Leave him or not?

Divorce or Keep Working on Marriage?
0
Take him back and try to work it out - 0.0%
6
Divorce him asap - 100.0%
0
Make him go to counseling and then decide - 0.0%

 
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aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/24/2010 2:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Please bear with me as this will take awhile to explain. I really need some advice and am hopeful someone can help me make a decision.
My parents and grandparents were all married for over 50 years and although times could be rocky, they worked things out and all of them stuck together. I do not believe in divorce except for extreme situations such as abuse or drugs or alcoholism. My husband grew up in a family where his mother and father divorced after having four kids, he being the oldest. The parents went on through to years to multiple marriages; mom was married four times, dad was married five times. The kids were shuttled between both parents and both sets of grandparents during their growing years. The parents are no longer living, nor are the grandparents. Needless to say, all of the kids have a very skewed view on relationships. Two of them vowed never to marry as they never want to go through what their parents did. One of them has left her husband and kids behind for the second time; left her daughter with her first husband and now her two sons with her second husband because "they don't make me happy". She has now picked up with yet another man. And my husband.

We met and fell instantly in love. We were engaged to be married within a month of meeting one another but didn't marry until a year later. We've been married 27 1/2 years now and have three kids. The problems started after our first child was born, seven years into our marriage. We both worked at the same hospital and his first affair was with someone who also worked there. My coworkers are the ones who clued me in on his activities, he didn't hide them. After finding out about it, I confronted him wanting to know why. Of course he had no answers. I threw him out and then discovered I was pregnant. When I talked to my husband about this pregnancy, he was horrible about it. He stated he wanted nothing to do with another child and as far as he was concerned, he had only one kid and he would never have anything to do with this one. I was so shell shocked, so depressed, so despondent that I allowed my husband to talk me into having an abortion. I went through it completely alone and never told anyone. It was the biggest mistake and biggest regret in my life. Several months went by and my husband sweet talked his way back into our marriage and our home and things were once again very good. My continued anger to date regarding this first affair is that the bedroom furniture we still have is what he bought when he moved out to an apartment. I can't get it out of my mind that I'm sleeping on a bed that he had lain with other women upon. My stubborn, practical nature will not allow me to replace it, it's too expensive.

I should stop here to say that my husband is a kind, generous, loving, giving, funny, sweet man. I've never heard him raise his voice, lash out in anger, belittle or judge anyone. When we first met, he wanted to go into the ministry for the Southern Baptist congregation.

Things were fine for several years and then history began to repeat itself. This time I heard about his affair with a different woman when his boss very gently and diplomatically informed me that she was firing my husband for morality issues. I later found out she had walked in on my husband and his trollop having sex on a desk at the office. This time I moved out with my son and got an apartment. I sought legal counsel and began motions to file for divorce but fate intervened again when I found out I was again pregnant. Laws in that state would not allow divorce proceedings during pregnancy. In the process of paperwork though, the other woman was summoned to provide financial records for the business that she and my husband had incorporated. She somehow managed to change paperwork to exclude him as a joint owner and threw him out. She then proceeded to blacken his professional name to the point that he could not find employment in their field in that city. It was during this time that he came crawling back to me. Of course I did not know about all of the details until much later, I only know that he came back to me saying all the right words and again, after many, many months, we reconciled once again. We moved to another state, where he was from and where his family still resided to seek employment. I was eight months pregnant at the time and it took me a very long time to get over the feelings of regret for having moved and gone with him. We had another child and our relationship was wonderful for several years. Truly wonderful! We had one more child and were happy, content, and the best of friends.

We then moved back to my home town so he could further his education and therefore his career and I could have help with the kids while working. I dove into work during a time when things in the medical field were changing quickly and not for the better. Longer hours with less staff, on call, tons of over time, holidays, weekends, etc. He also worked a lot of hours as well as finished his graduate studies. The kids kept us very busy as well and we were very involved in their sports, activities, schooling, scouts, etc. It was a crazy, busy time but we made it work and did as well as anyone under those conditions.

It was during this time that I accidentally discovered the internet histories, chats, webcams, and emails flying between my husband and several other women. We had many conversations about this which I consider cheating and he does not. It was a very rocky time but he finally agreed to curtail his activities and we moved on. He simply got better at hiding them. I found out later that he'd actually met up with complete strangers for sex that he had met on the internet. We went round and round. He finally stopped and things were fine for awhile.

I should at this point tell you that although I have met with counselors on several occasions, he always refused to go.

Several years ago, I inadvertently saw an email from a woman he'd befriended online who happened to be in the same field as he. At first glance I didn't think anything of it as professionals do share information sometimes. Then I read the part where she was going to drive to our town, go to the concert he and I were attending at the State Fair with our friends, and she and he were going to sneak away for a little time that evening. She planned on staying in town for the weekend and they could be together. I readily admit I looked for his emails after that and as the time drew near for the concert with our friends, the emails between them flew. They became very sexual in nature. Days before the concert, my husband informs me that he's going to have to work that weekend, in fact have to go in right after the concert and most of the weekend due to staff illnesses. Of course I called his department and upon checking the schedule, he was not posted to work and had in fact taken the day after the concert off. The email on the day of the concert listed the hotel and room number she was staying at while in town. At the concert, I had a great time but would not let him out of my sight, even to go to the restroom. When he went for a break, I'd go along. It was comical how flustered and angry he became. When he sulked on the way home from the concert, I informed him that I'd taken the next day off and since I knew he wasn't scheduled to work at all, we could spend the day together while the kids were in school. He was furious. I then informed him that I knew all about "her" and the plans they'd made. After being angry for awhile, he calmed down. He told me later that he'd called her and changed his mind and he wouldn't be seeing her. I read some emails between them that led me to believe this was true. Things between them died down to an occasional, what I would call normal friendly email exchange and had no sexual nature to it at all.

Over the years, I've read his signs- and yes, he always gives signs when things begin. His body language, his behavior, his actions, so many subtle things give him away. When this happens, I read his emails, monitor his phone records, check his bank accounts, and definitely watch his work schedule. Is it wrong of me to do so, yes. On many levels it is terribly wrong. But then again, I have absolutely no qualms about him seeing any of those things of mine. If there is nothing to be ashamed of, then there is nothing to hide. He, however, is more upset, more angry at my invasion of his privacy than the fact that he's cheating on me.

Two years ago, I was laid off from my job and have been unable to secure employment in my field since then. I do not want to move right now as our youngest is in high school and very active and our middle one just graduated and is in community college. It's just not a good time to uproot them. During this time, we were audited for taxes that my husband had always prepared himself and the IRS threw out some of the deductions he had claimed even though we had all the receipts and documentation for them. The IRS tacked on interest and penalties at an alarming rate and what should have been $15K for the four years they denied turned into $140K. I'm out of work, can't find work, applied for well over 100 jobs but was competing in an overly saturated market with new grads that made half what I made and no one would hire me. My husband then lost his job due to the economy and we eventually had to file bankruptcy. I was humiliated, humbled, depressed and despondent for quite awhile. We made do and we got by. The only problem arose when the attorney, and my husband, both failed to follow through with the state taxes and the deadline for adjustment passed. We found out about this when the state sanctioned my professional license and then the licensing bureau suspended it. I could now not find employment in my field of almost 30 years if I wanted to.

The only thing I could do was seek entry level positions in another line of work. I was fortunate to find a job that pays $11 per hour but has benefits. We've been without insurance for almost a year now. It's not what I was making but it's better than nothing and I'm thankful to have it at all. After insurance and deductions, I should bring home about $1200 per month. My husband is working a PRN job as well as went back to the company who laid him off but this time as a month to month contract employee. Together, we would do just fine.

Now to present day. He's up to these same antics again. With the same woman who missed seeing him at the concert again. This time they were to meet while he was on a business trip to Florida where she was vacationing with her children and grandchildren. When I called him on it, he again got so pissed at me for "checking up on him" more so than what he was planning. He's tired of my drama, he's tired of me not looking for work at all, he's tired of "everything" and wants a divorce. I'm not sure where he's coming from regarding the drama except that I explain to him that I know what he's up to and I'm so hurt that he feels I haven't looked for work, I have. It was because of his errors and then his inattention that my license is suspended. I'm tired of his cheating ways and his lying about it. When I mention to him that I wonder "if her husband knows what she's doing", he says he doesn't know. Interestingly enough, when he tells her what I've said about her husband, she all of a sudden in apologetic to causing any problems with his marriage and it would be best if they don't meet or talk any longer. Then he calls me the next day and says he wants to work things out, it would be best for the kids, blah blah blah.

Now to why I'm here: stay?
a) financially cannot afford to support myself or my kids alone right now
b) I do love him, he is a good person and a wonderful father
c) I do recognize that his childhood lessons about relationships is messed up
d) as a family, we are great together

divorce?
a) our kids are 23, 18, and 16 and they would be devastated, our boys would more than likely not speak to their dad although our daughter is more forgiving
b) child support for only one child for only two years- I can't make it on my soon to be salary
c) I'm so afraid of losing my family and I feel like a failure enough as it is

help?????

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 9/24/2010 4:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Boy....I'd sure be afraid of getting a disease from this guy. I say, throw the bum out. He has broken his vows to you a million times over. Many you don't even know about. I'm not usually so bold as to tell someone to do this, but your case is just mind-boggling. A good father treats their mother with respect. This man doesn't know the meaning of the word. There is help out there when it comes to money. Many people in your situation have made it on their own. Do this for your health, if nothing else. And also to teach your kids what is right. They will find out some day anyway. Why keep protecting him? You are worth so much more than this.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy, gallbladder surgery.
meds - fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.
A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42495
   Posted 9/24/2010 9:51 AM (GMT -6)   
You have been through years of this. It is time to go a different route. Find somebody else, somebody who respects you. And I agree with the above post, you could catch something.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Sasta Anois
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 9/24/2010 10:24 AM (GMT -6)   
I have no children of my own but my parents divorced when I was in high school, my sisters in elementary. Though devastating at first, seeing my mother become the happy, healthy person she is today was what was really "best for the kids" She gave me the courage to look at my own marriage years later and ask myself, "if this was one of your sisters, what would you encourage her to do?" I decided I would encourage her to figure out why she would stay with someone who had, over the course of years, gone from loving husband to serial-cheater. That was hard to do, but I set myself to the task and realized I was not holding on because I loved him so much but because I didn't love myself enough to demand better for and from myself.

Perhaps it would be helpful to re-read your story while pretending it was written by a loved one. What you'd want for them may be what you find you want for yourself. Whatever you decide, blessed be.

SA
Sometimes a day is too much to take at one time so instead of telling myself "Have a great day!", I say "When you can dahlin, have a happy now." I wish us all more happy nows.

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 9/24/2010 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
aumart,

My heart really goes out to you, this has been extended periods where trust has been broken many times over. I believe you when you say he is a good man and you still love him, and it is easy for me to say leave him. That's what I would have done the very first time, but you have kept taking him back time and time again. You will have your reasons for this, and I am not saying you are wrong for doing that.

I think this is a question that only you can answer, as it is you that has to live with the fullout, the emotions of not only you, but the kids, the questions from family and friends, and the financal fullout.

That being said though, I would rather be poor and happy, than have money and no trust in the person I am living with.

May you find clarity in this situation, and the strength you need to do whatever you choose to do.

And a warm welcome to the board, good luck

JoeCal
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2010 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi
I stay in a marriage I have not been happy with for years.   I have affairs.  I don't leave because everyone else is happy with how things are.    My wife loves me.  The children love me.   Everything is fine except I crave other woman.   I wish I could just love my wife but for some reason I keep looking for more love.  I confuse love and sex as the same thing.  My depression is caused by this inability to love my wife and always need more.   I am sick and wish these feeling would stop.   Your huband suffers from OCD.   He had a poor relationship with his mother and likely loved her at first and them hated her.   He doesn't leave you because he knows it will not make him happier.  He feels empty and contnues to think other woman with complete his needs.... and it never works for long.   He is ill.   I would recommend praying for him.
Therapy can help.  If you decide to stay with him you may need to just expect his unreasonable behavior (and use protection).   The only other choice you have if he will not try therapy is to give him unlimited sex ... more than he seem to want.... this may be a love sign to his sick mind.   I mean go all out ... be the sex **** he thinks he needs to be happy.   Anyway I can relate to your story.  Best wishes.
JC      

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 9/24/2010 5:16 PM (GMT -6)   
for the guy who cheats on his wife, i dont find that an excuse to cheat, no offense to you. i think if you love her you should go see a counselor for why you cheat and try to stop, if not set her free and let her find a man that will love  her and not cheat on her.

aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/25/2010 10:59 AM (GMT -6)   
I know that my husband made plans to meet up with this woman while in Florida. I told him I knew about it. Whether that meeting took place or not is irrelevant, he told me he hadn't heard from her and wasn't sure what his plans were. Of course, this was said after I'd asked him if her husband knew about them. My husband changed his plans for the weekend and rather than coming home, he went to meet up with some of his family in another state. He informed our son about his change in plans, not me. I had to ask myself why I was sitting around waiting on him to make a decision whether to try and work things out with me or to split up. Why does he get to make that decision? Again? That being said, I made an appointment to see an attorney next week to at least gather some information.

That being said, should I pick up the phone and call her husband? Let him know some of what I know? Let him look into her activities and be aware of what she's been up to? I've gone around all the reasons pro and con for doing so and still am leaning toward calling him. I don't care at this point if it gets back to my husband and he gets angry about it. What right does he have to get angry at me for opening a can of worms for his married lover? I do know it's vindictive. I know it's hurtful to an innocent person to find out their spouse is a lying, cheating, scumbag. I still think he has the right to know enough to wonder and/or check things out and SHE has the right to know what it's like to have someone else messing up your marriage.

Advice?

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 9/25/2010 11:04 AM (GMT -6)   
it could cause more problems than anything giving him a call. yes he should know and maybe its the right thing but would you be doing it for the right reasons or just to hurt her. if you are doing it solely to let him know then thats one thing but if you are doing it to get back at HER then that is wrong.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/25/2010 11:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Did I mention that every woman he's had an extended relationship with has been married? Is that significant in some what?

aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/25/2010 11:11 AM (GMT -6)   
worriedgirl:
That's what I've struggled with, am I simply letting him know or getting back at her and are they not the same thing? Why else would I want to let him know, I don't even know these people. Then again, why should she get off scot free? It's not that she's running around with my husband as much as the comments about me and advice about me that she gives him. She doesn't know me but she's meddling in my life as well as sleeping with my husband. If she were only screwing around with him I think I'd feel differently but she is telling him that I am lazy and have not been looking for work (I've applied for every single job in my field within a 200 mile radius that's come up in two years now as well as branched out to over 25 openings in similar types of work and finally in areas I have no experience in at all) she tells him that I am not a good mother ( I have no idea why this came up) and gives him advice on MY sexual performance (really? REALLY?). This is why I want to let her know that she needs to look in her own back yard before digging for worms in mine.

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 9/25/2010 11:22 AM (GMT -6)   
they are not the same thing, im just saying doing so may cause a bigger uproar then what you are prepared to deal with. i know you think she is getting off scott free but she is not. her actions will catch up to her. i think what you need to do is leave your hubby and find a man willing to love you. your kids are seeing you unhappy and they will rather you be happy
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

wolflover
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 9/25/2010 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't understand why nobody thinks about stds when cheating or hearing that there spouse is. you need to leave him.Your going to catch something.He doesn't respect you. He is no good for you.My dad cheated on my mom sooo many times. I don't look at him as a man just a coward. I prayed for you just now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42495
   Posted 9/25/2010 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Yeah, but why make it more complicated than it already is. I can see why you would want to let him know, but this might bring the two fo them closer. Your husband and his lady friend. If you file for divorce, he will find out soon enough if you have her as a corespondant. She would be the reason that you would get the divorce, right? I think he picks married women because they are safer, they don't want an emotional relationship. They want to keep it hidden.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/25/2010 1:04 PM (GMT -6)   
nono

I was having a meltdown moment this morning. I'm not sleeping well lately and my emotions swing so much from anger to hurt to acceptance to anger, etc. After some quiet time and meditation, I have decided it would serve no good purpose to contact this woman's husband. I hope I am a better person than to intentional cause someone pain. I will try to keep my head held high, be a woman of substance and class, and resolve my issues with as much dignity as possible. Karma will take care of the rest.

Thank you for your input and observations, I just don't have anyone to talk to who isn't a part of my husband's life as well and I just cannot bring myself to bash him to someone who is a friend to both of us. Maybe when I start my new job and benefits kick in, I can see someone professionally but until then, thank you.

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 9/25/2010 1:56 PM (GMT -6)   
im glad you decided against it. i hope we have helped. what i dont understand is why you stay even one more minute with him. there are men out there who will treat you right. not all men are cheaters. some will have alot of respect for you and themselves and not do this. granted there are men who are dogs and sorry hunny but your hubby is one of them. he doesnt care about you or his family if he is gonna continue to disrespect you like that. dont stay hun you are worth to much
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/25/2010 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Wolfover:

What you said about how you feel regarding your father is exactly why I have avoided doing anything about my marriage. My husband is a wonderful father and our kids adore him. I don't want anything to change that for not only my kids' sake but for his as well. I don't want my kids to hate their father. If I could avoid that, I would.

aumart
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/25/2010 2:31 PM (GMT -6)   
This may sound incredibly strange but I appreciate you folks on here and every one of your words. I am not alone, in fact I have a great number of friends and family- am blessed with some true friends. I just feel better chatting with you guys, here, and gaining some outside opinions. It helps, it really does. I haven't been able to cry for a long, long time and I feel like bawling my eyes out right now after reading your posts and it feels really good. So I'm going to grab a tissue box and let it flow.

Thank you

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42495
   Posted 9/25/2010 3:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Augmart,
 
I moved your post from the other thread, I think you clicked on "new topic" instead of "reply".  Karen...

Thank you.  Your kind words have brought the only tears I've had in my eyes in a very long time.  I'm not looking for another man by the way.  It doesn't bother me that I may be alone for the rest of my life, truly.  Despite the years of hurt and cheating,  I do love my husband and even though I won't be with him, I am not ready to look elsewhere.  I may never be and that's just fine.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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