any suggestion for a new tradition?

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Sasta Anois
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 9/24/2010 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I was happily married for years and miss that feeling very much.   I have been married for 16 years, next Friday, which includes all of my adult life.  After finding him in bed with my best friend late 2007, I left him. We went back and forth a bit. I thought he was sincere but found out he'd never stopped seeing her.  We were then separated for all of 2009, my ...let's call him Ex...Ex and I were civil, even friendly at times.  We spent our anniversary and Christmas together. All the while he begged to remain in my life, professed his love for only me but felt he was not good enough for me and wanted different things.  Then in spring 2010 he came to me and was very ill.  I took him in (not back) and tried to help him. I set the boundary that my family and I would not be in his life if he chose to have "her" in it.  After months of caring for him, I found out he was indeed seeing her after only a few weeks of keeping his word.   This is more detail than I'd planned to include....I am struggling.  Please note that I do not want him back and have stuck by my word.  He made his choice.
Now as I wait on a court date to get my name back, what would have been my 16th anniversary is next week.  I'm so angry and hurt and filled with grief for the life I worked so hard to build that was so thoughtlessly destroyed.   I am confident that time will heal these wounds but right now, they are still very fresh.
My therapist has instructed me to come up with a new tradition for that day. I've tried looking at it from the outside, ie. pretending it was someone else who needed a suggestion for a new tradtion.  I'm still coming up blank.  "Fly to Paris" of course sounds great but as the one left with the mortgage, the dogs, all the bills of a life set up for 2 now on 1 paycheck, that's not an option...this year. :) 
Any suggestions on how I might reclaim Oct 1st?
Sasta Anois
Sometimes a day is too much to take at one time so instead of telling myself "Have a great day!", I say "When you can dahlin, have a happy now." I wish us all more happy nows.

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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 9/24/2010 11:25 AM (GMT -6)   
On the anniversary of my Fathers death, I usually going to the river, and have reflective "spirtual" time. I don't always feel better about the day, but it is the one dayI allow myself to contemplate, listen to whatever pops up, and nine times out of ten, I walk away from my spot, stronger than I arrived in.

You can do anything, you can completely re-envent the day, take the day off work, meet friends for lunch, catch a movie, grab takeaways, and chat with online buddies at night.

Hope you do manage to create a whole different feeling

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2010 3:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, I hope this helps...  Life happens,  crap happens.  Everyone has a story.  In the end the true goal is not to let the events of life bring us down.  We all try our best and in the end awakening to inner peace " no matter what happens" is our only true goal."  You sound like an intelligent person... try reading the book(s) "The Eye of the I" by David Hawkins,  or The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.   The past has little to do with the current moment, in reality, but the mind/ego will not let go.   The letting-go process is the journey to inner peace.  So, remember we all have a story of why life sucks.... but these fustration are our doorway to inner peace and realizing nothing truely matters that much!  I am on the same jouney.  I am human too.   Be well.  Let go of the canceled check.  Take a deep breath and notice the stars at night once again.

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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 9/24/2010 7:30 PM (GMT -6)   
If Paris is your thing, you don't have to actually go. Make it a "Parisian Night" -- rent a movie about Paris (maybe Julie & Julia), invite over a bunch of friends, set up a potluck with French cuisine (or fix it yourself if you just love cooking) or serve wine and cheese (maybe a fondue party), fix some fancy drinks -- alcoholic or non, decorate your home with things that remind you of France (you can borrow from a friend, print out French art from the internet, string up some Christmas lights, stick up some of those glow in the dark stars where you're watching the movie, etc.
You can set the dress code & even make it a dress up event if you want.

It really can be a lot of fun & there's nothing like fantasy and friends to get your mind off something sad. :)

hope that helps.


Sasta Anois
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 10/4/2010 3:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the suggestions. I had a great slumber party with my 3 year old neice and we decided that Oct 1st would now be known and our annual Funday. =)

I must say to JoeCal, I realize everyone has a story and that "crap happens". I also have read New Earth (several times, and even go back to it as a reference often). I found your post to be less helpful though I agree with many of your points. Yes, we all have a story, but my life DOES NOT suck. Depression however, does and no amount of reading is going to change that anymore than I could read enough to unbreak a bone. I felt your response was much like the "get over it" that many people who are learning to manage and recover from depression hear. As depression does distort perception, it is possible I mistook what you said. Either way I appreciate everyone taking the time to lend a hand.
Sometimes a day is too much to take at one time so instead of telling myself "Have a great day!", I say "When you can dahlin, have a happy now." I wish us all more happy nows.

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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/5/2010 9:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  I am glad to read you did make plans and enjoyed your time with your neice.  I have had many losses in my life and my therapist explained to me that you only go through an event once in your life.  My example, each year on the anniversary of my son's death it felt like I was reliving the whole event.  My therapist taught  to me that the date he died back in 1990 only happened once in my life and that I should make plans for the day to help me stay in the moment.  You have been through your first anniversary date without your husband  so you will never have to relive that day again. 
I am proud of you for making something good happen on that day and I agree with you  - your life does not suck.  Depression is a illness and each of us that has depression feels as you do.  Depression hurts, there's no doubt about it.
Each of us deals in our own way and I can tell that you are doing the best you can to live each day one day at a time.
Many gentle Hugs,

Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/5/2010 5:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Love your signature, "When you can dahlin, have a happy now."

Congratulations on finding a solution as to how to spend your day with your neice, a slumber party. Lots of other good ideas out there for future dates, as the holidays are approaching.

Heard you loud and clear concerning the comments from Joe. And glad you said that, as I was at first considering looking up that book "Earth".

You're a strong woman. Admire your fortitude.

Sasta Anois
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 10/6/2010 1:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Trying to Understand. I really appreciate your post. :)

I love "A New Earth." My mother suggested it long before I developed severe depression and I found it very helpful with the general stresses of life. She and I talked about it just last night in the context of this thread. The book explains that we are not our ego/feelings but the awareness behind them. I agree. This is difficult for most folks to grasp/practice who do not have depression. I meditated on the concepts and as I said, found them and still do find them very helpful. However, since developing depression which does distort thought/perception, I found that it is more important and helpful for me to first concentrate on other depression/anixiety techniques so I can get back to a place where I'm able to be more aware of what is true. (I hope that makes sense.) It is kind of like the double amputee that climbed a mountain. He did it, just differently.

Sasta Anois
Sometimes a day is too much to take at one time so instead of telling myself "Have a great day!", I say "When you can dahlin, have a happy now." I wish us all more happy nows.
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