hi i need some help and i don't know how to exactly phrase it. i will start in the beginning.
i am a girl in early 20s from south India. i finished my graduation. my family is kind of closed and traditional. but me...i am very very different from my family. i know my folks love me a lot but what they expect from me is obedience...that is what they consider as love. i do obey them but when it comes to my mom deciding wawt kind of underwear what i should wear...it becomes terrible...my brother is very very over protecting...drastically limiting my social life...which is almost non exsistant.
i am not very good with studies..and i made really low marks with my graduation...its not because i don't wanna study..its because i just cant concentrate..i just cant..i honestly cant...i tell my family this but they think i am just lazy...i tried talking to my mom...she took me to a psychologist...that stopped when my dad called me "crazy n should be locked up" when he was drunk.
I have always wanted to do masters but cant cause of my low marks. i still keep hope though. i had a boy friend,..but he kinda broke up with me about
10 months back because he wants to keep his "friendship" with this other girl...we were together for 4 years...i wasted the best of my years for him. and i still think about
him even though i stopped crying some 3 or 4 months back.
i work now at a stupid place doing a dead end job that i hate. There are so many things i wanna do but cant cause my family says so. they really don't understand how much freedom mean to me. they sees me as someone who is incapable of everything. i feel as if they see me like a pet dog...one that is love and protected and provided for..but always on a leash...
and sometimes i feel like their dog..wagging my tail to get their attention..i hate it
i had some friends...but when i found out most of the boys sees me in the wrong way i just pushed them away...so much that i even lost my good friends. now i have one friend that i don't even trust. i am so desperate.
i cant tell anyone what i m going through...i m scared that they will think i am whining.
i hate my dad...he has been an alcoholic all his life...always verbally abused my mom n me. i had some terrible fights with him. now he has cancer and i don't feel any remorse for him...and that scares me more, the fact that i don't feel sorry for my own father...i rarely feel anything anymore...but still i cried at the flood that happened in Pakistan...and when there was a news about
an old man being publicly abused.
also i do say a prayer when i hear an ambulance...i know i am a good person...
but i don't understand why everything goes wrong with me...every one of my dreams and ambitions go down the drain
now i just cry at night...it feels good...but i m scared if i get too depressed. i am a person who
respects life...never thought about
suicide but now i am and it scares me.
i just want someone to tell me what i should do...i know there are people who suffers more than me...but misery in different forms is still misery right?
first i just cry at night...cause u see i cant cry in front of my family...i cant let them know...but now my eyes fill up without any reason at all...sometime when i am travelling or in the office or when being with my family....
i used to be so happy...had a beautiful smile...i used to laugh so much...i used to love movies and books and ice cream...now i spend my time in front of TV flicking channels or lying in my bed...i even stopped taking care of my self...i am so scared and i don't know what to do...
i feel as if my life is slipping away without doing all those things i dreamed about
...my family is a talking about
marrying me off..and i know once that happens i will be trapped for ever...and now a days i m loosing my temper more.
i just don't know what to do...feel as if i cant control any thing anymore, not my life or my future...
please help if you can
i want to save my self.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/27/2010 8:25:47 AM (GMT-6)