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Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 9/16/2010 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, things have finally gotten so desperate that I decided to give counseling another go-round. But now I am just terrified beyond belief of going. I feel sick to my stomach & can't stop crying.

There's no predicting what they will say or whether they will make it better or worse and I hate the not-knowing more than everything else. I am just so terrified. And I only have another 3 weeks or so of insurance anyways. I pretty much think my life is now beyond repair. Thank God that at least this nightmare temp job is finally ending. I'm just so sick of all the lies. Besides lying people being stressful in & of themselves it just brings up everything from when I was growing up and everything was always lies. And I had to pretend to be okay with that.

I just feel so sick from the stress & I'm barely sleeping at all. I try to be good and still send out resumes & I think there may be some promising opportunities, but that doesn't counter all these awful feelings I've gotten. I wish I could just click my heels and magically be somewhere better than my life right now. I can't afford to fall apart. I can't. So I know I need help; I'm just scared that the counselor will make things worse & where will I be then?

And heaven help me if they demand I take psych meds. I don't tolerate meds well. They keep telling me to stay on them & up the dose and all I ever do is get worse. I wish there was some way of knowing who's going to say what ahead of time. I asked the last psych I saw & all she did was lie to me and tell me I didn't need to be on meds to see her. And then she just decides that she won't agree to see me if I don't go on meds (even though she couldn't prescribe & my PCP said it was a bad idea).

So I keep going back & forth between wanting to give up and wanting to try to get it together. I'm beginning to really regret having call the psychologist. She'll probably just be trouble. oh god, what am i going to do?

getting by
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   Posted 9/16/2010 11:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

Do go to counseling, it can't hurt. If you don't like what they say, then don't go back. It will only be time wasted if it doesn't work out. I know that you want to feel better. So give it a try.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/16/2010 12:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen. I am going to try it, but it actually has hurt in the past. I get overwhelmed sometimes by the things the counselors say & end up deciding I can take it anymore. I'm scared of them anyways b/c my very first experience with a counselor was mandated family counseling for my brother. The counselor knew that my brother violently beat my sister & me, but he told us that our brother wanted us to be home more so we should not always be trying to find ways to join more activities and get out of the house. He saw that I was covered in bruises, welts & cuts and still said that. I cursed the guy out & refused to comply. My sister agreed to follow his advice and ended up repeatedly in the ER. The one time they actually thought she wouldn't even survive. The pediatrician got us to go live with gma for a while, but eventually had to go back to that horrible home.

I ended up seeing the moron counselor later at a charity event & he asked how things were. Yeah. Couldn't believe it. He thought that because my bro had a very high IQ, that meant he could figure out what was best for him on his own & wouldn't be violent. All it really meant was that my bro was smart enough to trick the dimwitted counselor.

So I don't trust counselors to begin with. But then there are some of the ones that I've seen on my own who all they want to hear about are all the gory details of my younger days. Even when I tell them that I can't handle spending an hour talking about that stuff, some of them press on. Even when I tell them I am feeling 99.9% overwhelmed and need a break, they refuse to back down. One of them told me I needed to quit my pain meds -- which was a bad idea. Three of them told me that I needed psych meds even though I have a record of serotonin syndrome, which can be life threatening. And a couple of them were too dumb to follow what I was trying to tell them which was just unbelievably frustrating (though at least that's something I can avoid by choosing people with a PhD).

So I've only really had one really good counselor (well, 2 if you count the one art therapist guy I worked with for a week in the hospital). The odds are not in my favor. I don't want to die but I've barely sleep and am half out of my mind. And I really truly am terrified that this new lady might push me over the edge & I'll attempt again even though that was the most horrible day of my life the last time I did that. I want to get better, but I need to stay alive long enough for that to happen. No one is going to cure me in a visit so somehow I need not to be totally crushed by the session that I give up on everything.

And I'm just so scared that will happen. cry

getting by
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   Posted 9/16/2010 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow Frances,

What are the odds that you would get so many bad counselors. I have only had a couple of bad ones. One scared the crap out of me and the other was a pervert. But other than that, I have had good ones. Mostly women, but one man. They end up becomming my lifeline. I hope that you find one that is good. And I know that you wont have them for a long time either. I just want things to work out for you. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/16/2010 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen. I think most of them weren't horrible. There were a couple who were just plain awful.

But the dumb ones, it's not their fault. I know my mind tends to move quickly even when I'm totally happy and healthy and I make connections that others don't readily see. I just struggle to be patient when I'm upset. But at least they tried.

The ones who insisted on psych meds were just really naive. Serotonin Syndrome is so, so rare. Most people have never seen a case. I'm not sure why they couldn't take my word for it or my PCP's word for it.

But I do seem to have found a number of awful ones. I had one who told me I was a sociopath based on some rorschawk tests. I had one who's since lost her license who told me I was possessed by 2 demons. She used to attend my church but when the leaders found out about her they banned her from the church.

idk how I find these people. I have pretty crappy mental health insurance. They pay almost nothing so maybe that's partly why. The good ones maybe aren't willing to accept such little pay. I've been lucky in other areas of my life, though. I got dx'ed with Chiari by the very first neurologist I saw. And I found a good pain specialist in only 2 tries. So maybe my turn for misery comes from the mental health professionals search. It's just tough when I'm already feeling so awful to be scared that the person I reach out to for help might be worse than nothing.

Maybe the 20th time is the charm, though. I sure wish so.

getting by
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   Posted 9/16/2010 2:28 PM (GMT -6)   
At least you are keeping your witts about you Frances. And a good sense of humor. I am sure the process can be very frustrating to say the least. When you are suffering and not thinking right, the last thing you need is a bad therapist. I can't believe that one thought that you had two demons in you. That must of been scarey in itself. I am glad that the church banned her. It makes you feel bad though, she is the one that needs some help. And to have so much power. I hope that none of them ever took advantage of that. As we tend to trust in them. And put all of our faith in them. Frances, you could be a good social worker. Have you ever thought of that? I was told that myself, but never persued it. That was years ago. It would be so cool if you could go to college and become one. You are young enough to take the time to do that. Think about it. There are so many grants out there. That would be so cool, but I imagine that it is taxing on the mind.

I hope that your day gets better for you.

I have a dog that wants out.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 9/16/2010 7:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,
I am sorry you have had such bad luck with your counselors. It is hard for me to fathom. The therapist I see is the one I have had since the 1980s and she is wonderful.
She lets me lead the conversation and I tell her what I need help with. She is very kind and gentle. She has saved my life. She is a therapist with the LSCW afte her name which has
 to do with her training and degrees. She cannot prescribe any meds. I get my meds from a psychiatrist who is OK, we talk a bit but I only see her every six months. And the last time when I was feeling so low she wanted me to add a second a/d med and I told
her no, that I was too afraid to take that med so she didn't pursue it. And I am fine on the med I have been taking. My therapist is with a family service agency and they seem to be the best because they have specific requirements for their agency. They are funded by the United Way so they have to follow strict guidelines on who is hired. My
younger son saw a therapist at a different family agency and he had a wonderful therapist. This was during the time of the break up of his engagement. He also found the counseling very helpful and no meds were even discussed. My older son was at a program this summer for living skills but he also had therapists and both were wonderful. He was at a program in FL. Both the therapists called me weekly to let me know of his progress and they were as wonderful and kind as could be. I know that anyone can hang up a shingle and pronounce themselves a therapist. It takes the right agency and some good recommendations. I am sure there is someone out there at a good agency who can help you. You have to try to find a family service agency that has funding from something like the United Way. Also my agency has a sliding fee schedule. I only pay $10 a session. So I am confused about why you are having such a hard time finding someone who is the right kind of help for you. I also once used CBT which did help at the time and that man was very kind and didn't want to hash up all of my past. I am just telling you this because I don't want you to give up hope in finding a good therapist. I know that you live in IL as well as I do. I live in the suburbs north of the city. I'm not sure what area you are in or if you are even within a reasonable distance of the city but most areas do have sponsored theraputic agencies. I hope I have helped some in letting you know the experience I have had. Also if you are near a big hospital, especially a teaching hospital, they have referral services. I truly wish you the best. It pains me to hear of you suffering so.
 
Many hugs,
 
Aurora

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 9/16/2010 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,
Thanks. I used to volunteer at a youth crisis call center. I really liked that but listened to my idiot family & gave it up for a while and now I would have to go through more hours of training than I really have time for. But I did like it. I would never want to work as a regular counselor/social worker. I like seeing someone through the worst & then sending them on to someone else. Kinda messed up, I guess. but it takes all kinds, right? Not all counselors can be available 24/7 and not everyone knows how to connect with someone.

Thanks, Aurora. I've got an appointment out in the suburbs tonight so we'll see how it goes. I talked to the lady briefly and at least she's not dumb. So now I just have to hope that she can actually help me in 4 sessions. I do learn quickly so if I can find the right person to help me sort through all of this stuff then it could work. Just no time for small talk or dredging up things I've mostly already dealt with. Crossing my fingers that it will work out this time. If you're not too close to WI, I might take you up on sending me the name of your counselor if this lady doesn't work out. Stupid MH insurer. I sure wish they paid their providers more.

have a good night, i'm off to the appointment now,
frances

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20227
   Posted 9/16/2010 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
wishing you well frances. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

erie2494
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Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/16/2010 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
You should go to counseling. I have been to counseling since I was 7. It takes a while to find the right person but when you do, it helps SO much. Meds are not that bad. I have been on 2 different pills and they really help. Don't not do it because you are worried about what others may think of you. You have to learn not to care and just do it because you know it's good for you. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/17/2010 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks all for your support.

The counselor was totally useless. All she would say is that I need to pull myself together & not be so stressed out all the time. No duh. That's why I went to get help. I told her that I already knew that but I was just having a harder & harder time every day trying to keep myself pulled together. She told me to just try harder. So I guess I just suck at everything and there's no hope because I can barely function. I now spend almost all my time and energy just trying to keep from thinking about wanting to die. I can't work. I can't focus enough to do anything fun. All I do when I'm with my friends is cry. And I don't know how to get better. I just don't know how to do it. I try and I try. I am up nearly all night trying to find a way to get better.

She told me to just ignore those thoughts. And I've tried that but every time I do I get through my day and then feel so completely horrible at night that I start planning out awful, awful things.

I don't have money to go to the hospital & I doubt it would help anyways. They don't let you have pain meds in the hospital and trying to get better when I have the most awful headache and can barely sit up and can't get even a minute of sleep is completely impossible. It just can't be done. So you lie to get out of there and end up worse of than before.

I guess I'm just not fix-able. I keep hoping that's not true, but it seems to be the case. Nothing is helping and I am being crushed by the pressure.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42495
   Posted 9/17/2010 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
You are not unfixable Frances,

You are just going through a really rough time. Did you let her know all that was going on with the house and your work? Is she that shallow that she doesn't realize you need help coping with everything. Check out the depression resources and see if there is anything there. There is always moodgym, that would probably help you more than she did. I am so sorry that you got another sucky therapist.

Keep posting hon, Know that everybody here cares about you. Are you going to check out Aurora's doc? That might help, if you can see them.

Know that we all are thinking of you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

MMMNAVY
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 9/17/2010 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Ok that was not a good counselor, that was a counselor taught in the school of thought 8-16 weeks and this will be better, which is BS. You might want to think about find one who is actually helpful and realizes that this might be years long process. It takes time and alot of trial and error to find only who will actually help you facilitate growth. Good counselors at you level of distress only give you one thing to work on, and sometimes that is just breathing.

I realize this might also be a life long issue, but I am thinking there is something more to this being stuff piling one on top of another which makes one more vernerable to ther other stuff.

I am sorry, but think about how long it took for you to get to this point, and that is not something that is going to be fixed in a couple of weeks time.
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All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 9/17/2010 12:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Frances,
I have a couple of suggestions for you that may be of help. To answer your questions,
I live a good hour plus from the WI border. I live approximately 15-18 miles north of the city. First of all what county are you a resident of? If you live in Cook County there is a
free prescription discount card available through the county. It is a help. I think they give you about a 20% discount on medications. The number to find out about this card is
1-877-321-2652. They can give you information and send you the card for free.
Another suggestion, have you called the Department of Healthcare & Family Services in
Il. Their number is 1-800-226-0768. I believe it is connected with Illinoiscaresrx which is a program that helps seniors with their medicare part D but they also have other services such as the Dept. I mentioned above.
Frances, you can go to the hospital even if you don't have money or insurance. Do you know how many people use a hospital as their means of obtaining healthcare and getting medications and care? This is a very common practice and there are many hospitals that will not turn you away. You have to try. If you are in Cook County you can always go to Stroger Hospital which is the county supported hospital. Many people with no income or jobs go there. Yes, it can be a long wait to get treatment but if you can get help it is worth the wait. Also, I had huge medical bills from my colon surgery last year. I filled out financial papers because I could not afford my deductible and copays. They reduced my bill to almost nothing. I only had to pay 5% of my hospital bill and my drs. fees were paid completely. I know there is help out there. You have done a lot to find help but haven't been successful. I know there is a way for you, as I received so much help.
As far as my therapist, I go to a family service agency and it only takes residents of the two villages in my zip code so it is not an option for you if you don't live here.
But I know many areas have such family service agencies. It takes persistence in finding them.  I think you may find some help from the Department of Healthcare and Family services. It is worth the phone call. You may have to wait for them to return your call but be patient. This may work for you.
 
Wishing you the best,
 
Aurora

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 9/17/2010 1:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, I don't have years. I have 5 weeks left on my insurance. So as a last ditch effort I sat down and figured out that somehow I just need a way to organize all these stressful thoughts so that they don't keep troubling me 23 hours out of the day. I am just overwhelmed and can't make sense of it & somehow my poor tired little brain keeps trying to make sense of it all and it's wearing itself out. But I know how much it did help when my temp agency told me that all the trouble I was seeing on the job was due to a political/territorial battle between two people & it was totally unrelated to me. I don't know how many dozens of hours of sleep I lost trying to sort through that. I've talked to my PCP, talked to my pastor and they both thought I really needed someone to help. I'm not thinking straight & I am TRYING to focus on the tasks at hand, but I CAN'T.

This is why I hate counseling. It is a complete waste of time b/c they just think that I will figure it all out & fix myself. If I could do that I would not spend time & money going to a counselor. I would sit at home and figure out what I needed to do and do it. I need someone to help set-up a game plan & then I know it's on me to practice. And basically all this woman did was tell me that to win the game you need to score a lot of points.

getting by
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   Posted 9/17/2010 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

Do you ever practice meditation? It really helps to calm the self. Give it a try. It is free and you can do it yourself.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/17/2010 1:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen. I do & it really does help while I'm doing it. Only problem is that within a few minutes of stopping it everything is back to feeling as horrible as always.

I try a lot of things on my own -- singing (to control breathing), meditation, prayer, visualization, warm baths (well, not right now since I don't have hot water, but usually), wrapping myself in tight clothes/sheets, going for a fast-paced walk, drinking cool water, avoid caffeine, chamomile/passion flower teas, healthy foods, reading allegorical novels (low action), bedtime routines... I've made playdough & stress balls, and set up a homemade fountain to listen to. I listen to music. I really truly AM trying.

It's just that my mind refuses to accept that all these awful things I'm dealing with right now can't probably be explained. I try repeating phrases. I try distracting myself. And those work for a very short while, but as soon as I stop -- whether it's to focus on work or participate in a conversation or try to sleep -- it all comes back. And now for some ridiculous reason I can't seem to sleep at all with my lights off. I REALLY don't have money to keep them on all night, but I need sleep. And I don't get very good sleep with the lights on, but at least I get a little bit (maybe 45 minutes or so, give or take).

I need to get some sleep. And I need to focus on finding a job. And I have a long list of other things that I really should start working on little by little. And I feel like I am being held hostage by my own mind because it will just not let up.

MMMNAVY
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   Posted 9/17/2010 2:01 PM (GMT -6)   
(((((((Frances)))))))
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 9/17/2010 2:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

You are doing all the right things, plus some. I think that it is going to pay off. But it looks like it is going to take time. Keep practicing the meditation especially. Eventually you can get in the peaceful mindset just by thinking about it. You have the power of the mind to do this. Just don't give up.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/17/2010 10:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Aurora,
Sorry I didn't see your post earlier. I live in the city. I forgot about that 20% card. Right now I do have insurance for one more month, though I can't really afford even the $150 copay (10% of the monthly cost of my meds). I'm not sure I'll be able to afford 80% coinsurance come late October, but maybe I can if I get a good job so I really appreciate your help.

Jamie, Siobhan, Navy & Karen,
Thanks. I talked to one more person. She works nearly 2 hours from my home but she does believe in actually giving suggestions to her patients. I got to talk to her a little on the phone today & on the surface she seems to understand that I NEED to either (1) make sense of all these stressful things going on or (2) learn to not care [which really isn't my preference]. And the first visit is free so if she turns out to be a waste, at least it will not cost me any money. Plus her rates are pretty low so after insurance it won't cost me very much if I decide to continue.

I don't know whether it will work out but was a relief that I finally at least found someone who gets me. I've felt so hopeless that not only could no one help me but none of the counselors even seemed to understand why I felt the need to make some sense of things. Maybe now that I've found someone who understands that piece will mean that she will be able to help me. I'll find out Monday morn.

take care,
frances

wearyRAsufferer
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Date Joined Mar 2010
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   Posted 9/18/2010 7:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I think I know what the problem is. You care too much. You are a sensitive soul and are unable to be any different. You are in my prayers. I wish you all the best in finding comfort & peace.

getting by
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   Posted 9/18/2010 8:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Good luck on Monday Frances,

I really hope that this one works out. Sounds like she will. KNow that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Things will turn around and get better my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/20/2010 1:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, I'm a little hesitant to call anything "good news", but it does seem like I maybe finally found a decent counselor. She understood what I was saying and had some good advice about what to do. So we'll see how things go next week, but maybe I think I finally understand why so many of you think that counseling is helpful.

thanks for the encouragement.
frances

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 9/20/2010 7:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Frances,
I am glad to hear you found a good couselor. You acknowledged you knew about the
IL discount drug card for Cook County. But have you called the Department of Healthcare and Family services? Again the number is 1-800-226-0768. Considering you live in the city there should be many more services available to you. There are any  number of hospitals you can go to that will treat you if you are ill without insurance.
Since I live in the suburbs I use the North Shore University Healthcare System. They are the ones that cut my bills to 5%. There are many hospitals you can go to. All the times I had to go to the emergency room there were always people waitng for treatment that
had no insurance and they were helped. For legal help I know there is Legal Aid. I also know that Northwestern University law students do pro bono work and the law school
is in the city. You have to do some calling but you can get free legal help. And you know if you are desparate for help from a hospital you can go to Stroger Hospital which will treat you for free. It is the county hospital. I know that sounds unpleasant but it is help.
I wish you the best and hope all will work out some how. But please call the Dept of
Healthcare. There is a way for them to help you. Sending you my prayers.
 
Aurora

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/22/2010 1:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Aurora. I am trying. Sadly, many of the programs are not accepting new enrollees at this time. That includes the Chicago Housing Authority. Housing is currently my biggest issue. The counselor I saw suggested I talk to the companies that make my medicine & ask for assistance. It seems like that will take care of the medicine issue except that I can't be out on the street or in a shelter with pain medicine because it would not be safe for me or other people. I still have unemployment benefits left, but the tough thing is trying to balance expenses with housing & so on.

I get so overwhelmed with everything I need to manage right now. I know you're going through a lot too, though, so I appreciate you taking the time to offer so many helpful suggestions to me.

I know county is a good hospital. They saved my brother's life. It's just hard to get in there.

I am trying not to give up, but I am struggling.
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