and I'll make sure I am too.  You will find you have alot of support here, all you have to do is keep posting.  Mabey this is your first step - asking for help.  It's a start just don't stop.

Big Hugs

I really do care

Phyllis

Posted 2/2/2005 6:15 AM (GMT -7)
welcome almost, you'll find lots of support here hun. Just hang in there and give us a chance. We can't do things for ya but we sure can give ya our opinions and advice. As well as share our experiences with ya. You're certainly not alone.

~Tina~
Posted 2/3/2005 2:53 PM (GMT -7)
I am not sure how to post the replies to each of you; but I thank you.It is a place I must tell you I haven't gotten out of bed since I posted.I fear looking in the mirror;I am just a dead person that happens to be breathing.If anyone can understand, I have absolutely no one to go to.That last statement is one I could not seen to get across to anyone. The only humans I have spoken(face to face) to in 7 years are doctors, The battered women's shelter is not an option; a my husband is connected.I tried the community mental health services; but was decided I could afford to pay!It is so overwhelming to explain  the processes and depths I have been through.I am frozen in panic and want to vanish.For the first time; I am no longer paying the bills-something which seemed so easy at one time is insurmountable.This is frightening; as I know intellectually I must keep my perfect credit.Yet, I have just enough light on to type this before the husband gets home.I find myself wanting to just run & run & run.I don't know where to run.I am up to 3 weeks without a bath,teeth brushed(i was so recise about grooming and on the day or 2 out of this time, I will see myself and realize I am pretty.I have gone to avoiding mirrors, as I fear what I see(as many times I didn't know who the face was looking at me)I have managed many comebacks in past and things would be fine for a few weeks; this time I can't find the inner strenght to comeback.I believe I know I will taje care if things; he'll be nice a few days; and the cycle repeates.Maybe thats what is holding me back.I try to think; but it may be illogical.

 As for self esteem; I actually was a performer and a (beauty queen-I never thought  beautiful; but it got me a scholarship.)I had hoped at one point with therapist and psychiatrist; maybe I had BDD.But, my therapist says and had me go through my life; I was a pleaser;wanted everyone to like me.I enjoyed dancing and became bored quickly; but my mother wasn't good to me and my father was an alcoholic(binge type).I need help;I am so dirty I can't go on like this.I wish an angel would scoop me up and send me to a beautiful place where I could start all over again.

Another thing that hurts; my parents ; since 1987 have not tried to contact me.I wrote them. I guess that in itself could account for depression.But, my husband and his mother; who I was with at the time; helped me write the letter.Kinda simply put by therapists; I allowed myself to be manupulated and brainwashed.

If anyone knows of a getaway for people like me, help me.I am to the bottom;and hoping this goes to right people who cared enough to respond,I am having trouble concentrating; but read privacy.I haven't learned posting yet.Please help me.PLease help me!

almost gone

Posted 2/3/2005 3:35 PM (GMT -7)
Almost gone,

I wish I could pick you up and take you away from all this. I know how horrible it can be. I got to a point where I just wanted to take off and run, and run and run. I know the feeling. And as for the good days and bad I know about that too. After really bad nights, my husband would take me to the same pizza place every time while he told me how sorry he was and it wouldn't happen again. That didn't happen too often.

This is getting difficult where I don't know how to help. There has got to be an answer. Don't give up. Hang on to whatever part of you is left. I was almost gone by the time I got out. I just happened to find someone who could drive me away to another city far away to get help. I was ready to give up. What was funny is that more people knew something was going on at home than I had any idea about. I found out months after I left.

So please keep asking for help. Don't give up. Someone will figure out a way to help you. Your job is to just hang on to the hope and keep talking to us.

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